Anal Sex Tutorial

On one of my Facebook groups, the topic of anal sex came up, questions about how to initiate and actually do it brought great responses from others and since I have a LOT of experience with anal sex, I thought I would share, too. It got to be wayyyyy too long as a FB post, so decided a blog post was a better idea.

Therefore, here is a pretty stream-of-conscious explanation about having anal sex for the first time (in particular), but even those of us with a lot of experience can always learn more, right? If you see something I’ve forgotten, please don’t hesitate to let me know so I can amend this tutorial.

anal vary

How I Learned

When I was 17-21 years old, I lived with a steady stream of gay men, up to 8 at one time, often in one room… no bedrooms. I recall watching beds-full and then rooms-full of men having all sorts of gay sex. Resting on my side, head on my hand, elbow on my bed against the wall, I studied what the guys were doing. I did eventually ask for instructions and they graciously taught me, step-by-step, how to give oral sex and receive anal sex. I’ve had the opportunity to practice both skills many, many times over the decades and from what I have heard, I’ve been a very good student. Now, I share with you!

Inclusivity/Intersectionality

intersectional-identities1

While I am very fat, white, have physical disabilities, am a multiply neurodivergent Latinx, polyamorously kinky, sometimes-dyke, it’s important to me to be as inclusive in my language and purpose as possible. When I say “cock,” I mean penis, dildo, fingers… whatever you consider a dick. As I write, I “see” all genders & sexualities, as well as an endless variety of bodies… -abled and differently so, with and without specific genitalia, very very thin to super-gorgeously fat (like me!). Even so, I will make mistakes and take missteps… I apologize in advance. I’d love to know where I went sideways if you have a moment to leave a comment.

A plea to artists & photographers

It took me way too freakin’ long to find appropriate drawings and photos of different races, abilities and sizes… never mind not finding any trans drawings at all. I found one drawing of a woman of size. That’s just wrong! If you are an artist or photographer, I beg of you, when you create sex pieces, to please draw & photograph people, not just the standard-sized white man and woman… and fuck that woman-is-always-receptive crap, too.

pegging
A multi-racial, male-as-receptive-partner (“Pegging“) illustration. A fantastic image!

Words & Euphemisms

Being in the Adult Industry, I know and use a wide variety of sexually-charged words. As I embark on this Anal Sex Tutorial, I know verbiage can be welcoming or, if not heard positively, show someone to the exit. However, I cannot possibly know if your proper word for anus is butt hole, asshole, rosebud, pucker, hole, rear door, bunghole or any number of other euphemisms that exist in English or the other languages you might speak. If I use a word that makes you wince, please replace that word with your own personal favorite and do that throughout the piece.

Taboo

anal legal

We all surely know that talking about anything dealing with the anus, including defecating, is pretty much not allowed in our culture. When we talk about it in a sexual context, people and religions nearly lose their minds. Anal sex even has its own legal term: Sodomy. (“Sodomy” includes anal and oral sex.) Sodomy laws weren’t abolished completely in the United States until 2003. TWO-THOUSAND-THREE! 

rainbow SC
Lawrence V. Texas (2003)

So, if just saying the words surrounding anal sex is frowned upon (understatement), actually touching and penetrating the anus can cause intense reactions of disgust and revulsion. Please know this is so normal! But, sexually-exploring folks with the same societal pressures as you, have crossed into eroticizing anal sex and, with some re-training and re-focusing your mental habits, you can, too!

tumblr_oo7jg5Ko2t1tq5z8wo1_500

purple_divider

Onward, Ho!

Lubricant: The first, last and middle word with anal sex is: LUBE! You can never use too much lube when doing anal sex. Butt holes don’t self-lubricate like a vagina or mouth, so we need to lube the back end like mad. There are a variety of types, so if you are using gloves, condoms or toys, be sure to choose the correct lube for your needs.

(At the end, I will explain the “cleaning out”/enema process. Assume at the moment, your prep has already been done.)

Gloves (Condoms in a moment): Many, many people use gloves… for the obvious cleanliness reason and to cover fingernails that might scrape the colon. Remember to note if you or your partner are latex-sensitive so you can buy non-latex gloves. If you do not use gloves, please make sure your nails are short and do not have hangnails that can scratch your partner’s insides.

nitrile
Non-Latex glove… using one on each hand? Not a bad idea.

