Anal Sex Tutorial

On one of my Facebook groups, the topic of anal sex came up, questions about how to initiate and actually do it brought great responses from others and since I have a LOT of experience with anal sex, I thought I would share, too. It got to be wayyyyy too long as a FB post, so decided a blog post was a better idea.

Therefore, here is a pretty stream-of-conscious explanation about having anal sex for the first time (in particular), but even those of us with a lot of experience can always learn more, right? If you see something I’ve forgotten, please don’t hesitate to let me know so I can amend this tutorial.

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How I Learned

When I was 17-21 years old, I lived with a steady stream of gay men, up to 8 at one time, often in one room… no bedrooms. I recall watching beds-full and then rooms-full of men having all sorts of gay sex. Resting on my side, head on my hand, elbow on my bed against the wall, I studied what the guys were doing. I did eventually ask for instructions and they graciously taught me, step-by-step, how to give oral sex and receive anal sex. I’ve had the opportunity to practice both skills many, many times over the decades and from what I have heard, I’ve been a very good student. Now, I share with you!

Inclusivity/Intersectionality

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While I am very fat, white, have physical disabilities, am a multiply neurodivergent Latinx, polyamorously kinky, sometimes-dyke, it’s important to me to be as inclusive in my language and purpose as possible. When I say “cock,” I mean penis, dildo, fingers… whatever you consider a dick. As I write, I “see” all genders & sexualities, as well as an endless variety of bodies… -abled and differently so, with and without specific genitalia, very very thin to super-gorgeously fat (like me!). Even so, I will make mistakes and take missteps… I apologize in advance. I’d love to know where I went sideways if you have a moment to leave a comment.

A plea to artists & photographers

It took me way too freakin’ long to find appropriate drawings and photos of different races, abilities and sizes… never mind not finding any trans drawings at all. I found one drawing of a woman of size. That’s just wrong! If you are an artist or photographer, I beg of you, when you create sex pieces, to please draw & photograph people, not just the standard-sized white man and woman… and fuck that woman-is-always-receptive crap, too.

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A multi-racial, male-as-receptive-partner (“Pegging“) illustration. A fantastic image!

Words & Euphemisms

Being in the Adult Industry, I know and use a wide variety of sexually-charged words. As I embark on this Anal Sex Tutorial, I know verbiage can be welcoming or, if not heard positively, show someone to the exit. However, I cannot possibly know if your proper word for anus is butt hole, asshole, rosebud, pucker, hole, rear door, bunghole or any number of other euphemisms that exist in English or the other languages you might speak. If I use a word that makes you wince, please replace that word with your own personal favorite and do that throughout the piece.

Taboo

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We all surely know that talking about anything dealing with the anus, including defecating, is pretty much not allowed in our culture. When we talk about it in a sexual context, people and religions nearly lose their minds. Anal sex even has its own legal term: Sodomy. (“Sodomy” includes anal and oral sex.) Sodomy laws weren’t abolished completely in the United States until 2003. TWO-THOUSAND-THREE! 

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Lawrence V. Texas (2003)

So, if just saying the words surrounding anal sex is frowned upon (understatement), actually touching and penetrating the anus can cause intense reactions of disgust and revulsion. Please know this is so normal! But, sexually-exploring folks with the same societal pressures as you, have crossed into eroticizing anal sex and, with some re-training and re-focusing your mental habits, you can, too!

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Onward, Ho!

Lubricant: The first, last and middle word with anal sex is: LUBE! You can never use too much lube when doing anal sex. Butt holes don’t self-lubricate like a vagina or mouth, so we need to lube the back end like mad. There are a variety of types, so if you are using gloves, condoms or toys, be sure to choose the correct lube for your needs.

(At the end, I will explain the “cleaning out”/enema process. Assume at the moment, your prep has already been done.)

Gloves (Condoms in a moment): Many, many people use gloves… for the obvious cleanliness reason and to cover fingernails that might scrape the colon. Remember to note if you or your partner are latex-sensitive so you can buy non-latex gloves. If you do not use gloves, please make sure your nails are short and do not have hangnails that can scratch your partner’s insides.

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Non-Latex glove… using one on each hand? Not a bad idea.

Safe Words: For everyone, a “Safe Word” is really good, but especially if you are remotely nervous about playing with your arse. The most common Safe Words I have seen are Green for “keep going,” Yellow for “please slow down” and Red for “stop right now.” Be sure to clarify that Red means “stop moving,” and not “PULL OUT FAST.” Sometimes we just need to breathe for a moment before continuing when we call Red. Red might very well signal the end of the session, so the person inside the anus needs to pull out very slowly. Never hesitate to use your Safe Words and there should never be shame for calling an end to the session.

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The “Red” Safeword for my play right now: Rochambeau!

Triggers: You and your partner can discuss private/personal boundaries as well. Anyone with a sexual abuse history might be triggered with anal play… and not always just the first time, either. Be aware of what you are feeling and use your Safe Words if you feel weird mentally/emotionally at any time. There is NEVER any shame for stopping sex… at any time… for any reason.

