Bipolar Mania: Recovering

I published Hallucination Overload over the last few days and now that I am on medication for the Bipolar Mania, new things have been going on that need to be said.

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9/30/16, 4:00am

I’m trying so hard to hang on while the Risperdal takes its full effect, but it’s challenging, to say the least.

I took the first proper dose on Wednesday, 9/28/16 and thought I was doing better, but last night sucked bad.

I had a pretty good day, productive, took calls, wrote and Tumblr’d for work and my Navelgazing Writer side, but as the day wore on, I fell deeper and deeper into weirdness.

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My fawn came home from work early around 4pm and we spent some nice time together. I’d planned on Scening (have a cybersex/cyberbdsm experience) with him, but at 5:20pm, I was in a spinning place, unable to focus very well and laid down.

I took my phone with me and texted with my fawn. I asked him to tell me stories so he shared nice memories from his youth and then a favorite Fantasy story. I laid there weeping, filled with gratitude for his loving care.

While he talked to me, I began crying in earnest. Reason, no reason… who knows. I called Zack, sobbing by that time, and he kindly reminded me of the down that comes after the high.

I felt mad, going from laughing hysterically to chuckling to feeling fine to falling into the hole again. All within the span of an hour.

I was back up to the computer at 6:00pm, but by 7:30pm, I was having horrible hallucinations again, could feel my mind crackling precariously. I tried to hold it together… can even see the struggle to stay coherent in our chat log, but by 7:55pm, I was nearly immobilized by the inner turmoil.

womanptsd

I hastily signed off of work, said my good-byes to my fawn, then took my Risperdal, turned on Andreas Vollenweider and crawled into bed to wait for the meds to do their thing: send me to sleep & fix my mind.

Laying there, my mind screamed, amplifying the tumult.

Kill yourself.

Go take the massive amount of pills you have just across the room and end it already.

Suicidal Ideation is some fucked-up shit.

I almost went to the hospital to protect myself, but couldn’t even reach the phone to call Zack again for reassurance. I took it as a sign that I also would not be able to get over there, to my drawer filled with medications, feeling a moment of peace.

I don’t know how long it took, but I stayed in the bed, meditating to Andreas Vollenweider – and finally fell asleep. 8pm was the last I saw the clock.

looking-for-self

Looking for My Self

9/30/16, 6:00am

I woke up feeling better (again) at 3am.

I’m logged into work, doing my Tumblr’ing… and writing all of this out. I hope the good feelings last.

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