Bipolar Diary: Zero Gravity Hallucinations

I’d thought I’d come to a place of balance. I was still having hallucinations, mostly visual, some auditory and tactile, but those not so often. Even though the hallucinations have continued, I told the Psychiatrist I did not want to take more Risperdal to try and make them go away. The short time I was on the increased amount (double what I am on now), I gained 30 (fucking) pounds in 6 weeks. As soon as we halved it, I stopped eating like an insatiable animal, and have now lost 10 of those 30 pounds. I told him I’d just suck up dealing with the hallucinations.

However, there does come a tipping point between what I can live with and seeing much of my room floating around as if I was in space.

pilbalance bw
Balance – dance troupe, Pilobolus

What’s Going On?

I cannot pinpoint why they are getting bigger, more bizarre and more aggressive. My sleep is weird, but I am sleeping. I’m in an inordinate amount of pain, but that isn’t too new… I had my gallbladder removed on February 2 and have had a series of infection complications since. I’ve got other pain, but can usually meditate to work through it. (I have Trazadone if I need help sleeping, but have only taken that a couple of time.)

Visual

A crazy hallucination I had the other day was seeing my pillow breathing. Yes, I know… ridiculous, but I stared at it as it inhaled and exhaled for the entire 5-minutes I watched. I blinked, shook my head, told myself there was no way in hell that was real, yet the pillow kept inflating and deflating, slowly, as if it was breathing. I glance over a lot to see if it’s going for a repeat performance. Nothing so far.

l_48a68e20-7063-11e1-b4bd-1d74b1b00004

I have the usual roaches and now some flying bats, but those are pretty yawn-inspiring since they’ve been around so long now. It’s the floating toilet paper roll, the pens, my Blistex lip balm… things that are here in my room, in my real life, just appearing, mid-air… there… and then fleetingly gone again. My food shifts next to me. I “see” music coming out of the speaker. The movements around the room are near-constant. (The book next to me is shuffling the pages as I write this.)

funky apple gif

I try to drive infrequently and only for less than a mile or two because it is frightening to not know if that box flying through the air is an illusion or really fell off that truck up there. I am terrified when I pass bus stops because people are so close to the edge, they slide over into the road sometimes, sliding back just as I get ready to veer away from hitting them. I do everything in my power to never drive during school drop-off or pick-up, the amount of busy-ness in the roads confuse me terribly. Don’t even get me started on mailboxes.

Tactile

tactile-and-visual-hallucinations

I am tapped periodically. No one is here to tap me. It’s nothing. I feel things crawling on me a lot. My room is clean! There are no bugs to crawl on me. No fleas, no gnats. Nothing. Yet I could swear there was a spider crawling up my leg or on my arm. Even when I am looking right at my skin, seeing with my eyes that it isn’t there, it is there… I just cannot see it is all. (Talk about a mind fuck!)

Auditory

I have these the least at the moment. Just some occasional whispers. Nothing telling me to do anything, I don’t get those kinds. I just get ominous whispers, just out of hearing range… my name whispered a lot.

shiver

Resolution

Klimt
artist, Gustav Klimt

Writing all that down, I see I really might need to just up the Risperdal to curb some of this extraneous activity in my brain. I am crying writing this, fearful of gaining more weight. (I gained 80 pounds in 3 months when I started the Risperdal 13 years ago.) I know there are other meds I can try, but I get Tardive Dyskinesia so easily… and have it already from the Wellbutrin… I am so wary of changing from meds I know work.

Fuck, this is confusing sometimes.

Thanks for listening.

7 thoughts on “Bipolar Diary: Zero Gravity Hallucinations

  1. After we divorced, my ex-wife convinced me I had ADHD. The sad truth is that I would shift my attention almost anywhere to endure being in the same space with her. So I took Risperdal and developed tardive dyskinesia. The simpler solution was to avoid my ex-wife. That worked. No more ADHD. No more Risperdal. No more tardive dyskinesia.

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      1. It’s one of those mornings when I’m grateful to know I’m good for something. Glad you liked it. Take care of yourself. You are loved out here in the blogosphere. Thanks for your perspective on stuff.

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      2. David!

        I answered this, but see it is not here. You must think me a rude rude woman to not answer your question. I am baffled where it went. I am so so sorry for not checking sooner.

        Yes, Verklempt is Yiddish, you are right.

        I love languages, speaking Spanish pretty fluently along with English being my first language. It was a revelation to learn, as I read more and more advanced books, there are words in other languages that would take several to express in English.

        Verklempt is one of those. So is Kvell or Kvelling… a word that means filled with overwhelming joy and pride in a person or action. Schadenfreude is a word I’m seeing a lot because of the election, it meaning a person feeling good in another persons misfortune.

        I am sure I could find more if I thought about it, but that’s a good description for now.

        Again, I am so sorry for taking so long to answer you. And also, again, thank you for being here!

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      3. I have a huge appreciation for Yiddish. It is an incredibly expressive language.
        Not to worry. Things fall through the cracks around here.

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