Safe Words: For everyone, a “Safe Word” is really good, but especially if you are remotely nervous about playing with your arse. The most common Safe Words I have seen are Green for “keep going,” Yellow for “please slow down” and Red for “stop right now.” Be sure to clarify that Red means “stop moving,” and not “PULL OUT FAST.” Sometimes we just need to breathe for a moment before continuing when we call Red. Red might very well signal the end of the session, so the person inside the anus needs to pull out very slowly. Never hesitate to use your Safe Words and there should never be shame for calling an end to the session.

Traffic-Light-Signals
The “Red” Safeword for my play right now: Rochambeau!

Triggers: You and your partner can discuss private/personal boundaries as well. Anyone with a sexual abuse history might be triggered with anal play… and not always just the first time, either. Be aware of what you are feeling and use your Safe Words if you feel weird mentally/emotionally at any time. There is NEVER any shame for stopping sex… at any time… for any reason.

Aftercare: If the receptive partner calls their Safe Word for pain’s sake or because they were triggered, Aftercare is incredibly important. Aftercare is different for each person. Some need to be held, whereas others need to not be touched at all. Learning each person’s Aftercare needs is typically trial and error. Honor the process and the triggered person’s needs… not your own until they are taken care of. But yes, both may surely need processing after the session.

aftercare8

purple_divider

Anal Toys & Training

F is for FLANGE: For many, the first line of anal training is using toys. An enormous variety exists, from very small/thin to incredibly oh-my-fucking-god huge. Just like the main word in anal play is “Lube,” the code word for putting any toy in your butt is FLANGE. Emergency Rooms don’t even bat an eye when someone comes in with a dildo/vegetable/fruit/dog toy/space ranger stuck inside, but it can be really embarrassing for you. Please, please use toys designed for anal play and leave the MacGyver toys to others.

flange
The Flange

Good Vibrations: I do not work for Good Vibes nor make one cent from recommending them. I just adore that they are so people-oriented, including education for the wide variety of bodies and sexualities. Their customer service is amazing. You can call them and they are glad to help you figure out your needs and then allowing you to decide on your own without the upselling crap a lot of other places are wont to do. Their toys can be fairly expensive, but they last for years, even with lots of play. Take a peek at their Anal Toys & Lube and see what they have to offer.

strapon
Strap-ons are awesome for all genders.

Anal Beads: are a place many folks start (most aren’t like bead beads), then move to gradually larger toys. The toys can be fairly thin, can be graduated in size, can vibrate and some are made just for men. Look around and see which ones resonate for you. Good Vibes has beginner kits that offer some guidance.

14BA12-2
Anal Beads

Butt Plugs: are meant to be put in and left in, either during sex or as prep for the night’s fun. Some people put it in when they come home from work… and some put one in when they are heading in to work. They can be worn for no longer than 8 hours (like tampons) at a time. It is kinky as all get out to walk around at work or sit on your office chair squirming all day.

14BA04-3
Butt Plugs

Plugs have even gotten fashionable with jewels and everything.

jewelplugs

The jewel is the flange!

Anal Dildos: are yummy!

analdildo
Anal Dildos

Especially when they vibrate!

analsafevibes
Vibrating Anal Dildo (the black bullet vibe is inserted into the bottom)

purple_divider

Setting Up

Protect Your Area! Keeping your play area protected helps with clean-up, especially since you’re using 10-gobs of lubricant. Lay down disposable underpads, beach towels, a tarp/shower curtain… whatever you think will be a great lube-catcher. Anal sex is not something to do without floor, carpet or especially, mattress protection. If you strive for a small landfill impact, you might choose wet washcloths and hand towels to wipe your hands with during the sex session. I, on the other hand, am horribly wasteful and choose to use baby wipes and paper towels… not real ecological, but much easier to clean-up.

baby wipes

Condoms: In my experience, most folks choose to use condoms when having anal sex. Even with dildos. There’s the safety factor (STIs etc.), but they are also for cleanliness and ease of clean up if you have a cismale orgasm inside your rectum. Condoms can also be a concrete reminder to not put the penis or dildo into the vagina after leaving the anus. Instead, pull the condom off, wash your hands and toys in soapy water, rinsing, then you are welcome to continue with vaginal play. If you use condoms with oral or vaginal sex, change your condom after anal play.

alg-pile-o-condoms-jpg

Un-Sexy Health Note!

It really is crucial to never go from the anus to the vagina.  As I said above, body parts and toys once in the anus canNOT go into the vagina or mouth without a thorough soap and water cleansing. I cannot stress that enough. If you rim the anus (analingus), do not lick from bottom up to the vagina. If rimming is going to be done, start “high”… the mouth, the clit, the vagina, the perineum, then the rectum. Never the other way around. Also, you should consider having dedicated anal play toys. Even cleaned really well, there’s always a chance of harboring some bacteria the butt hides inside.

vulvahair
From top to bottom.

purple_divider

Touching

S L O W: Start slow. Penetrating the bunghole is rarely the first item on the menu. Lots of touching, kissing, nipple & genital play helps relax all involved. For some folks, having at least one orgasm before attempting anal sex makes things easier as well.

