My Wall-E-esque Life: Part 1

“Fat Acceptance” has been a catch-phrase for at least 40 of the years I have been alive. In 2 parts, I share my experiences and lessons learnt being a part of the…

Fat Acceptance Movement.

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I’ve been fat ever since I got my tonsils out when I was 7-years old.

Fat kid, teen, adult and now a “mature” adult.

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Trials (and Errors)

I’ve done dozens of diets, been prescribed Black Beauties & other speed (starting at age 8), belonged to many gyms, taken Phen-Fen (with success, but with heart valve damage), tried Topamax (fail), used Wellbutrin (fail), had a Roux en Y Gastric Bypass (with fabulous success, then epic failure), done hypnosis & acupuncture (fail & fail), become a daily Mindfulness Meditation fanatic (fail for weight loss/huge win for pain relief), have tried to have anorexia, then bulimia, hand-written hundreds of thousands of journal pages, letting them “hold” my pain, shame, revulsion, self-hate, wishes, fears, hopes &, eventually, resolution with my size.

I remain in resolution.

I will never diet or take diet drugs again. Ever.

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Time & Money

Thinking about the masses of time and money I’ve spent trying to lose weight makes my head spin.

Time

  • Going to the gym
  • Writing out menus
  • Researching rules and techniques for success
  • Real life or online support group meetings, including social networks talking about losing/gaining weight
  • Shopping slower to read labels and make sure food is “appropriate”
  • Learning new cooking methods
  • Fighting with family about the change in foods in the fridge and cupboards
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artist: Sapphire4723

Money

  • Gym membership
  • New cookbooks
  • Membership fees & apps
  • Tools for success (exercise equipment, pedometer, walking/running shoes, gym clothes, etc.)
  • Tossing all the “bad” food in the garbage
  • Buying all the “good” food
  • Probably eventually buying more “bad” food for my family because they whined so much about foisting my diet on them
  • $28,000 cash for RNY gastric bypass (GB)

Can I include the time and money (including the taxpayer’s) for the years of therapy discussing and crying about all of this?

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Positive?

I was a Fat Activist in the mid-late 80’s, mostly in the lesbian community. I’ve written about being fat-positive for almost 3 decades.

In the beginning, when I was in my 20’s and early 30’s, I was healthy… labs were fine, no diabetes, my joints or feet didn’t hurt. I crowed (bragged, was arrogant) about how it was the fat-hating that made fat people sick and die, not the fat itself.

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Reality

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Now, at 56-years old, I see how delusional I was. I am well on the road to dying before most people in my family did, and they all had diabetes, too. My future resides in my memories of my Cuban relatives & the diabetes complications they endured before dying. Heart attacks, going blind, having toes, then feet cut off, eventually dying in a coma because the body just gave up.

I see it coming as if it was a roaring train heading right for me.

Litany of Pain

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Here are my fat-related illnesses and issues:

  • Type 2 Diabetes (diagnosed at 34 years old), now on 2 insulins and metformin
  • I heal terribly because of the diabetes, often needing antibiotics for residual infections
  • Stage 3 Kidney Disease from the diabetes
  • Pain with every step I take
  • Osteoporosis and arthritis in my feet, which have broken 3 times just from walking for exercise, and one foot breaking while swimming
  • Broke one foot falling off the Wii Fit Board trying to exercise… needed 3 surgeries to repair
  • Arthritis in my lower back, was on opioids for 8+ years for the back pain, becoming incredibly addicted, finally getting clean 3 years ago (yay me!) Now I use Mindfulness Meditation for pain relief, though many times I wish for some Norco.
  • It took me years to find surgeons I felt safe with to get my 4 hernias repaired (one surgery) and then my gallbladder out (a separate surgery, with 3 hospital visits afterwards because of infection)… several turning me away because of my enormous belly size (blessedly, I found the docs and those issues are resolved)
  • Bone loss from possibly 2 main sources: lack of exercise & the GB
  • Walking with a walker, but should be in an electric wheelchair, my feet hurting so badly
  • Using an electric wheelchair when I shop

Nautilus

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My world has gradually become smaller and smaller. After 32 years in birth work (where I hurt daily as well), I am now a sedentary Phone Sex Operator. I live in a small space and leave the house only for doctor appointments, physical therapy, shopping and seeing my doggies at mom’s house.

Writing that makes me sad.

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Part 2 On Its Way

In Part 2 of My Wall-E-esque Life, I will talk about the place the Fat Advocacy Movement does have in our lives. While it might not be health (despite the incessant refrain that it does), it is most assuredly have an enormous place in our physical and emotional world.

More soon!

Fat Girl Stories: My Clitoris

So this is a basic explanation of one very fat female’s clitoris (which I suspect will be a series regarding the sexual and reproductive parts of a fat woman). It goes without saying, your body is different than mine. Your experiences might be the polar opposite of mine. However, I do hope this opens discussion between you, friends, lovers, sex partners, and if they are old enough, even your kids. There is never enough information shared!

If you want more information than I have here, Google “Female Reproductive System” and “Female Sexual Responses” and you will get a good start with the details. Planned Parenthood, of course, also has amazing overview.

The Clitoris

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For real, it wasn’t until 1998 that all of the clitoris was “discovered” (by researchers; I knew it was there!). See the light pink on the picture above? Those are called “the legs” of the clit. And fuck, do they feel good to stimulate. I like my right leg, near the apex where the red and pink meet, stimulated, either with a tongue or fingers. I do not like the clit head actually swiped or licked… it is far too sensitive and feels painful.

