Sometimes it is really stunning to see how fast time zips by.
I was just 16 and in high school. And 21 having my first baby. And 23 having my second. And 25 having my second. And 42 nearly dying from Disseminated Coccidiomycosis. And 43 marrying Zack in San Francisco. And 47 marrying him legally. And 53 moving back to Orlando. And 54 meeting my cyber-love cublet.
And today, 56.
The number 56 has always been my favorite number, since 6th grade. I have no clue where it came from, why… how it came to appear on every school jersey, my band jacket, when I had to pick a number between 1 and 100 (and I often won the prize!)… and now my lucky number is my birthday.
My wonderful submissive, my Muslim love, and I had some conflict this week about stuff going on in Europe (Freedom of the Press, Turkey, Netherlands, etc.) and he was feeling badly about how he responded to the discussion. Very badly. He felt that he’d let his Mistress (me) down.
After we worked things out, he asked me if, when I was a submissive, I ever disappointed Zack (my Dom) over and over and how did I deal with that.
I’m not sure where it bubbled up from, certainly from the recesses of my psyche, but I began talking, almost trance-like, about how Zack and I tried new diets every few weeks. It wasn’t a direct order to follow the regimen, but it was implied. I am able to follow the rhythm of these attempts in my Facebook Memories each day and, as I see each new diet, each new pledge to “Stick to this one!”, I wince knowing that I failed. Again. And again. And again.
I’ve written about how I snuck food, hiding it, eating in the car and throwing away the evidence before I got home… how I still hoard food even though I have no need to whatsoever. Old habits and all.
When Zack and I learned about a new diet (always the Famous-Diet-of-the-Moment), it was up to me to research and make menus (which I despised doing). Then I would school Zack, we’d set a date to begin within the next couple of days and, once the sun rose on that date, we were off and running.
I knew as soon as the diet was brought up what was going to happen. Promises of “This Time!” and “I’m going to the gym every day.” Vowing, even to myself, that I would not cheat.
Yet within a few hours of the new diet, my stomach (mind) was rumbling and I needed food. Not healthy salads, which I could eat as much of as I wanted. Not the vegetable soup that I could serve myself every half hour if I desired. But food. Carbs, mostly. Bread. Tortillas. Potatoes. Burgers, fries, candy, cake… that endless list of Forbidden Fruit (yeah, fruit?!)
I became a demon in search of the poison that (never) filled me up. I would sit thinking, “Where can I get money to go buy food? What excuse can I make to get out of the house? Where can I hide the other half of the burger I can’t eat while in the car?” Looking at me, you’d think I was merely watching TV. Inside my head, I was a military officer strategizing the next battle, down to the last marching step. Obsession does not begin to describe the experience.
I always found food. Even if I had to steal it from my sister-in-law. Or sneak money out of Zack’s wallet to buy it. Or sell something for the few coins I received; candy is pretty cheap.
There it was. I was a failure. Again. A crushing failure, doomed to disappoint Zack. Again.
When he realized what was going on (how he didn’t know within hours is beyond me), usually after the second week’s weigh-in and he’d lost gobs of weight and… lookie there! I’d gained 5 pounds! That he believed in me each time, that he trusted me to tell the truth “this time,” (which is how he didn’t see me cheating – he trusted me) made my failure all the more bitter.
So when my love asked if I’d been a serial disappointment, I don’t think he expected an entire post to fall out of my fingers about it.
So, he and I met online almost 18 months ago, both of us traversing different worlds, surely never to meet in real life, but here we are, my love and I, both sharing those same shame feelings.
Curious. Do you think everyone has them? If we all talked to each other long enough would we all find we had this deep place inside that feels we disappoint the ones we love most?
I know people really well… human nature really well. But I cannot recall others feeling broken the way he and I described to each other.
And how do 2 broken people find each other anyway? Is it a psychic connection that says, “Join and you shall begin to glue each other back together?”
Does the mere airing of the pain begin the healing? (Provided we are in therapy, of course. I am aware that 2 dysfunctional people will not spontaneously heal the hurt.) This phenomenon really is quite baffling.
Be-ing With the Pain
I spent several days deep inside, remembering these horrid feelings of shame and disappointment, actually worried I was getting depressed and might need a med change. Instead, I just sat with the feelings. Allowing them to curl around me, reminding me that, even if I don’t remember them, they do still exist and have an effect on my life.
Writing this has been an exercise of sitting with the pain, crying at times, really deeply sad other times and now that the post is winding down, I think I am finally finding some peace.
What a wonderful surprise to see the number of new readers/subscribers after my Navelgazing Midwife Facebook Page’s goodbye post. I am so, so happy to see you all here!
I thought I’d share where else you might find me; I’m tucked around the Internet in several places.
My Bio – This is a good place to start to get an idea of the scope of who I am. I’ve been this person for a very long time, but many new folks might not know some of these labels I embrace.
Literotica – I’m working on several pieces for Literotica. I have to write erotic/pornographic posts for my work blog and have been told I am very good at writing about sex. I look forward to sharing the inner naughtiness of my mind.
I wrote my Goodbye post for my Navelgazing Midwife Facebook followers and received something that I couldn’t have predicted: love.
I Am Loved
The kind words of thanks and appreciation for my writings over the last decade+ made my heart so full.
“A million times thank you. Without your influence I would never have become my own navel gazer.”
“Barb, I understand closing this door in your life and moving on but just know your words have had a great positive impact and you will be missed.”
“I have always been awed and so inspired by your ability to open up and share so boldly who you are.”
But the comments from women about their births… my heart melted with those.
“so sorry to see you go! i found you during my surrogacy pregnancy, and you were a huge factor in my choice to birth med. free.”
“While pregnant with my first son I couldn’t get enough of your blog – it is what ultimately allowed me to find my voice and speak up that I wasn’t liking the care I was receiving from my OBGYN. I chose to leave that practice and seek out a midwife. Best decision I’ve ever made.”
“I love you Barb. You patiently waited for me to find my strength to say what really caused my baby to die. You held my hand and my heart as it took me years to realize how my daughter really died. You didn’t shame or blame or deflect from the truth.” This mom went on to become an NICU nurse instead of home birth midwife after her baby died due to the negligence of a home birth midwife.
Caring for Women
And then there were the women who shared their personal paths from doula to nurse or certified nurse midwife. Stunning.
“I have followed you for so long, yours was the first blog I found and fell in love with when I realized that I NEEDED birth in my life! I’ve since gone to nursing school and become a l&d nurse, chairing our NCB Committee, and trying so hard to help women be respected and truly cared for during their experiences.”
“You have been such a wealth of knowledge for me as I completed my journey from doula to labor nurse to nurse midwife.”
“I was accepted back into nursing school today – 4 semesters stand between me and a BSN. L&D is the goal and upon graduation, my MSN to become a CNM. Thanks Barb, I owe a lot of my drive and self discovery to you.”
I am incredibly humbled by the comments I received on that Goodbye post. That I had an affect on so many is so amazing to me. As I write this, I am wiping tears of gratitude for all the blessings I’ve had as the Navelgazing Midwife. As is usual, the love and indebtedness people have for each other is symbiotic, flowing back and forth… a Möbius strip of love.