Fingering: As one moves toward the rosebud, lubed fingers can feel delicious when the pad of the finger is slid over the hole, back and forth, gently… then in circles around the hole, not touching it directly… moving inward as a nautilus. Kissing when the finger is nudging closer helps the relaxing tremendously.

Slipping In: As the first finger begins to slide in, it needs to go really slow. A bit, then a bit more… it can take more than 5 minutes to slip a finger in to the first knuckle. Slow is fine. However, if you want more, faster, do not hesitate to state your need and/or desire.

jrr

Enter the Cock: As with the finger, once the dick or toy is set for rear entry, slow and easy, please. Gentle, slow, touching, caressing, sweet words of encouragement (from both parties) all help to create a positive experience. Inching in, bit by bit, then once all the way in… not moving while the receptive partner acclimates to the fullness. At any time, if the receptive person needs to stop and breathe, do not hesitate to tell your play partner.

2 men USE

Wahhhhh! The first 2-5 times one has anal sex, the first 5-20 minutes is “the worst part” (quote from dozens of folks). It can be really uncomfortable and not orgasmically pleasant during the early part of the session. Breathing helps the process… hurting less and hurting for less time. I promise, the time does eventually arrive that the entry is a fantastic experience.

NOTE, HOWEVER! If it hurts a LOT, stop. Tearing can happen inside and that isn’t so good. As well, if there is any blood, stop immediately. If it continues, get help right away.

No wahhhhh? If you do not have discomfort at all, that is awesome! There’s not one thing wrong with you. Each person’s body is elastic in different places. Yours might be in the anus. Lucky you! No passing any judgment on ones anus size, okay? We critique enough of ourselves.

anal buzz
Masturbating with your hand or a vibrator can be an awesome relaxation technique when learning to have anal sex with your partner.

Get It ON: This is the part when you two have your anal fun! I will step out for awhile.

assbbw4

purple_divider

After-Play: If your cismale partner orgasms inside you without a condom, be sure to head to the toilet toot sweet when you are finished, with a towel between your legs, because the semen can soften any stool inside and gooshy wet can drip out. If you’ve done a prep, it won’t be as dramatic.

Washing Up: Be sure everything involved in your play gets washed well with soap and water. Taking a shower, perhaps together, bringing your toys with you is an easy way to get everyone/everything risk-free for play next time. Wash towels and sheets and anything else that got soiled in hot water with bleach if possible. (White linens are good for any sex play, in my opinion, specifically for the clean-up aspects.)

006

purple_divider

After-Sex Processing

Como siempre, it is always good and can be really important to touch base with each other about how the experience was for each of you. This can be part of the Aftercare or it can be something you two think about for awhile, then meet back up later to talk about. Even with a wonderful, passionate, uninhibited anal sex session, the re-emergence of the societal constraints of anal taboos is really common. I often encourage folks to email each other if they find speaking aloud is challenging. But try not to just ignore the experience, even if it wasn’t as pleasant for you as for your partner. See if adjustments can be made before scrapping the idea altogether.

aftercareblack

purple_divider

Enema Preparation for Anal Sex

Enemas are your friend when getting ready for anal sex. Planning ahead for anal sex encourages an atmosphere of anticipation, but it also removes the spontaneity some find erotic. You do what works for you.

I encourage using one of the smaller sized enema kits you find in regular pharmacies, twice. Others choose to use a larger bucket, soapsuds enema because it really cleans one’s colon out well. You can buy the bucket enema online or medical supply stores.

Follow the directions that come with the enemas and you’ll be fine.

I have lots of experience giving and having enemas so I offer these 3 pieces of advice.

  1. Lay towels (or, even better, disposable pads) under you while inserting and holding the enema before dashing to the toilet
  2. Turn onto your left side as much as possible
  3. Hold the fluid as long as possible… then a few moments longer

Try to do the enemas about 60 minutes before anal play begins. That gives the body time to expel the liquid. Using baby wipes to clean yourself, or better yet, a nice shower, before sex, will make sure you are fresh as a daisy for your partner.

purple_divider

Conclusion

Whew! I had no idea I could talk so much about anal sex! I hope you’ve made it down this far with me.