My (Precious) Vibe

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Do you hear the angels singing as I show you my vibrator?

The Hitachi Magic Wand is my masturbation addiction. I keep two handy just in case one flickers out. I’ve used the HMW for about 15 years. I recently used a cordless one and it was even more powerful than the corded one. It is next on my list of toys to buy.

The vibe can lower sensitivity if over-used, but all I have to do is not masturbate for 3-4 days and the lusciousness comes right back.

And as I said above, the right side is where I put my vibe.

There have only been a few times in my life that I have been able to orgasm without machinery, not including learning with the powerful faucet/shower massage as a teen. I can orgasm while being fucked, but not with G-Spot stimulation.

Accessibility

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As I said, I am pretty darned fat… right about 330 pounds. Even if I could orgasm with my hand, it is challenging to reach my clit because of my belly. The Hitachi is the perfect extension/reach. I recently wrote a new vibrator company telling them their vibrators were too short for fat men and women to use. They sent me back a nice note saying they hadn’t even thought of that, thanking me for bringing it to their attention.

When I’ve lost weight, my clit became more prominent and even more sensitive if you can imagine. I remember being 150 pounds and wearing blue jeans and feeling my clit rubbing up against the zipper seam. Good goddess, that was a delight. I always wondered if the thinner girls enjoyed continuous stimulation that way.

But, most of my life, sexual and otherwise, I have been super-fat and the fat can pad the area. I’ve always had lovers who found their way around my adipose tissue, knowing how to lift and pull to get where they wanted to go, all while reminding me how deliciously sexy I was. It takes some creative positions sometimes, hips high on pillows or a wedge like the Liberator (below), but who cares? Whatever allows for easier access to the clitoris, right?

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The Liberator!

Tell Me About YOUR Clitoris!

I would love to hear from others… fat, thin, differently-abled, transgender… any wondrous variation of bodies… tell us all about your body’s clitoris. I look forward to this being more a dialog than a one-sided post. There are too many of us that do not match my experiences. Please share yours!

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Intersectionality

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I am watching the Women’s March on Washington and while I had learned about Intersectional Feminism previously, seeing how women’s lives overlap with race, religion, genders, abilities, histories (jail, being on welfare, etc.) and more, live right in front of me, is profound.

And then, as I am writing this, I see that intersectionality itself has been a controversial part of the Women’s March! Well, the organizers made it clear, to me at least, that intersectionality is a major part of the event.

It did not come without conflict, even causing white women to stay away from the March after they felt left out of the planning and implementation of the event.

These reactions reflect an ongoing debate about intersectional feminism — the idea that many women are members of other marginalized groups, which affects their experiences — that is bigger than the march. The issue has especially heated up since social media has democratized and made public conversations about issues affecting women.

“Intersectionality simply means that there are lots of different parts to our womanhood,” Brittney Cooper, an assistant professor of women’s and gender studies and Africana studies at Rutgers University, explained. “And those parts — race, gender, sexuality, and religion, and ability — are not incidental or auxiliary. They matter politically.”

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So, reading about intersectionality in general and the March in particular, I am learning the history.

Kimberlé Crenshaw, a law professor at both UCLA and Columbia, is credited with coining the term intersectionality. She did this in her 1989 paper “Demarginalizing the Intersection of Race and Sex: A Black Feminist Critique of Antidiscrimination Doctrine, Feminist Theory, and Antiracist Politics.”

Crenshaw also pointed out that she came up with intersectionality to address a specific legal problem: As she put it, “To capture the applicability of black feminism to anti-discrimination law.” An example she frequently cites in explaining the need for intersectionality is the 1976 case Degraffenreid v. General Motors, in which five black women sued General Motors for both race and gender discrimination.

I know that understanding where intersectionality comes from gives me context from which to pull.

I Am Intersectional, Too

I have written about how I collect descriptive labels. Interestingly, many, many decry labels and refuse to inhibit their identities with them. But, how does one eschew labels yet embrace intersectionality? Is that possible?

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I was raised completely different than who I am now. As a young girl, I learned the ways of the white, heterosexual, cisgender, able-bodied and middle-class world. Yet  I am a super-fat mother & grandmother, a femme Dyke, Cubanx/Latinx (knowing virtually nothing about my culture), mentally ill, disabled, a-theist, sex worker, non-TERF feminist who loves a Muslim man and who learnt Spanish as an adult. I don’t know how I would figure out my intersections without all those labels… and the ones I forgot to list.

Watching the end of the March’s rally, I am incredibly happy to see the wide variety of women represented , many of whom do intersect with my identities.

I’m sure the arguments for and against the Women’s March on Washington are being formulated or written about even now, but I am extremely pleased… more than that… excited, energized, inspired… by the speakers, poets, musicians, singers and leaders who were on that stage today.

I wish I was there.

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Fat Girl Stories: Cyber-ly Abled

So when I watched Avatar and saw Jake, unable to walk and in a wheelchair, take on a Na’vi body that allowed him to not only walk, but even run, I felt pangs of jealousy.

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“In Real Life” Reality

I have not been able to walk very far for several years. After the Gastric Bypass in 2001, I lost lots of weight (which I have gained most of back), but also any calcium I took in wasn’t absorbed and now I have osteoporosis.

