Fat Girl Whining

I’m fat. Really fat. Over 300 pounds fat.

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I also have Diabetes and have to see an Endocrinologist every few months. Endocrinologists take care of fat people. A lot of fat people. There has not been a time when I’ve sat in an Endo’s office that there were no less than 4 really fat people. I just left the Endo’s office (and I love the people there) and need to vent for a second.

Chairs

How can an office that caters to fat people not have chairs without arms on them? How?! The first time in there, I asked for a chair without arms and they brought out one of the bench chairs (that still had arms on it). Fine. They brought it in the exam room with me, too. Nice.

Today, the bench was there… with someone already in it. So I had to cram my fat butt into one of the tiny chairs… with the arms going INWARD instead of out! What the crap?

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I spoke with the office manager who said she’d already put a work order in for more benches and asked me to answer to survey I’ll get in my email with a comment about the chairs.

We’ll see how long that takes.

Blood Pressure Cuffs

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For fuck’s sake, I thought I had finished complaining about medical people taking my blood pressure incorrectly/painfully 2 decades ago.

  • Dealing with a stupid ER nurse using medical tape to try and keep the wrong size cuff on my arm, the tape splitting and the nurse huffing off to get his supervisor
  • Having too small cuffs bruising me dozens of times
  • Having large cuffs bruising me because I have really big upper arms with batwings

I thought I’d come up with a solution by insisting they use the cuff on my forearm. Techs and nurses balked at first, but for the last 5 years, it has been a matter-of-course to take my BP that way.

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Then today, the nurse came at me with a thigh cuff, easily twice as large as the large-sized cuff. I asked her to please take it on my lower arm and she said they had just had training saying it was required to take it on the upper arm because doing it on the forearm is “quite inaccurate.” I grudgingly said she could try, but if it hurt, I would cry.

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The cuff goes on and begins tightening. And tightening. And tightening even more. I said, “It hurts, take it off,” and it stopped pumping up so I said I’d sit still. Then it began tightening again and I nearly hollered, “GET IT OFF.” She did, charting, “Patient refuses BP.” I corrected her: I am more than glad to have my BP done, but on my forearm. She shrugged and left the room.

After my appointment with the Endo (which went really well), I asked how we were going to resolve this BP issue and she said it was “policy” and she would ask what to do. I said, “Patient requests forearm blood pressure,” please put that in my chart. She did.

Fat Anger

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We (our country) is fat… and getting fatter. What is wrong with healthcare providers that they do not make concessions for us? I’ve been writing about this since 1987!!! This is ridiculous.

Not accommodating fat people is yet another way to discriminate and intimidate fat folks. Healthcare providers not doing so prevents far too many people from obtaining care at all, care that can keep them healthier… and for you fat haters, even help fat folks lose some weight (if they want to or are able to).

Over the years, in the courts, this accommodating for “morbidly obese” people has been argued. The general consensus is now that fat falls under the American With Disabilities Act. One more thing on our side.

Please Speak Up!

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Many fat people in our society sit in these tiny chairs, put up with exam tables that do not go up and down and never ask for accomodations for their size. I speak up whenever I can, but I cannot do it alone.

Thinner/Smaller friends and family, please “see” things how we do. If you see people squished into chairs, quietly talk to the office manager, explaining how difficult the chairs are for fat people. Say you have a family member or friend (which I am!) or partner that won’t say anything, but that they get bruises every visit. If you work in an office, restaurant or anywhere people need to sit, please advocate for us to get the proper seating for fat folks.

Special mention to servers: PLEASE STOP SEATING FAT PEOPLE IN BOOTHS (unless they ask to be put in one specifically). It is humiliating to try and squish ourselves into the tight tight space at a booth.

And if anyone thinks the small chairs and small spaces are going to force us to lose weight, you are woefully incorrect. Fat-Haters, rue the day this issue is yours or someone’s you love.

Thanks for listening. Rant over.

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painter: Igor-Grabar

Life Lesson: Circling the Beauty

Boudoir Beauty

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A friend of mine had boudoir pictures done. She’d had a difficult few years, including a double mastectomy because of breast cancer. It took every ounce of (emotional) strength to agree to the photo shoot, wanting it as a surprise to her several-decade-long partner. When the proofs came, she was shyly pleased at how she looked. Most were fairly modest, but others did show her precious scars that saved her life.