I know there was a lot of technical… and even political… information, but I do want to encourage you to, most of all, have BIG fun while exploring with each other. Anal sex is a wondrous experience of trust and intimacy… even if it is merely for the length of the session.

Again, enjoy yourself!

Thanks for hanging in there and again, do let me know if I need to add or change something to be more inclusive and respectful.

Now, off with you!

And bend over, baby.

tumblr_or8yg4KAy01un4fmto1_500

My Wall-E-esque Life: Part 1

“Fat Acceptance” has been a catch-phrase for at least 40 of the years I have been alive. In 2 parts, I share my experiences and lessons learnt being a part of the…

Fat Acceptance Movement.

purple_divider

I’ve been fat ever since I got my tonsils out when I was 7-years old.

Fat kid, teen, adult and now a “mature” adult.

2-hommage

Trials (and Errors)

I’ve done dozens of diets, been prescribed Black Beauties & other speed (starting at age 8), belonged to many gyms, taken Phen-Fen (with success, but with heart valve damage), tried Topamax (fail), used Wellbutrin (fail), had a Roux en Y Gastric Bypass (with fabulous success, then epic failure), done hypnosis & acupuncture (fail & fail), become a daily Mindfulness Meditation fanatic (fail for weight loss/huge win for pain relief), have tried to have anorexia, then bulimia, hand-written hundreds of thousands of journal pages, letting them “hold” my pain, shame, revulsion, self-hate, wishes, fears, hopes &, eventually, resolution with my size.

I remain in resolution.

I will never diet or take diet drugs again. Ever.

edgeofcliff

Time & Money

Thinking about the masses of time and money I’ve spent trying to lose weight makes my head spin.

Time

  • Going to the gym
  • Writing out menus
  • Researching rules and techniques for success
  • Real life or online support group meetings, including social networks talking about losing/gaining weight
  • Shopping slower to read labels and make sure food is “appropriate”
  • Learning new cooking methods
  • Fighting with family about the change in foods in the fridge and cupboards
Sapphire4723
artist: Sapphire4723

Money

  • Gym membership
  • New cookbooks
  • Membership fees & apps
  • Tools for success (exercise equipment, pedometer, walking/running shoes, gym clothes, etc.)
  • Tossing all the “bad” food in the garbage
  • Buying all the “good” food
  • Probably eventually buying more “bad” food for my family because they whined so much about foisting my diet on them
  • $28,000 cash for RNY gastric bypass (GB)

Can I include the time and money (including the taxpayer’s) for the years of therapy discussing and crying about all of this?

money drain

Positive?

I was a Fat Activist in the mid-late 80’s, mostly in the lesbian community. I’ve written about being fat-positive for almost 3 decades.

In the beginning, when I was in my 20’s and early 30’s, I was healthy… labs were fine, no diabetes, my joints or feet didn’t hurt. I crowed (bragged, was arrogant) about how it was the fat-hating that made fat people sick and die, not the fat itself.

venn

purple_divider

Reality

diet fatter

Now, at 56-years old, I see how delusional I was. I am well on the road to dying before most people in my family did, and they all had diabetes, too. My future resides in my memories of my Cuban relatives & the diabetes complications they endured before dying. Heart attacks, going blind, having toes, then feet cut off, eventually dying in a coma because the body just gave up.

I see it coming as if it was a roaring train heading right for me.

Litany of Pain

pain--

Here are my fat-related illnesses and issues:

  • Type 2 Diabetes (diagnosed at 34 years old), now on 2 insulins and metformin
  • I heal terribly because of the diabetes, often needing antibiotics for residual infections
  • Stage 3 Kidney Disease from the diabetes
  • Pain with every step I take
  • Osteoporosis and arthritis in my feet, which have broken 3 times just from walking for exercise, and one foot breaking while swimming
  • Broke one foot falling off the Wii Fit Board trying to exercise… needed 3 surgeries to repair
  • Arthritis in my lower back, was on opioids for 8+ years for the back pain, becoming incredibly addicted, finally getting clean 3 years ago (yay me!) Now I use Mindfulness Meditation for pain relief, though many times I wish for some Norco.
  • It took me years to find surgeons I felt safe with to get my 4 hernias repaired (one surgery) and then my gallbladder out (a separate surgery, with 3 hospital visits afterwards because of infection)… several turning me away because of my enormous belly size (blessedly, I found the docs and those issues are resolved)
  • Bone loss from possibly 2 main sources: lack of exercise & the GB
  • Walking with a walker, but should be in an electric wheelchair, my feet hurting so badly
  • Using an electric wheelchair when I shop

Nautilus

swirl purple

My world has gradually become smaller and smaller. After 32 years in birth work (where I hurt daily as well), I am now a sedentary Phone Sex Operator. I live in a small space and leave the house only for doctor appointments, physical therapy, shopping and seeing my doggies at mom’s house.