I have broken my feet (both) two times from trying to walk to lose weight and again last year falling up some stairs. I have broken my left foot requiring 3 surgeries after falling off a Wii Fit board, also trying to lose weight. Ironically, I fell over a balance scale in 1995 and broke my right ankle and that required 2 surgeries to repair and left me unable to walk but to the bathroom for almost 3 years. I am quite accustomed to the post-surgical boots now.

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(And no, losing weight will not fix it. It could make them hurt less, but trying to lose weight when you cannot exercise is a distinct challenge. Even swimming, I have cracked a bone in the top of my foot.)

I have been counseled several times to get an electric wheelchair, but have balked. Now with the new #NotMyPresident coming into power, I might have lost my window for getting one with insurance paying. Instead, I use a walker when I have to walk somewhere (therapist’s or doctor’s office, for example) or an electric cart if they have one (Target, Costco, etc.). I no longer walk in the mall, Disney World, concerts or go anywhere I have to walk further than about 4 minutes and when I do, I go very slow to preserve my bones.

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Virtual Reality

Virtual Reality is used for a variety of rehabilitative purposes, including with autism and others who need help acclimating after an injury that changes the person’s abilities. It is used with spinal cord injuries to teach folks how to move and even walk again.

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Even so, there are detractors, saying:

Some people also worry that steady exposure to virtual reality could alter the way people perceive the real world. Concerns have also been raised about the effects of people mostly communicating with others online. But on the other hand the internet and VR-enhanced communications can also be a great way of bringing people around the world closer together and enable disabled people with restricted mobility and independence, to interact with a wider network of people.

The thing is, I am not playing with Virtual Reality, but am creating my own Scenes, scenarios, storylines and community online through my writing. But yes, I know being online has increased my interactions with others… absolutely.

Cyber-Reality

When I am online, which is a lot, I am freed from those pesky real life limitations of being fat and physically disabled. I am able to walk miles, run through (metaphoric) meadows, sit on my cub’s lap and do all the things I ache to do in real life that will never happen again. I feel like Jake; freed from the constraints of my flesh and (brittle) boned body.

I cannot go out for coffee or have delicious sex as much as I desire because of my physical restrictions. Online, my life is robust and I would say almost completely satisfying. I miss my kids and grandbabies and miss going to Disney World (and those are enormous things to miss), but other than that, I am pretty content where I am behind the screen. I never want to be in a face-to-face lover relationship again; my virtual one is amazing and I embrace it fully.

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I love being able to have unencumbered sex with my sweet osezno, relieved of the logistics that real life would dictate. And what’s wonderful is he, too, is able to suspend reality, allowing me to be free… outside my body… and flying inside my mind. It is a gift he allows me that is completely dependent on the mechanism with which we communicate; the computer. Together, we tangle, we swirl together, we move around as if we were two feathers dancing on a current of air. Real life sex was never so uninhibited. It is a joy to be in this luscious place without my lifelong concerns… and occasional anguish… revolving around my body size, history of sexual abuse or even (seemingly) illogical psychiatric issues.

It is in these beautiful places that I do, most assuredly, feel cyber-ly abled.

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Fat Girl Stories: O’ to Not Be Fat Anymore

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Fat, Weight Loss Surgery, Weight Loss Medications, Weight Gain all discussed.

I wrote and published this in my Navelgazing Midwife blog on May 3, 2007. Pictures have been added, but nothing else has been changed. I’m sitting here smirking about how arrogant I was throughout my life thinking I would find *A CURE* for my obesity. I was delusional, even in this post.

End result? NOTHING WORKED.

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Artist, Jenny Saville

Fat Angry Woman

  • Pacer. I was called Pacer throughout Junior High because I had a “wide rear end” like the GMC car of the 70’s.
  • I’ve had eggs thrown at me while walking around the block trying to lose weight.
  • Another year, I had a kid throw oranges at me while doing the same thing.
  • I’ve been moo’d at hundreds of times.
  • I’ve been laughed at, stared at, and ignored.
  • I’ve had to sit at a table and chair because I couldn’t fit in a desk at school (for years).
  • I’ve had to shop from a catalogue (pre-Internet) because no store had clothes large enough for me.
  • I went without bra and underwear for 15 years because I couldn’t find a decent-sized fit that didn’t cut the hell out of me.
  • I lived with yeast under my pannus and breasts for decades because I thought it was “chafing” – trying to cure it with powder, corn starch, Gold Bond, zinc oxide, keeping hankies or bandanas tucked under my pannus, struggling to keep it dry. I blew dry it half a dozen times a day and still it remained seeping moist. Once I learned it was yeast, in my thirties, and used Monistat on it, my life transformed!
  • My thighs’ friction burned each other to the point of losing skin, especially when wearing panty hose (de rigeur in the 70’s) and I used bandanas to keep my thighs protected from each other. I remember learning about bloomers and thought they were the miracle of the world. I never owned a pair, but quickly thereafter, bike shorts came into my reality and I have never been without them again.
  • I hobbled so badly a woman took me aside at a dance and told me about Birkenstocks. She said she hobbled from her fat, too, until Birkenstocks and they saved her feet. Poor, I asked her how much they cost and when she told me they were almost $100 I almost choked! She told me they were worth the ability to walk and somehow I manifested the money and have only worn Birkenstocks since. I now own 20+ pairs.
  • I’ve sat on airplanes and spilled onto two seats, using two seatbelts, almost needing three. I either flew on near-empty flights or flew with my partner so I could seat-share with her
  • I lived with the food voices speaking, whispering, and screaming inside my head my entire life except for three distinct times: when I was on Phen-Fen, during the first year after the gastric bypass and now, on Topamax. When the food voices are “on,” they are incessant and never-ending. They don’t take a breath, rest, relax, and stop even for a second to consider my feelings or sanity – they merely run and Run and RUN through my mind until I want to scream – or eat to make it shut up. And even if I eat and the voices recede to the background for a moment, it isn’t but a moment before they are loud and screaming yet again. Is it any wonder I wanted to make them shut up?
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Artist, Jenny Saville

From Whence I Came

I was dying of being 350 pounds. I am not dying of being 220 pounds. I can live easily and delightfully at 220 pounds. Would I like to eliminate the pannus I have from having three kids? Sure! Will I? Maybe, maybe not. Do I wear sleeveless dresses and shirts even though I have swinging arm skin? You betcha.