Timidly, she showed her husband.

His response was: Nice lighting.

Broken-hearted and filled with unnecessary shame, she came into our secret group and shared a couple of the more modest photos asking if they were that bad that he didn’t even comment on what she looked like.

My friend’s pictures are stunning. When I opened the first one, I had shivers from the beauty of seeing this woman, literally, laying bare the fears she’s harbored for so, so long. (As many of us in this society do.) Of course we all held her close and loved on her, and told her what a doofus he was for not “seeing” her, but all of our approval was a drop compared to what she’d needed from him.

I’ve thought of this for several days now, asking the couple of guys in my life why a husband would do that? Why he couldn’t even muster a “You’re beautiful,” even if was fake. My male friends said about the same thing: Men suck.

Ye Olde Body Image

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We women struggle with our body images, many of us since childhood.

I remember when I first began having sex, I never wanted to get on top because my breasts drooped off my chest, not remaining in pretty round orbs like the girls in Playboy. Then after having one giant baby after another, I didn’t want to get on top because my entire mid-section sagged down with gravity. Suddenly, my breasts were the least of the flopping about.

Just sitting here writing this, I remember the shame acutely. I have tears dripping from the corner of my eyes because I find myself so repulsively ugly. I feign not being embarrassed at all these doctor appointments, but the reality is I cringe every time someone needs to touch my body.

Sexy Shame

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When I go to Sex Parties, there is no shame from anyone. Bodies are bodies are bodies. Most of us there are old enough to know life before Internet porn, so, I believe, have a more realistic view of growing-older bodies and sex. Besides under the covers, the only place I am free to be naked is with my kinky and swinging friends. (Even still, I am always nervous about taking my clothes off at the beginning of the evening. NO ONE EVEN CARES! Yet, I still do.)

Our Bodies Turning On Us

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Fat, folds, scars, sags, creases, hair where we don’t want it, no hair where we do want it, adult acne (what the fuck are we doing still getting acne in our 60’s?!), leaking when we sneeze, farting at inopportune times… belching, using your inhaler before having sex, having not one, but two pillboxes to fill every week… having to eat by the clock so your blood glucose doesn’t go too high, or goddess forbid, too low! (One of the not-so-funny funny things is you have to shoot insulin into a roll of fat. Every. Single. Time I have to give myself a shot, I roll my eyes at the luck of so many gooshie sites to choose from.)

And let’s not even begin in the genital area.

“Rejuvenation”

People with means might be thinking, “Not me!” and so many begin having plastic/reconstructive surgeries as early as 16. That girls under 20 are asking for labiaplasty because they think their vulvas are ugly makes my heart hurt. Can an entire generation of women feel even more body shame than I have about mine? It seems so.

It’s sad to me that so many girls and women… and men! think our bodies should be porn-perfect or fantasy-ready.

I have no easy answers.

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Bipolar Diary: Incremental Shift

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Loving Nudge

After my Bipolar Diary: Depression Deepens post, I had several people tell me to call my psychiatrist immediately. I thought I could white knuckle it for another week, but others saw what I couldn’t. I trust those closest to me and picked up the phone, getting pushed into a non-existent spot in his schedule the next day. Wednesday, August 2, 2017.

Office Visit

The crying had been keeping me from functioning and did not abate while in his office.

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I told him about the suicidal ideation increasing… then added the obligatory, “But I have no plans to hurt myself, am not stockpiling meds and promise to call 911 if I do find myself getting too close.” He replied, “I understand how frightening they (the thoughts) can be, even when you aren’t consciously creating them.” I breathed a sigh of relief that he seemed to understand.

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artist: Soren Dreier

I’ve had at least 8 different psychiatrists in 30 years and this one is one of the top 2. He listens to me, takes my preferences seriously like refusing the Risperdal increase and is infinitely patient with my continued distress.

I really am so blessed to have such a kind (and gifted) doctor. I know that is rare and how privileged I am to be able to receive quality medical and psychiatric care.

I OWE MY AWESOME CARE TO THE ACA/OBAMACARE INSURANCE I HAVE.

