Bipolar Diary: Manic Spending

I’m pretty upset as I write this. I’ve known I spent money during the Mania… enough that I am in quite a hole I cannot seem to climb out of… but I did not know how much.

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I could have gone and looked at my bank statement when I realized the money was gone so I knew where it went, but I was sticking my head in the sand, ashamed of what I had done… too embarrassed to even disclose it to myself.

But I found a pile of Blu-Ray DVDs 3 days ago; all 6 seasons of Northern Exposure and Season 1 of St. Elsewhere. I’m enjoying Northern Exposure (am on Season 5 now), it being one of my fave shows of all time, but I cannot help wishing I had the $400 back instead.

Today, I decided to be brave… and humble… and go look at the accounting of my spending during the Mania. It isn’t pretty. I didn’t have lots of new things in my small space, so was baffled what I could have spent the money on.

Apparently, I was benevolent.

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Not needing to share the organizations I picked… I’ll just say I chose ones who were either in Syria or were attending to Syrian Refugees. 3 different ones.

1  of them twice.

Trying to put the pieces together, I looked here in the blog and, as the Mania was ascending, I had written about my utter horror and distress about the Middle East. Clearly, it affected me deeply considering the amount of money I donated very soon after writing those posts. There is no way I could say, “I wish I had the money back,” but I still wince seeing how much I sent out.

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I’ve been trying to figure out a way to not have that happen again. As far as I know, I didn’t tell a soul I had done it. If I had, maybe someone could have questioned me? I have zero recollection of spending anything during that time. I don’t have a real life lover or anyone to watch over my finances (which Zack used to do). I don’t have credit cards, but spent everything I had plus more I had in the bank, so can’t even cut up cards to try and save myself from me.

I’m lost. Maybe someone will have some good ideas for not having that happen again?

Syria: UN Aid Trucks Bombed

Disclaimer: I am not a war reporter and am culling information from a variety of sources, mostly American, all in English. If I am sharing incorrect information and you have better or more accurate sources, please let me know. I am trying to learn more as this horror continues unfolding.

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My Heart is Breaking (Massive Understatement)

I can barely breathe as I write this. But it has to come out, even if there are a million tears on the keyboard and Kleenex surrounding the computer.

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I am horrified beyond belief… beyond even words… about the bombing of the convoy carrying food, aid and medical supplies to Aleppo… which has been isolated by attacks/bombs/struggles between so many factions of governments and military organizations I cannot even remotely keep up with it all.

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The exact convoy attacked as they prepared to deliver aid to Aleppo.

The Syrian Red Crescent was escorting the convoy.

The graphic footage in SkyNews shows the enormity of the attacks on the convoy.

Another convoy, destined for Homs, Syria, was also attacked, their medical supplies being taken (stolen) first, then they were bombed.

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Homs, Syria

Helpless & Angry

I am lost as to what to do with this pain in my heart. I sat sobbing, rocking myself, wailing and streaming incoherent words to my fawn over the phone. He helped me catch my breath by breathing with me. But what does that do to help the world?

And then our black lives… do they matter to ANYONE?!

Unarmed and compliant Terence Crutcher killed on September 16, 2016

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Terence Crutcher

13-year old Tyre King killed on September 14, 2016

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Tyre King

I can only write out some of the pain. It is the only thing I can do at the moment.

I am so very lost.