I remember what it was like being fat(ter). I remember the sadness, the anger, the feeling of being a victim I felt. I remember how I didn’t fit in – literally. I remember how I didn’t fit in chairs, through turnstiles, on rides, in booths. I remember how it felt every single time I would go out of the house, heave myself into my car, heave myself out of the car, walk into and out of a store, feel myself looked at by children and teenagers… and many adults. I remember ripping clothes because they were too tight, too old, I squeezed in the car and they got caught between me and the steering wheel. I remember being watched while shopping for food. I remember hating eating out because people watched me. I remember eating in secret. I remember hiding food because I didn’t want people to see how much food I ate. I remember hating how little control I had over myself. I tried, every day, to do better. To stop the voices. To stop eating. To stop eating so much. I hated being so observed.

Fat Acceptance

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I remember using my writing skills to move Fat Acceptance forward by outlining each ride at Disney World (I went by “gardenia” back then) and how fat people would do on them… writing about health care and fat acceptance… writing just using the word “fat” (which made some people [usually not fat] very uncomfortable) itself!

I’ve been to rallies and stood next to Fat Acceptance chicks and spoken on behalf of Fat Moms and Fat Dykes – asking (demanding) that we get decent chairs at the Gay Pride Festival, that we be remembered when tee-shirts are ordered at all events, and that everyone remember fat is just another way of Be-ing.

When I got really angry, though, was when I started seeing my lab work going downhill. For years I’d bragged about how great my lab work was even though I was fat. Until I was 34, everything was great. Then, my Hemoglobin A1C, my glucoses, my cholesterol… everything went to shit. I didn’t pay that much attention until I was hospitalized for a kidney infection that was complicated by extremely high glucoses. With a family history of diabetes (I am Cuban); I couldn’t just sit and watch the glucose/kidney correlation with abandon.

I’d always despised when people said they’d had Weight Loss Surgery (WLS). I disgustedly spat out the words, “Mutilating Surgery” as I watched a fat person choose WLS. I didn’t even want to hear their story. I didn’t care. There wasn’t reason enough to me for someone to cut apart their body that way. It was repulsive to me.

Weight Loss Medications

Drugs were no different. I’d been given Black Beauties at 10 years old and a variety of other weight-loss drugs over the years and none of them worked and all of them made me even fatter.

Diets were stupid and I’d long ago given up on any diets. (At least publicly.) Privately, I tried a couple for a week or so, but couldn’t ever do anything for longer than that.

But, when I was getting sick, I had to do something and chose the method of the moment and that was Phen-Fen. It seemed ideal and, at that time, it was.

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Phen-Fen (Phentermine & Fenfluramine)

Phen-Fen was a dream! Within 3 days, my mind shut up and the voices were gone. I couldn’t believe something could actually make the voices stop! I loved it. I was on Phen-Fen for 19 months and lost 111 pounds. I was still 230 pounds, so wasn’t any thin thing, but I loved where I was – in a silent world of normalcy.

When they took Phen-Fen off the market, the voices returned and came back in a furor I’d never heard before. It was as if they were so angry at being silenced for so long, they were going to tell me 19 months’ worth of what they wanted me to hear. I was forced to listen. And I ate. And ate. And ate. I gained 130 pounds in 9 months.

Immediately, my diabetes, cholesterol, triglycerides, sleep apnea, stress incontinence, PCOS, IBS became issues I would contend with for another 10 years. Sure, I’d end up with a heart defect from the medications, but even all these years later, I waver about whether I would take Phen-Fen or not if it were legal again. The drug’s quieting effect was that restful to my mind.

Weight Loss Surgery

When the illnesses overtook my body and I was so limited in mobility and I was really looking at the last days of a very unhappy and sickly life, I had to make a choice about what I was going to do and I chose the Roux en Y Gastric Bypass. It was almost cruelly ironic. I couldn’t help but laugh. My fat friends, long gone from my now world, would have been disgusted and would have been… long gone… just at the news of my choice.

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My choosing to have Weight Loss Surgery (WLS) reminded me of lesbian friends who went back to men or Christian folks who chose abortion or other such dichotic, head-twisting ideas that make one’s circle of friends wonder what got into us. If I hadn’t been in my own body and head, I’d have thought I’d lost my mind.

What was I about to do? What did I expect out of surgery? Did I think I was going to be a svelte size 6 at the end of the gig? What was I going to do with all my loppy skin? Could I love me smaller than the fat chick I had known and loved for 40 years? Would I even know me smaller? What would I fight about/for now? If I didn’t fight for Fat Chick Rights anymore, who would I be? If I fit in the chairs, who would I be mad at? I was so worried about being lost. So lost.