I would not be alive without it.

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Medication Change… Again

I continued crying while he pondered, looking at his computer, typing some, then thinking again.

He found a medication I had not tried before… Latuda… which I’ve since read is used specifically for bipolar depression. Yes, yes… it does come with a laundry list of side effects, but I’m ignoring them, listening to my body instead.

I know it takes at least 2 weeks (in my body) to 6 weeks to feel the full effect of psych meds, but when I got home from the appointment, I took my first pill. Then the next morning, I took the second. (It is taken once a day.)

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Whether placebo or really working that fast, I did not cry until late evening the next day. I didn’t cry the next night, either. And the ideation has slowed, the thoughts feeling more “transparent,” fewer hard imaginings. The images had been like mosquito bites, begging to be scratched. (Not sure I explained that clearly… I’m having a terrible time writing this, pardon spelling and grammar errors, please.)

August 6, 2017

I’m feeling better still. The doc told me that if I was feeling too sedated, to drop the Risperdal, which I did on day 3 after starting the Latuda. I’ve been on Risperdal since 1995, so it is a major thought process to not take it before bed. I do feel less sedated (I described it like someone spiked my drink), but there’s a lot more room for not dropping into a slumber at any given moment.

Let me get this out so those who are following along know how I am doing. Thanks for you care and attention, my dear friends. Thank you for your love.

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artist: Zenos Frudakis

Bipolar Diary: Depression Deepens

TWMental

Depression

The last 2 weeks have sucked even worse than when I wrote on July 13, 2017. Tears. Tears. Never-ending tears. The suicidal ideation is coming more often and is more vivid than when I started the Paxil. And the damn hallucinations are back.

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Almost all of my time is in bed, either curled in pain (another post), staring at the ceiling or sleeping. I leave I Love Lucy on in the background. Sometimes Friends. I’m listening to Mists of Avalon (a book I love), but when I listen in bed, I fall right to sleep. I’ve replayed Chapter 6 four times already.

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artist: Edvard Munch

An Odd Sorta Depression

When looking for images about depression lying, I came across several pieces like this one below:

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Not sure if I’m just more familiar with my depression than when I was younger or if it has really shifted, but I do not hear the lies the girl in the image does… nothing negative about my body, how alone I am in the world, how fat/ugly/sick I am. I did when I was younger, but not anymore.

I just feel sad. An overwhelming sadness. A pall of melancholia that separates me from the rest of you. I cannot even touch what I am sad about except for the endless distress I have about our country because of 45. But this joylessness is deeper than the fear-for-our-lives kind. I feel like I’m under the thick glass of my Nana’s cake pedestal, so close to others, but unable to penetrate the barrier of dreariness to make a connection.

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Medication Changes

The psych doc upped the Paxil to 30mg after 2 weeks on 20mg. He said he still might have to increase it when I see him in 2 weeks. For fuck’s sake, can’t this stuff take effect already? I hate this waiting part.

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I have weaned off the Cymbalta. Is that the reason for this huge dip? Who knows anymore. He wanted to increase my Risperdal, but I refused; the eating is out of control with more Risperdal… can’t abide by that.

An aside: I despise the new packaging that seems to be taking over the medication world. I am not stupid, can follow directions, but they are incredibly difficult for me to get into. I’ve asked the Pharmacy to open them for me and then I rip the inner blister pack out, throwing the outer box away. If you haven’t see them, let me introduce you.

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“Follow these 3 simple steps,” it says. Push the blister pack all the way in, then press on the “lock release button” on the left . Finally, pull the sliding pack out at the same time as pushing the spot on the left. I wish it was as easy as they make it sound! It’s almost worse that rubbing my head and patting my belly at the same time.

Suicidal Ideation

I’ve had lots of suicidal thoughts. My cub stayed with me one night when they were especially bad, reminding me every few minutes that Depression is a Liar. Hearing that, knowing it for certain, is what kept (keeps) me going. Hearing that so-and-so loves me doesn’t do much for my mindset because I rationalize that away easily. Depression Lies, however, works wonders.

Depression is a lying bastard

The thoughts of suicide are so enticing. They call to me seductively as if they were sirens on the ocean’s rocks.