Writing that makes me sad.

purple_divider

Part 2 On Its Way

In Part 2 of My Wall-E-esque Life, I will talk about the place the Fat Advocacy Movement does have in our lives. While it might not be health (despite the incessant refrain that it does), it is most assuredly have an enormous place in our physical and emotional world.

More soon!

The Tarnishing of Trump

I have this vision of the Oval Office having “FUCK FUCK SHIT FUCK”s bouncing off the walls like molecules pinging in boiling water.

It is not uncommon for that now-golden-hued room to hear expletives, but I’m betting that as the days unroll with the word “Russia” in each sentence, the “Shit, fuck, damn’s” have been accelerating and getting progressively louder. (And amusing side note: When searching “trump White House expletives,” the suggestions at the bottom of the page all had Bannon’s name in them. Hilarious… and expected.)

45 anger

For 100 days, I cried and wrung my hands in terror that someone in the White House would accidentally (or on purpose) hit The Red Button and our world would be annihilated.

nuke button

During those first 100 days, with every stroke of the president’s pen that removed women and children’s rights, that signed away our natural resources so the rich could get richer, that created enormous doses of xenophobia, Islamophobia, racism, ordering the confiscation and deportation of people struggling to stay alive and on and on and on… and with every bizarre cabinet appointment, my heart broke and despair settled in.

donald-fucking-trump.jpg

I was directed by my doctors to stop watching the news because all it did was submerge me deeper into depression. I was joined by millions of others who had the new PTSD diagnosis called President Trump Stress Disorder, our nation’s leader now holding the distinction of being the first president to have an anxiety disorder named after him.

ptsd1

Will Durst says in President Trump Stress Disorder (Baxter Bulletin):

An epidemic is sweeping the nation, causing sufferers to experience feelings of hopeless doom, certain annihilation and cataclysmic collapse. It’s an existential plague manifesting itself by enveloping the stricken in a black cloud of despairing suicidal thoughts. The malady that is striking down innocent citizens left and lefter is … the Presidency of Donald J. Trump. It is literally making people sick.

>100 Days

But now, with the variety of Russian headlines intertwined with you all in that Oval Office, I am glued to the TV, the real news, (what you call the “fake news,”) and I sit on the edge of my seat waiting for the next delicious morsel of information.

And I am no longer depressed.

It is no longer Opposite Day in America.

opposite

Instead of my being unable to sleep, now it is your turn to toss and turn all night, worrying about your futures. I, on the other hand, am finally able to sleep soundly.

And every morning since Day 100, I wake up smiling again.

social-media-case-study-awesomestuffwedo-by-gozoop-15-638

Smatterings

Unfinished Writings

I have several posts pending, but cannot seem to finish any one of them.

  • My Wall-E-esque Life: “Fat Positivity” Fails

wall-e8

  • Pain: A Cruel Mistress

embracepain

  • Gallbladder GONE!
  • Acceptance Into Anthology

dandelion2

Other Crap

I’m also having olfactory hallucinations again and would like to write about that, too. And then there’s 45 and his bullshit trips abroad.

I’m struggling with work, losing client after client because I am so sick I’m unable to be signed in for them to call me.

Wahhhhh!

But I felt I owed my few readers at least some update about why I have not been around. Really, really, working hard on getting at least something done and posted.

Please stay tuned!

struggle

My Explanation of Mindfulness Meditation

 

As written for my cublet:

Andrea Blasich
sculptor, Andrea Blasich

My beautiful cub, as you read through this and the articles I’ve shared, one of the most important things is to breathe and let go of any stress/tension you feel building because of the instructions. You do not… WILL not… be doing everything at once, so allowing yourself grace for the learning and ongoing practice (the Be-ing) of Mindfulness is really good for your spirit. Even I work at Mindfulness. Even Buddhist Monks practice (the act of learning a new skill) Mindfulness. There is no “end” to show you have completed the task for the rest of your life, no test at some tangible end. It is an ongoing experience like breathing. Seeing it as the waves in the ocean can help a lot… they come and go, unbidden, but in a rhythm that does not cease.

So it is with Mindfulness.

There are several avenues to Mindfulness. It seems each teacher has a different way of explaining how to do it. What ends up happening is we take bits and pieces from the ones that resonate, creating our own unique style. If one person’s description makes no sense, look at the next and see if that adds to your own need for information.

The Path to Mindfulness…

…is Meditation.