I had surgery April 5, 2001 and was meticulous with my post-op care and therapy. I lost 100 pounds in 10 weeks simply by being compliant. I wasn’t racing to lose weight, but was racing to save my health and within days, I was off most of my medications and within weeks, all of them. I ended up losing 190 pounds in a year, but wigged out when I put on a pair of size 8 jeans. I absolutely loved being able to shop anywhere, adored walking, crossing my legs for the first time in my life, sitting on my partner’s lap, fitting anywhere I tried (and it took years to figure out my own size in relation to things) and doing cartwheels (I have pictures). My kids didn’t know what to make of me!

Failure. Again.

By year three, I’d regained almost 100 pounds. I was still fairly healthy, but mobility was becoming an issue once again. The sleep apnea was returning as well. The voices had returned with a vengeance. It was the worst of all the returning difficulties.

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(I wasn’t like some of my co-WLS friends who were suicidal because of weight gain. I took it in stride, knowing that most WLS post-ops regain 50% of their weight back. It didn’t make me do more than shrug and sigh about my recurring health concerns. I had thought I’d had enough incentive to keep enough weight off to keep those at bay, but, alas, I was as human as the rest of the gang.)

I never had any illusions of being small forever, but I didn’t really think I’d have to diet again. And yet, I found myself considering diets – the most disgusting shit fat people are told they have to live on in order to be treated humanely in this society.

Blessedly, I still couldn’t eat the massive amounts of food I’d eaten pre-op. While many say they are fat without eating thousands of calories a day, I ate 8000-10,000 calories a day and was unable to see that – or admit that – until I’d had the gastric bypass. I was still able to eat plenty to weigh 250, though! Even with a stomach the size of a shot glass. How’s that for a food addiction?

Anyway, this isn’t really meant to be a play by play of my diet history, but know that through the last few years, I tried a few diets, drank that crap Slim Fast (recently), considered Opti-Fast, Nutri-System, and anything else I could think of that I couldn’t do before WLS and have failed just as miserably now as I did then. How could I think it would be different?

The Voices

What I really was searching for, however, wasn’t the loss of weight; it was the silencing of the voices inside. The screaming inside my head was becoming so loud; I could hardly hear myself think. Some days, I thought I would go crazy from the cacophony. I begged my psychiatrist for help, over and over again. Please, please, don’t you have something for these voices? You have something for the auditory hallucinations of my Bipolar Disorder, where are the medications for this? For a year, she worked with me to get my BPD and my extremely precarious depression into a place of balance before she would even begin talking about food voices. Once I was stable enough on the meds, she whispered a possible solution.

Her name was Topamax.

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Topamax has become my/the new Phen-Fen and I am blessed to have it in my life/head/mind.

More Medication?

Since starting Topamax, the voices have left completely. I am able to eat when hungry, stop when full (to my pouch’s full, not my old stomach’s full), and not be hungry again until a real mealtime is supposed to be. Before Topamax, I grazed nearly continuously and ate meals inbetween the grazing. Since starting the medication, I have lost 30 pounds, sleep apnea, the feet pain, the knee aches, the glucose spikes and my periods are regular again. Just those 30 pounds made a difference.

I am not on medication to lose weight. I am on medication so I don’t try and crush my hands through my skull and make my head shut up its crazy never-ending screaming for food, Food, FOOD. I don’t know what it is in my bio-chemical make-up that creates those voices, but if I hadn’t ever had Phen-Fen before the Topamax, I’d never have known the voices could be quieted; I’d never have even known the voices had a name.

But, I know them now and they are what made me the fat, angry woman. The voices.

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So, this still fat woman isn’t so angry right now because the voices are quieted… drugged, if you want to say that. I don’t really care what you want to call it; they have shut their damn mouths! I can think, function, meditate, talk and even make love without hearing the continuous imploring to find food. I only hope the medication doesn’t have the same sad ending Phen-Fen had, of course, but I’m living in this moment… staying in the joy today.

Pondering

Circumstances surrounding my life have made me sad and even mad at times… the way people have treated me, not treated me, the way I have had to settle for less (so to speak) most of my life because of being so fat, being called names, kids thinking I was pregnant years after having had my babies, looking in the mirror and seeing someone I could barely tolerate looking at. I wonder now, not so fat, if I am still mad at those things. I am certainly unhappy that my fat sisters and brothers have to suffer those indignities I used to suffer – but I also see that people are far fatter today than they were when I had surgery 6 years ago.

(I have made the interesting observation that I spent my childhood as the fat freak and got WLS as an adult and soon enough, more kids will be fat than not and those who have WLS will be the thinner freaks!)

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As a fat chick, I also had such a great life as a very sexually active dyke… danced and played and support grouped myself silly! I might not have been able to walk all over the world, but I sure could ECV all over The World (Disney World, that is!)! My sedentary lifestyle left me plenty of time to write and develop Internet relationships, many of which are now a decade old. I am in a glorious relationship with my Sarah who loves fat chicks of all sizes and I am mom to 4 great and wonderful now-grown kids who loved their mom fat and who are extremely de-sensitized to fat people look-wise, yet highly sensitive to their needs when out and about. I am very proud of them and their love for people; I know that my fatness had a giant (har) place in their gentleness and amount of kindness for different people.