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I try to block them out listening to various albums I have memorized. The Eagles, Carly Simon, Sting (Living Sea), and, of course, Hamilton: An American Musical.

I also try to find positive recovery-from-depression-and-suicidal-thoughts articles and posts online. This is one I go back to over and over:

Suicide Prevention: How to Help Someone who is Suicidal and Save a Life

“A suicidal person may not ask for help, but that doesn’t mean that help isn’t wanted. People who take their lives don’t want to die—they just want to stop hurting.”

When I had my first serious clinical depression in my late teens, I didn’t understand the “wanting the pain to stop” aspect and teetered really close to the edge of death.

As I got older and had some decent therapy, I was able to verbalize the inner turmoil and excruciating emotional pain that was drawing me towards dying. Understanding that I didn’t really want to die, but just to stop hurting… a pain that went so deep as to injure my soul… I was able to cling to those brief seconds of “medication will help remove the pain… hang on a little bit longer.”

Medication and therapy have not failed me yet.

Working/Not Working

Work has been nearly impossible the way I feel. I can do one call, then need 2 hours off to regroup. The calls are easy, mostly with regulars, but the energy expenditure exhausts me. Even writing this post has taken 4 days so far. Ugh. I need to be able to work!

Okay, I need to get this out to you all. It is not a cry for help, I promise. I will not hurt myself, have no plans to.  It’s just those random thoughts that flow through my mind… sometimes like heavy cinder blocks and others like wafting vapors. As long as they continue moving on the conveyor belt, I think I’m okay and headed towards healing.

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Thanks for listening

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Always reaching for help.

Bipolar Diary: New Meds for Depression

My psychiatrist, whom I adore, was great, totally understanding where I have been. I did tell him about the suicidal thoughts, said the standard line “I do not have a plan to kill myself and promise I will not” to quell any concerns he might have.

I forgot to mention in the last post that all my hallucinations have vanished. ALL of them. I cannot remember a time in 2 decades that I have not had at least one hallucination going on, usually olfactory. My world has quieted… and it is disconcertingly odd.

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Medications

I was prescribed Paxil, 20 mg a day and see the doc again in 2 weeks to see if we up it or not. I also lowered the Cymbalta from 90 mg a day to 60 mg a day for a week, then down to 30 mg after that. Interestingly, I have never taken Paxil in all these decades with Depression and Bipolar Disorder.

Dr. Google revealed that Paxil can bring on hypomania, mania, insomnia, agitation and more. I read those side effects and thought, “Bring it on!”

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It takes 2-3 weeks to really begin working in earnest and then another few weeks to settle into the system. Crossing my fingers things get better fast. I miss writing!

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Bipolar Diary: So, So Depressed

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I can barely function. Writing has become nearly impossible. I see the Psychiatrist tomorrow morning at 8am. I am hanging on tightly until then.

Despite what I write next, I will not hurt myself. I will not vanish into death. I promise.

Visions of suicide float through my mind. Romantic images of dying like Ophelia (trite, I know) wander, unbidden, throughout my day.

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artist: Simmonds

I mentally count my meds, seeing if I have enough to make me fall asleep forever.

Even as I sleep 18 hours a day, unable to work, I am still always exhausted.

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artist: Adolph von Menzel

I cannot wait to get help tomorrow.

Anal Sex Tutorial

On one of my Facebook groups, the topic of anal sex came up, questions about how to initiate and actually do it brought great responses from others and since I have a LOT of experience with anal sex, I thought I would share, too. It got to be wayyyyy too long as a FB post, so decided a blog post was a better idea.

Therefore, here is a pretty stream-of-conscious explanation about having anal sex for the first time (in particular), but even those of us with a lot of experience can always learn more, right? If you see something I’ve forgotten, please don’t hesitate to let me know so I can amend this tutorial.

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How I Learned

When I was 17-21 years old, I lived with a steady stream of gay men, up to 8 at one time, often in one room… no bedrooms. I recall watching beds-full and then rooms-full of men having all sorts of gay sex. Resting on my side, head on my hand, elbow on my bed against the wall, I studied what the guys were doing. I did eventually ask for instructions and they graciously taught me, step-by-step, how to give oral sex and receive anal sex. I’ve had the opportunity to practice both skills many, many times over the decades and from what I have heard, I’ve been a very good student. Now, I share with you!