There is no Mindfulness without Meditation,

nor is there Meditation without Mindfulness.

Islam-and-Yoga2

Even as I said there is no end goal, there are pieces that are required (and that word can be stressful, but you will see in a moment it does not need to be). I could have put any number of these pieces together in another order, but it makes no difference as I explain because they super-impose themselves onto each other. So, in no particular order:

The “Goal” of Meditation (the Definition of Mindfulness)

The purpose of a (Stillness) Meditation session, one path into Mindfulness, is to empty one’s mind, bringing your thoughts directly to your breathing. Sounds like such a simple concept, but takes a lifetime of practice that never ends (like the ocean’s waves).

It is this attention to breath that we do in our private Meditation sessions, that we also do when we are walking down the street, when someone annoys the crap out of us, when we are scared or anxious or angry. Or when we are changing a diaper, showering ourselves or sitting and reading a book.

While it can seem like its own activity at first, taking a lot of concentration while ignoring the actual life activity at hand, it quickly becomes a soft hum in the background of our waking lives.

Even doing it (as we learn) for a very short time gives immense relief from difficulties going on around us. It brings us back to “our Center”; that which is Divine in us all. For you, that might be Allah.

Mindfulness-Meditation-Successfully-Treats-Anxiety-Study

Note: As you read, you will see there are a variety of types of Meditation. Typically, new folks concentrate on Mindfulness Meditation and Stillness Meditation… mostly those two combined. There is another you might find helpful that I love, and that is Guided Meditation. When I struggle with doing a solo practice, Guided Meditation often helps me to let go of the pain. There are an endless supply of Free Guided Meditations both in regular Google searches or on YouTube, Amazon Music, in Amazon Prime (tv) and Netflix. Do not think too hard on the other kinds of Meditation at the moment, just the 3 I mentioned above.

Non-Judgment

9473f2263fa7babd7db62fba48670010

Non-Judgment is a main cornerstone of Mindfulness. Being in a high stress profession, I am sure you have a certain definition in your mind about what non-judgment entails. With Meditation, it takes on a broader meaning.

As you Meditate (which I will elaborate on in a moment), you’ll find your head filled with thoughts. THIS IS NORMAL! We all have our heads just stuffed full of thoughts, feelings and plans. Do not ever ever ever berate yourself for having random thoughts floating through your mind as you learn, try and practice meditation. We all have them! Forever. There is never a time thoughts are not flowing through our heads. Not even for the most practiced of Monks, ALL of us have this experience when Meditating.

Especially in the beginning, people can get very frustrated with this phenomenon, this “intrusion” of thoughts, disturbing our practice of Meditation.

1160

The opposite, however, is true; without the thoughts, one would not have the Meditation to practice. Recognizing them is exactly what is supposed to happen! The moment you recognize a stray thought, that is the exact moment you have become Mindful. It might only last that second, but you have, for that fleeting moment, been Mindful. So beautiful!

When you recognize the random thought in your mind, instead of seeing them as annoying or terribly distracting, it serves us much more to… see the thought/feeling… say hello to it… even hold it for a moment if you need to… and then set it free to float away once again. I see the thoughts as clouds or soap bubbles floating around, some coming closer, others stay far away. As they come into my direct attention, those are the ones I admire, then release, returning to my breath.

You will, as all of us have, sometimes spend your entire Meditation session in thought. Thinking, planning, saying, “When is this over!?” to yourself. I encourage just shaking your head and laughing about how intrusive your thoughts have been and try again in a awhile.

It is the ebb and flow of thoughts, their presentation, your recognition, then their release, moving back to breath, that is the very definition of Mindfulness Meditation.

Time to Practice

Srinagar: Muslim students participate in Yoga Day celebrations at Bakshi Stadium in Srinagar, on June 21, 2015. (Photo: IANS)
Muslim Students in Srinagar

You will read in most places that your Meditation should be at least 20 minutes long. 20 minutes can seem extremely daunting at first, so just shoot for 2-3 minutes and gradually, at your own pace, work your way up to 20 minutes. It could take a year to get there. Who cares!? This is your walk, no one else’s.

At least once each day, you will set aside a minimum of 10 minutes, even if you are only doing 3 minutes, setting the scene in your body and mind walks you towards the actual breathing. Those minutes are without the tv on, without answering your phone and hoping you have no one knocking at the door. If there are interruptions you have no control over, just start again when you can. No judgment, no getting angry at the interruption or person who knocked. A gentle thought of love towards them moves your practice forward.

Making time for Meditation can seem daunting at first, but if you are able to recognize the ritual as a great few minutes of Self-Love, you will soon grow to welcome the time apart from your harried life.