Making Space for Fat Folks

Fat acceptance certainly still has a place in my life. I still work hard to keep fat information in the forefront in my life. My holistic healthcare office accommodates fat folks as easily as non-fat men and women. We have gowns that fit people up to 600 pounds. We have chairs that hold 550 pounds. I made sure the massage tables held 500 pounds. We have a chiropractic table called a Hi-Lo Chiropractic Table that allows those with mobility issues to stand and be lowered gently instead of having to climb on the table. Our pregnant women use the Hi-Lo, too, of course – they can lay on it, belly down, because the middle drops out… sometimes the only time they ever get to be on their stomachs during their pregnancies.

I have a speculum that is appropriate for the women who might need that. I made sure the exam tables were situated in a way that the legs would be comfortable during an exam (I typically don’t use stirrups, but can if a woman wants to). I own a blood pressure cuff that not only has a large cuff, but also has a thigh cuff for a super-size person’s arm. I also learned how to take blood pressures in areas when the cuff is too small for the upper arm – and teach that to student midwives, nurses and doctors everywhere!

When interviewing practitioners, I make sure they are comfortable with fat clients. I use the word “fat,” so they quit startling when they hear the word.

A Fat Midwife

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A wonderful former client & present beloved friend.

I am the rare homebirth midwife who takes “obese” clients and doesn’t automatically see them as high risk, sick, Gestationally Diabetic, or an automatic transfer to have a cesarean. I see women as they are and will work with them where they are. We have to address food and food issues – just like I do with every single pregnant woman – it just feels deeper with a fat woman because of how harsh it is in our society. But, being a fat woman myself, I have to believe I can make it somewhat softer, somewhat gentler than it could be with someone who has permi-glazed skinny eyes.

After-Musings

Today, I am a fat, joy-filled, life-filled, spiritually speed-growing woman. I am not perfect. My writing doesn’t adequately say what I want to say all the time. If you want to get to know all of me, come spend time with me… a lifetime with me… and even then, I suspect you won’t know a fraction of who I am.am still learning who I am. Every day, I see new facets of my Self, places where I think, “Ha! I didn’t know you were there!”

These conversations have allowed me to get thoughts out that have wanted to be written for years. I thank you women for the prodding to move forward. You still might disagree with me and my choices, but your disagreements can’t change them. They are made. I will still have had WLS. I will still have taken Phen-Fen. I will still take Topamax. However, I am listening to you all to be more careful to speak more personally and watch my language when I speak of “some women,” – and I ask that you also have a moment of patience with my prose.

I might still make you a fat angry woman, but I’ll keep writing if you’ll keep reading. I promise to keep listening.

Fat angry woman? Probably not so much anymore.

Fat, incredible, alive, powerful, amazing woman?

You betcha.

Fat Girl Stories: The Sybian

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I went to a Sex Party recently and one of the guys brought a Sybian for anyone who wanted to use it.

Sybian.

Sounds so… benign, doesn’t it?

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It even looks pretty harmless… with the exception of the erect plastic piece there in the pic.

I’m here to tell you it is, most assuredly, not benign. It is the most delicious, marvelous and preternatural machine I’ve ever encountered.

Settin’ Up

I yanked my black silk pants off and tossed ’em on the bed above the pillow. While I haven’t ever seen anyone on the mechanical toy (even in porn), I’d heard it was a wild ride; I wanted to be ready.

Then a terrifying thought crossed my mind. “What if I am too fat for it?” I asked, several times, if fat people could sit on it safely. He reassured me at least 3 times that I was not the fattest person to ever ride it. (I was still nervous.)

The man who owned it climbed onto the bed with it, saying, “Now, only 50% of people who try it actually enjoy it.” My pussy-friend from earlier loudly says, “I hated the fucking thing!” Now I was worried. 50/50 shot. Crap.

But, as I watched the man squishing on the bed, putting the Sybian in the middle of the mattress, I grew even more concerned than about achieving an orgasm.

“Can’t we put it on the floor?” I asked.

My mind was beginning this whirring inside: You are never going to get on that thing… you are going to fall off and fall off the side of the bed and end up in the hospital.

He said in a sure voice, “Oh, no! This is the best place. Your knees hurt when you’re on the floor. I use it on the bed all the time.”

I was dubious.

The nice man patted the bed, inviting me up while he took a life-like dildo and inserted it onto the top of the Sybian.

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He slid a condom over it and said, “You’re good to go!” (I felt like I was an astronaut waiting for lift-off.)

Fat & Squishy

I got up on the bed (luckily it wasn’t as tall as the 4-poster bed in the other room) and crawled over to the Sybian on my knees.

Where I stayed.

Pondering.

My head tilted from side to side as I tried to figure out how the holy fuck I was going to climb onto this thing and get the dick inside my cunt. My knees had pretty much sunk into the mattress, so I was even lower than if I was 100 pounds lighter.

There were a dozen or so folks watching as I struggled to come up with a workable plan to get on, get fucked and go for a ride.

A man next to the bed suggested putting pillows on either side of the machine and that seemed like trying at least; it would raise me higher. People grabbed pillows and piled them next to the Sybian. I put one knee on one side… the pillows slid and squished down.

Fuck me. (I was getting frustrated and embarrassed because I was taking so bloody long and monopolizing a bed.)

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I remained unable to find a solution. (The pillows were not it.)

Solid & Hard

The pillow-suggestion man said, “Maybe we should put it on the floor?” “Yeah!” several people said. I rolled my eyes and mumbled under my breath, “I already said that.” (As usual, a man has to say something before it’s heard. Ugh.)