Inclusivity/Intersectionality

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While I am very fat, white, have physical disabilities, am a multiply neurodivergent Latinx, polyamorously kinky, sometimes-dyke, it’s important to me to be as inclusive in my language and purpose as possible. When I say “cock,” I mean penis, dildo, fingers… whatever you consider a dick. As I write, I “see” all genders & sexualities, as well as an endless variety of bodies… -abled and differently so, with and without specific genitalia, very very thin to super-gorgeously fat (like me!). Even so, I will make mistakes and take missteps… I apologize in advance. I’d love to know where I went sideways if you have a moment to leave a comment.

A plea to artists & photographers

It took me way too freakin’ long to find appropriate drawings and photos of different races, abilities and sizes… never mind not finding any trans drawings at all. I found one drawing of a woman of size. That’s just wrong! If you are an artist or photographer, I beg of you, when you create sex pieces, to please draw & photograph people, not just the standard-sized white man and woman… and fuck that woman-is-always-receptive crap, too.

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A multi-racial, male-as-receptive-partner (“Pegging“) illustration. A fantastic image!

Words & Euphemisms

Being in the Adult Industry, I know and use a wide variety of sexually-charged words. As I embark on this Anal Sex Tutorial, I know verbiage can be welcoming or, if not heard positively, show someone to the exit. However, I cannot possibly know if your proper word for anus is butt hole, asshole, rosebud, pucker, hole, rear door, bunghole or any number of other euphemisms that exist in English or the other languages you might speak. If I use a word that makes you wince, please replace that word with your own personal favorite and do that throughout the piece.

Taboo

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We all surely know that talking about anything dealing with the anus, including defecating, is pretty much not allowed in our culture. When we talk about it in a sexual context, people and religions nearly lose their minds. Anal sex even has its own legal term: Sodomy. (“Sodomy” includes anal and oral sex.) Sodomy laws weren’t abolished completely in the United States until 2003. TWO-THOUSAND-THREE! 

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Lawrence V. Texas (2003)

So, if just saying the words surrounding anal sex is frowned upon (understatement), actually touching and penetrating the anus can cause intense reactions of disgust and revulsion. Please know this is so normal! But, sexually-exploring folks with the same societal pressures as you, have crossed into eroticizing anal sex and, with some re-training and re-focusing your mental habits, you can, too!

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Onward, Ho!

Lubricant: The first, last and middle word with anal sex is: LUBE! You can never use too much lube when doing anal sex. Butt holes don’t self-lubricate like a vagina or mouth, so we need to lube the back end like mad. There are a variety of types, so if you are using gloves, condoms or toys, be sure to choose the correct lube for your needs.

(At the end, I will explain the “cleaning out”/enema process. Assume at the moment, your prep has already been done.)

Gloves (Condoms in a moment): Many, many people use gloves… for the obvious cleanliness reason and to cover fingernails that might scrape the colon. Remember to note if you or your partner are latex-sensitive so you can buy non-latex gloves. If you do not use gloves, please make sure your nails are short and do not have hangnails that can scratch your partner’s insides.

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Non-Latex glove… using one on each hand? Not a bad idea.

Safe Words: For everyone, a “Safe Word” is really good, but especially if you are remotely nervous about playing with your arse. The most common Safe Words I have seen are Green for “keep going,” Yellow for “please slow down” and Red for “stop right now.” Be sure to clarify that Red means “stop moving,” and not “PULL OUT FAST.” Sometimes we just need to breathe for a moment before continuing when we call Red. Red might very well signal the end of the session, so the person inside the anus needs to pull out very slowly. Never hesitate to use your Safe Words and there should never be shame for calling an end to the session.

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The “Red” Safeword for my play right now: Rochambeau!

Triggers: You and your partner can discuss private/personal boundaries as well. Anyone with a sexual abuse history might be triggered with anal play… and not always just the first time, either. Be aware of what you are feeling and use your Safe Words if you feel weird mentally/emotionally at any time. There is NEVER any shame for stopping sex… at any time… for any reason.