Timing Your Session

bowl

I’ve found several wonderful free apps for Meditation Timers. Most are bells, chimes or gongs, but there are some with music as well. Googling “Meditation Timers” brings up many choices. I have one on my computer and one on my phone.

An amusing, pretty universal, action seems to happen, especially as we are learning our way around these practices. We all seem to be intensely curious about 1) how long we have been doing the Mindfulness (thereby dragging us right out of it!) and 2) how much more time we have before we are finished. Time either flies or is interminably long. While non-judgment is important, do your best to recognize the urge to open your eyes to see the time as one of those stray and passing thoughts. This does get easier with time.

I found removing my watch and turning the clock around helpful at first, depending only on the timer. Otherwise I was half inside and half with one eye on the clock. Not so peaceful.

Where Are the Benefits Already?

In the beginning, many, many, if not most, of us find great resistance to practicing Meditation. We often look for any distraction we can find to avoid it. THIS IS ABSOLUTELY NORMAL and, I believe, a required part of the process.

corporate green break - zen middle age male professional practicing yoga on a wooden bridge in the middle of an asian-like green pond for company wellbeing,back view with park foreground
Suhba Fellowship In Istanbul, Turkey

Recognizing the resistance, chuckling to yourself, then doing the Meditation, is an enormous success and one to be very proud of. Each time you cross this hurdle, you remove some of the future struggle towards practicing.

Just like there is no end to practicing, no end to the intrusion of thoughts, so too is there no delineation between practicing and Mindfulness having an effect on your behavior and life. The first time you sit quietly, breathing, you have already created a monumental shift in your Universe. There may be moments of recognition (“Oh! I breathed instead of wanting to throw a book at the wall!”), but more often, the effects are subtle and cumulative. One day, you will realize things have shifted and you will probably think, “Wow! When did that happen?”

It happened when you sat quietly that first day. It’s happening this very second as you read through what I have written!

Onward Ho!

ep227_emily_fletcher

I will share a couple of articles about HOW to actually do the breathing and practice Meditation. Those are the technical parts. I wanted to share with you my own learning curve specifically so you could see what the possibilities were, but mostly, that this is an amorphous experience and to not expect any concrete outcome. Ah, but those things along with monumental changes in your life.

Does this make sense? I would be shocked if any of it did!

I love you so very much. Have fun with your new activity, your new thoughts, your changes in behavior and allow utter confusion to wash over you at times. It is absolutely normal… you are absolutely normal… well, actually, I think you are absolutely amazing!

If you ever have questions or want to share your thoughts or experiences, feel free to talk or write to me.

I love you!

Articles

New to Mindfulness? How to Get Started

Mindfulness Meditation Successfully Treats Anxiety: Study – by The Muslim Post – January 25, 2017

Yoga in Islam : A Form of Ibaadat (Prayer)

How to Meditate: for Beginnersthis is a wonderful step-by-step explanation/guide to the actual practice of Meditation

Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction: What it Is, How it Helps (MBSR is the 8-week class [I went for 12 weeks] I attended in San Diego to learn how to relieve pain and cope with the midwifery crisis in my life.) For those who cannot attend the course, the book A Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Workbook is brilliant.

The Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction FREE Online Course

Videos

There are hundreds of demonstrative and how-to videos on YouTube. Any Google search of “Mindfulness Meditation,” “MBSR,” or “Guided Meditation” will bring up a zillion for you.

meditation

Oddities & Ongoings

Oddities & Ongoings

I am nearly immobilized by the events happening right now. 45 is trying to kill us all. Just because he is at the end of his life and has a good bunker to hide in doesn’t mean the rest of us should have to die for his ego. I have horrible thoughts I wish I could purge, but they come unbidden sometimes. That man is evil. Just pure evil.

(And people felt this way about Obama?!? He never came close to killing us, much less in the first 3 months of office.)

Kinky Exam Room

chair
Is this an exam “table” or what?!

Work is slow for me which is frustrating considering I am still in the hole from the manic donations to Syria relief. I have been writing some really good pieces for my work blog, but one of my best, about Medical Fetishes, was pulled because I used forbidden words (pee, shit, toilet, bathroom). Sheesh, I just wrote about peeing in a cup at the doctor’s office! But work is very PG13 and even though it wasn’t golden showers related, it was yanked. Now I am lost about how to continue the series.

I want to write just basic: This is the exam table with stirrups, This is how an enema works, This is the speculum, This is the gown, This is the syringe… you get the gist. All regular normal things that loads of folks fetishize. Having been a midwife for so long… and being twisted… I am able to make each of those topics highly sexualized and fetishized.

