Fat Girl Stories: Ugliness

jenny-saville-nats
artist, Jenny Saville

Avoiding my reflection at all costs

No mirrors, no glass windows

Nothing form-fitting

Overlooking any signs of weight gain.

 

Self-consciousness submerges into unconsciousness.

 

At the height of ignorance

I spill secrets with abandon

Forgetting the flayed flesh

That comes with disclosure.

 

How stupid could I have been?

 

I whirl around with joy

And smash into the looking glass

Shattering my image into a million broken shards

I fall back to earth with a heavy thud.

 

Barely breathing, I do not move.

 

Slices ooze.

My raw hands hurry

To scoop up pools of blood

Mixed with tears;

 

It will not reabsorb.

 

I am fat.

Fat fat fat fat fat fat

Fat fat fat far fat fat fat

Fat, fatter, fattest

 

Loved, yet still so unlovable.

ugly

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