Aftercare: If the receptive partner calls their Safe Word for pain’s sake or because they were triggered, Aftercare is incredibly important. Aftercare is different for each person. Some need to be held, whereas others need to not be touched at all. Learning each person’s Aftercare needs is typically trial and error. Honor the process and the triggered person’s needs… not your own until they are taken care of. But yes, both may surely need processing after the session.

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Anal Toys & Training

F is for FLANGE: For many, the first line of anal training is using toys. An enormous variety exists, from very small/thin to incredibly oh-my-fucking-god huge. Just like the main word in anal play is “Lube,” the code word for putting any toy in your butt is FLANGE. Emergency Rooms don’t even bat an eye when someone comes in with a dildo/vegetable/fruit/dog toy/space ranger stuck inside, but it can be really embarrassing for you. Please, please use toys designed for anal play and leave the MacGyver toys to others.

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The Flange

Good Vibrations: I do not work for Good Vibes nor make one cent from recommending them. I just adore that they are so people-oriented, including education for the wide variety of bodies and sexualities. Their customer service is amazing. You can call them and they are glad to help you figure out your needs and then allowing you to decide on your own without the upselling crap a lot of other places are wont to do. Their toys can be fairly expensive, but they last for years, even with lots of play. Take a peek at their Anal Toys & Lube and see what they have to offer.

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Strap-ons are awesome for all genders.

Anal Beads: are a place many folks start (most aren’t like bead beads), then move to gradually larger toys. The toys can be fairly thin, can be graduated in size, can vibrate and some are made just for men. Look around and see which ones resonate for you. Good Vibes has beginner kits that offer some guidance.

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Anal Beads

Butt Plugs: are meant to be put in and left in, either during sex or as prep for the night’s fun. Some people put it in when they come home from work… and some put one in when they are heading in to work. They can be worn for no longer than 8 hours (like tampons) at a time. It is kinky as all get out to walk around at work or sit on your office chair squirming all day.

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Butt Plugs

Plugs have even gotten fashionable with jewels and everything.

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The jewel is the flange!

Anal Dildos: are yummy!

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Anal Dildos

Especially when they vibrate!

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Vibrating Anal Dildo (the black bullet vibe is inserted into the bottom)

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Setting Up

Protect Your Area! Keeping your play area protected helps with clean-up, especially since you’re using 10-gobs of lubricant. Lay down disposable underpads, beach towels, a tarp/shower curtain… whatever you think will be a great lube-catcher. Anal sex is not something to do without floor, carpet or especially, mattress protection. If you strive for a small landfill impact, you might choose wet washcloths and hand towels to wipe your hands with during the sex session. I, on the other hand, am horribly wasteful and choose to use baby wipes and paper towels… not real ecological, but much easier to clean-up.

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Condoms: In my experience, most folks choose to use condoms when having anal sex. Even with dildos. There’s the safety factor (STIs etc.), but they are also for cleanliness and ease of clean up if you have a cismale orgasm inside your rectum. Condoms can also be a concrete reminder to not put the penis or dildo into the vagina after leaving the anus. Instead, pull the condom off, wash your hands and toys in soapy water, rinsing, then you are welcome to continue with vaginal play. If you use condoms with oral or vaginal sex, change your condom after anal play.

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Un-Sexy Health Note!

It really is crucial to never go from the anus to the vagina.  As I said above, body parts and toys once in the anus canNOT go into the vagina or mouth without a thorough soap and water cleansing. I cannot stress that enough. If you rim the anus (analingus), do not lick from bottom up to the vagina. If rimming is going to be done, start “high”… the mouth, the clit, the vagina, the perineum, then the rectum. Never the other way around. Also, you should consider having dedicated anal play toys. Even cleaned really well, there’s always a chance of harboring some bacteria the butt hides inside.

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From top to bottom.

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Touching

S L O W: Start slow. Penetrating the bunghole is rarely the first item on the menu. Lots of touching, kissing, nipple & genital play helps relax all involved. For some folks, having at least one orgasm before attempting anal sex makes things easier as well.

Fingering: As one moves toward the rosebud, lubed fingers can feel delicious when the pad of the finger is slid over the hole, back and forth, gently… then in circles around the hole, not touching it directly… moving inward as a nautilus. Kissing when the finger is nudging closer helps the relaxing tremendously.