Only twice as a care provider did I think anything sexual about women in my charge. One was Zack when he was pregnant and laboring; we became lovers soon after. Then there was another woman I had a sexually visceral reaction with (she felt it, too) and I removed myself from her direct care and became her doula. We never acted on the feelings, but they were most certainly there.

Feminist Porn

vibrs

Life with my cub is delicious and fun. He is amazing… is having some psych issues, but I’ve been able to nudge him into therapy and that will, I know, help lots. It has to be an enormous challenge being Muslim and kinky. And that’s just the off-work life!

Things between him and me, however, are in a self-sustaining/maintaining place. Just a delight being with him, talking to him, having sex with him. So so much fun! And I just realized, because he told his therapist, that I am TWICE HIS AGE! Fuck, I am old. We’ve been together for almost 18 months and I just figured this out?! (Where have I been?!)

tumblr_onkv5fnJfa1tb8godo1_500

I don’t think I told you, but I found a Feminist Porn site! We’d been looking for one for quite a while because standard porn is a big ol’ yawn to me. Fake fake fake and just weird what with the girls wearing stilettos to bed and tromping around the pool in heels and giving the stupidest blow-jobs ever.

Googling “Feminist Porn” brings up several for-pay sites and someday, I hope to be able to use them, but Syria has the bulk of my money at the moment so finding a free Feminist Porn site was quite the coup!

BellesaAugustAd

Bellesa (https://bellesa.co/ – NOT .com) has culled free porn from several free sites, including PornHub which is one of the largest regular porn sites out there, but have screened the videos before bringing them to Bellesa. Even so, some of the screened ones don’t make my cut.

I cannot abide by women faking pleasure. They squeak like mice and no matter what position they are in, they act like they are having a clitoral blast. Can you see me rolling my eyes? I’ve been screening the videos before my cub and I watch together (today I had him screen) and any squallering garners a thumbs down from me. (I keep a Word Document with the names of the videos I like and don’t like, besides the Star rating system on Bellesa.)

I will not watch a video if anyone has bruises that are not explained in the scene. I love kinky bruises as much as anyone else, but unexplained ones, especially if they look like they were made by hurting someone without their permission, squicks me.

I am not 100% sure, but would probably not watch one that had the girls in shoes on the bed. That is just so fake and ridiculous. Fuck, you’ll rip the sheets!

Hamilton

hamilton

I am still obsessed with Hamilton: An American Musical. I listen to the music 15+ hours a day sometimes. I love the Hamilton Mixtape, too, but right now am on a continuous loop of the original cast album. If you’ve not yet discovered the music, do yourself an enormous favor and immerse your Self, too.

Because of the musical, my cub and I read the original book, Hamilton, by Ron Chernow. It was amazing, too. After we finished that, we read Washington: A Life, also by Chernow. I actually loved Washington even more than Hamilton. I had no idea George Washington was as incredible as he was. Chernow brought him to life.

washington

I loved American History in junior high school, considered being a History teacher at one time, but then just lost interest over the years. Hamilton has reopened the passion I once had for American History! While I think Chernow is a fantastic researcher, his other books don’t really interest me. So, my cub and I have moved on to Lincoln, jumping right into the center of it all with Lincoln: Team of Rivals. We’ll be starting it later this week.

team-of-rivals

Okay, time to sign off of here. My cub and I have a date to watch the 3 porn videos he found for us to watch together. Woo hoo!

I do have to laugh a little at his saying how much more discerning he is with porn now, which is amusing because he’s watched it for about 18 years now. Hey, if I can convert a regular porn user to feminist porn, my day is complete!

My News Blackout

Today was a really difficult day.

Broken-Heart-broken-hearts-20527370-400-400

So much crap in the news… you can look for yourself if you want to… but I have to quit watching and reading the news lest I end up in the Psych Hospital. I knew I was watching/reading a little bit more each day, but today I watched the clock, too, and stopped counting at 6 hours. Of news.

My hallucinations have gotten really bad, they are almost constant. And I have felt increasingly depressed. In fact, for a few days, I have wondered if I should take myself to the hospital because of the suicidal ideation that’s been flashing through my mind… way too often.

I know it is all a direct result of the pain of watching what is happening here in the United States, in the Americas, in the world.

I wish I could do something.

Right now, my something to do is save my own life.

I closed my Facebook tonight (it is always on my desktop), took everything political off my Tumblr page (including unsubbing from anything political) and am putting myself on a News Blackout.

Effective an hour ago.

media-blackout