So the entire production team moved the Sybian, readjusting the cord, putting the pillows back in their proper place on the bed… and hungry fuckers jumping where my knees had just been, laying down and gettin’ into it.

I tried not to be frustrated and embarrassed, still facing the Mounting of the Sybian. I needed to keep my composure.

I knelt down and already felt enormous relief at the stability of the floor. “Your knees are going to hurt,” the man repeated. I looked at him and said, “Hon, I go to Glory Holes. My knees will be just fine.” People laughed.

(Why Do I Always Need Help?)

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God, here I was again, needing to hike my leg up and over. Sometimes I feel so fucking fat it’s annoying. It’s these simple things people can do that present a challenge and remind me of my size.

Someone handed me a bottle of coconut oil to lube myself and I squirted it on my right hand, then smooshing it into my cunt, some on the inside, too. They handed me a towel to dry my hand.

Then it was time.

I took a deep breath and went up as high as I could on my knees and tried to go over the top, but knew there was no way in hell the dildo was going to find its way in at this bizarre angle. I wanted to cry.

The Sybian man gently said, “Let me help.”

In retrospect, it was only me who was frustrated with my predicament. None of those around me exhibited any impatience whatsoever. No one sighed. No one left the room, bored. As I remember this, I am so grateful for everyone’s kindness in helping me do this incredibly shocking (to me) hurdle. It has soothed my fat Self remembering.

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Artist, Elisabeth Alden

One man held my waist to balance me while the Sybian man helped lift my leg higher so I could not only get on the machine, but high enough to insert the dildo. It went fast, but seemed to take forever. He hovered me over the right place and said, “Go ahead and sit.” I was still scared the cock would be in the wrong place, but I was straddling the fucking thing, might as well see where it went.

Finally!

In slid the plastic phallus. I hollered, “Yes!” and the room laughed with me.

There’s this thing that happens when you’re really fat. You think you’re going to break everything you sit on. Perhaps we’ve already broken a chair (yes, more than once) or a toilet seat (yes)… couldn’t fit in a tight seat and ripped our dress or pants (yes, several times). Really couldn’t fit in a tight seat (Cirque du Soleil theater here in Orlando) and had to sit on a (way too flimsy) folding chair in the handicapped section. I wince getting into elevators, even alone, thinking I will weigh so much I will make it plunge into the earth below. It is far worse when there are others in there. I can see their calculators going in their heads, adding up the number of people’s weights and then, terrifyingly, guessing mine. It is horrifying when the elevator shifts slightly whenever I get on. Skinny people swear to me it does that to them, too, sometimes. I think they lie to make me feel better.

So, even though I was on the Sybian, I hovered, cock in my vagina, staying slightly lifted onto my knees. It was completely subconscious. The Sybian man gently touched my naked bottom and said softly, “Go ahead and sit.” I did, very slowly, waiting for the enormous metal box to crumble under my weight. It did not.

Control. What Control?!?

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Good lord was I stressed by this point. The guy asks if I am ready and, in the rush of getting on, I barely got acclimated before he turned the machine on.

I sat analyzing what was going on inside me. The cock was rotating. I blinked and asked, “Is that it?” He laughed and said it was not… not by a long shot. I asked if we could turn that rotation shit off; it was less than pleasant. I asked what it was supposed to be doing and someone said, “Hitting your G-Spot!” I laughed and said my G-Spot is further up and back under my pubic bone and it would take a lot more than a spinning dildo to hit it.

I said, “Next!” and the Sybian man did some maneuvering with the controls, turning off the rotating cock and then turning on some fucking delicious vibrations. Ohhhh, yeah. This was much more like it!

“More!”

I don’t know what he did, but suddenly I was riding a jackhammer and screamed, “TURN IT DOWN!” Fuck that hurt.

I asked if we couldn’t raise the vibrations a tad slower this time and he said that would be no problem.

Starting low on the vibration scale, I closed my eyes, feeling the luscious reverberations from inner thighs, up to above my clit. That dildo, boring with rotation, became a lightning rod of rapturous sensation with the vibrations.

Holy crap was it nice.

“More,” I directed. The vibe “volume” went up some. “More.” Up a little more. (We were getting close.) “A little more, please?”

The Sweet Spot

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Every single one of those expletives/exclamations and a dozen more in two languages flew out of my mouth like bats out of a cave when the dial hit that sweet spot.

I closed my eyes and quickly “fell” into an absolutely self-absorbed space (that tends to happen when masturbating, but that’s not usually in front of a dozen people). The vibrations swirled around and inside my genitals. I rocked on the machine, pressing my clit on it in a pumping rhythm, feeling the pressure of the cock inside me, knowing the orgasm was seconds away if I didn’t slow it down some. Press, release. Press, release.

Fuuuucccckkkk, this was amazing.

I heard someone on the bed next to (and above) me cumming over and over. It was my pussy-friend from dinner. Her hand dangled off the bed and I reached over and grabbed it. We locked eyes for a moment and then both fell back into our individual ecstasy.

I heard her near-screams, so much more than even joyful hollerin’… pure pleasure soaring through the room. I smiled, knowing my friend was having some big fun, too.

Then it dawned on me that it was my voice I was hearing making those siren songs.

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I heard someone say, “God, everyone’s in here watching these two!” I peeked for a second and was shocked to see how many were stuffed into the room… easily 30-35 people… many of the men stroking as they observed our pleasure. I slammed my eyes shut again and slipped back to being nothing but a clitoris/cunt experiencing rolling orgasms.