Slipping In: As the first finger begins to slide in, it needs to go really slow. A bit, then a bit more… it can take more than 5 minutes to slip a finger in to the first knuckle. Slow is fine. However, if you want more, faster, do not hesitate to state your need and/or desire.

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Enter the Cock: As with the finger, once the dick or toy is set for rear entry, slow and easy, please. Gentle, slow, touching, caressing, sweet words of encouragement (from both parties) all help to create a positive experience. Inching in, bit by bit, then once all the way in… not moving while the receptive partner acclimates to the fullness. At any time, if the receptive person needs to stop and breathe, do not hesitate to tell your play partner.

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Wahhhhh! The first 2-5 times one has anal sex, the first 5-20 minutes is “the worst part” (quote from dozens of folks). It can be really uncomfortable and not orgasmically pleasant during the early part of the session. Breathing helps the process… hurting less and hurting for less time. I promise, the time does eventually arrive that the entry is a fantastic experience.

NOTE, HOWEVER! If it hurts a LOT, stop. Tearing can happen inside and that isn’t so good. As well, if there is any blood, stop immediately. If it continues, get help right away.

No wahhhhh? If you do not have discomfort at all, that is awesome! There’s not one thing wrong with you. Each person’s body is elastic in different places. Yours might be in the anus. Lucky you! No passing any judgment on ones anus size, okay? We critique enough of ourselves.

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Masturbating with your hand or a vibrator can be an awesome relaxation technique when learning to have anal sex with your partner.

Get It ON: This is the part when you two have your anal fun! I will step out for awhile.

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After-Play: If your cismale partner orgasms inside you without a condom, be sure to head to the toilet toot sweet when you are finished, with a towel between your legs, because the semen can soften any stool inside and gooshy wet can drip out. If you’ve done a prep, it won’t be as dramatic.

Washing Up: Be sure everything involved in your play gets washed well with soap and water. Taking a shower, perhaps together, bringing your toys with you is an easy way to get everyone/everything risk-free for play next time. Wash towels and sheets and anything else that got soiled in hot water with bleach if possible. (White linens are good for any sex play, in my opinion, specifically for the clean-up aspects.)

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After-Sex Processing

Como siempre, it is always good and can be really important to touch base with each other about how the experience was for each of you. This can be part of the Aftercare or it can be something you two think about for awhile, then meet back up later to talk about. Even with a wonderful, passionate, uninhibited anal sex session, the re-emergence of the societal constraints of anal taboos is really common. I often encourage folks to email each other if they find speaking aloud is challenging. But try not to just ignore the experience, even if it wasn’t as pleasant for you as for your partner. See if adjustments can be made before scrapping the idea altogether.

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Enema Preparation for Anal Sex

Enemas are your friend when getting ready for anal sex. Planning ahead for anal sex encourages an atmosphere of anticipation, but it also removes the spontaneity some find erotic. You do what works for you.

I encourage using one of the smaller sized enema kits you find in regular pharmacies, twice. Others choose to use a larger bucket, soapsuds enema because it really cleans one’s colon out well. You can buy the bucket enema online or medical supply stores.

Follow the directions that come with the enemas and you’ll be fine.

I have lots of experience giving and having enemas so I offer these 3 pieces of advice.

  1. Lay towels (or, even better, disposable pads) under you while inserting and holding the enema before dashing to the toilet
  2. Turn onto your left side as much as possible
  3. Hold the fluid as long as possible… then a few moments longer

Try to do the enemas about 60 minutes before anal play begins. That gives the body time to expel the liquid. Using baby wipes to clean yourself, or better yet, a nice shower, before sex, will make sure you are fresh as a daisy for your partner.

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Conclusion

Whew! I had no idea I could talk so much about anal sex! I hope you’ve made it down this far with me.

I know there was a lot of technical… and even political… information, but I do want to encourage you to, most of all, have BIG fun while exploring with each other. Anal sex is a wondrous experience of trust and intimacy… even if it is merely for the length of the session.

Again, enjoy yourself!

Thanks for hanging in there and again, do let me know if I need to add or change something to be more inclusive and respectful.

Now, off with you!

And bend over, baby.

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