Orgasms aren’t the easiest for me to experience, often needing some intense Hitachi action. The Sybian surpassed the Magic Wand 100-fold.

Just as one orgasm subsided, another was beginning to replace it.

Over and over, quaking spasms pulled me like ocean waves: the trough… moving to ripples… then swells… soaring to the crest… then breaking as I fell over the top, heading back to the resting-trough.

I had become the undulating sets.

Wave

Satiation

I have no idea how long I was on the Sybian… never dawned on me to look or ask. But, there came a point where I hit the orgasm wall and screamed (really loud): GET ME OFF THIS THING! The room erupted in laughter and my Sybian controller turned off the entire mechanism, moving to help me disembark. Pillows appeared out of nowhere, being laid under my head and someone gently laid me on my side.

It took some minutes to consciously slow my breathing; my cunt was still dancing. Apparently she needed to chill, too. I could not believe how awesome I felt. That thing was amazing. Really, quite exquisite.

Interestingly, once I did settle down onto it, I never gave another thought to my size. I am so glad I was able to let go of all that bullshit fat-hating socialization I still struggle with… and just Be…

…One with my Orgasm.

Fat Girl Stories: Sex Parties

 (My) Kids, this means YOU!

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I love sex. A lot. I have gone to Sex Parties and Play Parties (where there is not always sex) since Gerald introduced me to the BDSM Scene in 1995. Zack and I went to some, including a couple of Dungeons when we ended up on the news because people were sneaking video. We were poly as well, having another lover for a couple of years once. Now that I am single again, there is a renewed sense of delight in my sexuality.

(An aside: I identify as a femme Dyke even when I suck cock or eat cum… or even get fucked by a penis. Don’t even dare ask, “But, aren’t you bisexual?” The answer is a rabid, “NO!” I see dicks as toys to play with… a sort of living dildo, if you will. I know, a head game I play with myself. But I can do that. It’s my mind to fuck with.)

Fat Shame

And then there is that fat shame I have carried (a fucking heavy load of it) my entire life. I wax and wane with self-confidence, no rhyme or reason ever seeming clear why things ebb and flow.

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Sex in public has been, alternately, emotionally fantastic or excruciating… rarely middle of the road.

I’ve been to a few Sex Parties since returning home to Orlando 2+ years ago. The first couple of them, I struggled with participating, being much more of a voyeur than exhibitionist. I’d find myself sitting (naked) on the couch, yacking with the men and women who were taking a breather. I’d wished I had a blanket with which to cover myself.

It’s important to know that the majority of the 40-50 people at parties are “overweight.” The average age is around 50 (if I had to guess), so bodies look lived in and well-used. I’ve always been the fattest there, but no one did (or said) anything specifically to make me feel bad. I just did.

The party I went to recently was the polar opposite of that nervous voyeur on the couch.

Turning the Corner (again)

So, I’m in love with this wonderful man (my fawn)… younger than my youngest child (who is 30)… and on the Internet, to boot. But I am alive with passion and sexual desire and as the Play Party date came up, I jumped at the opportunity to play. And suck. And fuck. And lick.

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For whatever reason, that night, I just felt completely slutty… and flew with it. I made out with a woman at dinner, promising to eat her pussy as soon as things got under way.

When it was time to “dress down” (get into sexy lingerie or nude), I took my top off, but had my black silk pants on as I wandered around. The woman from dinner grabbed my hand and we were off to find a space, landing on the 4-poster bed, she on the bed, me on the floor leaning over.

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Fuck, I feasted. It had been so so so long since I’d had my face in a cunt.

Moving On

After several minutes, a man whose wife, also on the bed, though blindfolded, tapped my shoulder and said his wife had never been kissed by a woman… would I be interested in remedying that? I asked, “Which lips?” He laughed and said, “Either one!”

I went up and kissed my dinner-friend and moved over to the other side of the bed.

The woman was being fucked and her husband nudged the guy aside and said thanks, but he had someone for her now. It’s completely normal to shift folks around like that, body parts being shared for minutes and then moving on to the next body part.

(And yes, I know… that does sound like I am reducing a person to their outer sexual organs… even objectifying or fetishizing them… but we are at a Sex Party and genital sex is [almost] the entire purpose. It’s an unwritten consent to be seen for one’s dick or cunt.)

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Artist: Claire Chapman

Fat Accommodations

The blindfolded woman had her head at the top of the bed. I walked around and leaned over, licking her lips with my tongue, pushing it through, finding her tongue and kissing her deeply. It was delicious that she had no idea who was kissing her. After a few moments, I was eager to take care of that lesbian virginity.

Because she was up near the top of the bed, her cunt was in the middle. I stood there, strategizing how to get onto this extremely tall bed. I hiked one leg up and didn’t get anywhere near the top of the mattress. I tried leaning on it and pulling my leg up again. Nope. Now I was kind of embarrassed because I couldn’t get my (fat) ass (yes, that was exactly what was in my head) up to eat this chick’s pussy.

Her husband saw my distress and inability to climb up and, as kind and non-judgmental as possible, said, “Here, let me help,” and grabbed his wife by the ankles and yanked her down to the bottom of the bed. I laughed, thanked him while hugging him, and then leaned over, reaching her cunt easily. I felt so good that no one made fun of me for not being able to get on the bed. She got some good lovin’ on that pussy of hers.

She came in my mouth.

I was happy.

There’s more to this specific Sex Party and I’ll start working on the next piece now.

Hint: Fat Girl Stories: Riding the Sybian

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