Aftercare: If the receptive partner calls their Safe Word for pain’s sake or because they were triggered, Aftercare is incredibly important. Aftercare is different for each person. Some need to be held, whereas others need to not be touched at all. Learning each person’s Aftercare needs is typically trial and error. Honor the process and the triggered person’s needs… not your own until they are taken care of. But yes, both may surely need processing after the session.

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Anal Toys & Training

F is for FLANGE: For many, the first line of anal training is using toys. An enormous variety exists, from very small/thin to incredibly oh-my-fucking-god huge. Just like the main word in anal play is “Lube,” the code word for putting any toy in your butt is FLANGE. Emergency Rooms don’t even bat an eye when someone comes in with a dildo/vegetable/fruit/dog toy/space ranger stuck inside, but it can be really embarrassing for you. Please, please use toys designed for anal play and leave the MacGyver toys to others.

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The Flange

Good Vibrations: I do not work for Good Vibes nor make one cent from recommending them. I just adore that they are so people-oriented, including education for the wide variety of bodies and sexualities. Their customer service is amazing. You can call them and they are glad to help you figure out your needs and then allowing you to decide on your own without the upselling crap a lot of other places are wont to do. Their toys can be fairly expensive, but they last for years, even with lots of play. Take a peek at their Anal Toys & Lube and see what they have to offer.

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Strap-ons are awesome for all genders.

Anal Beads: are a place many folks start (most aren’t like bead beads), then move to gradually larger toys. The toys can be fairly thin, can be graduated in size, can vibrate and some are made just for men. Look around and see which ones resonate for you. Good Vibes has beginner kits that offer some guidance.

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Anal Beads

Butt Plugs: are meant to be put in and left in, either during sex or as prep for the night’s fun. Some people put it in when they come home from work… and some put one in when they are heading in to work. They can be worn for no longer than 8 hours (like tampons) at a time. It is kinky as all get out to walk around at work or sit on your office chair squirming all day.

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Butt Plugs

Plugs have even gotten fashionable with jewels and everything.

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The jewel is the flange!

Anal Dildos: are yummy!

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Anal Dildos

Especially when they vibrate!

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Vibrating Anal Dildo (the black bullet vibe is inserted into the bottom)

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Setting Up

Protect Your Area! Keeping your play area protected helps with clean-up, especially since you’re using 10-gobs of lubricant. Lay down disposable underpads, beach towels, a tarp/shower curtain… whatever you think will be a great lube-catcher. Anal sex is not something to do without floor, carpet or especially, mattress protection. If you strive for a small landfill impact, you might choose wet washcloths and hand towels to wipe your hands with during the sex session. I, on the other hand, am horribly wasteful and choose to use baby wipes and paper towels… not real ecological, but much easier to clean-up.

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Condoms: In my experience, most folks choose to use condoms when having anal sex. Even with dildos. There’s the safety factor (STIs etc.), but they are also for cleanliness and ease of clean up if you have a cismale orgasm inside your rectum. Condoms can also be a concrete reminder to not put the penis or dildo into the vagina after leaving the anus. Instead, pull the condom off, wash your hands and toys in soapy water, rinsing, then you are welcome to continue with vaginal play. If you use condoms with oral or vaginal sex, change your condom after anal play.

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Un-Sexy Health Note!

It really is crucial to never go from the anus to the vagina.  As I said above, body parts and toys once in the anus canNOT go into the vagina or mouth without a thorough soap and water cleansing. I cannot stress that enough. If you rim the anus (analingus), do not lick from bottom up to the vagina. If rimming is going to be done, start “high”… the mouth, the clit, the vagina, the perineum, then the rectum. Never the other way around. Also, you should consider having dedicated anal play toys. Even cleaned really well, there’s always a chance of harboring some bacteria the butt hides inside.

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From top to bottom.

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Touching

S L O W: Start slow. Penetrating the bunghole is rarely the first item on the menu. Lots of touching, kissing, nipple & genital play helps relax all involved. For some folks, having at least one orgasm before attempting anal sex makes things easier as well.

Fingering: As one moves toward the rosebud, lubed fingers can feel delicious when the pad of the finger is slid over the hole, back and forth, gently… then in circles around the hole, not touching it directly… moving inward as a nautilus. Kissing when the finger is nudging closer helps the relaxing tremendously.

Slipping In: As the first finger begins to slide in, it needs to go really slow. A bit, then a bit more… it can take more than 5 minutes to slip a finger in to the first knuckle. Slow is fine. However, if you want more, faster, do not hesitate to state your need and/or desire.

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Enter the Cock: As with the finger, once the dick or toy is set for rear entry, slow and easy, please. Gentle, slow, touching, caressing, sweet words of encouragement (from both parties) all help to create a positive experience. Inching in, bit by bit, then once all the way in… not moving while the receptive partner acclimates to the fullness. At any time, if the receptive person needs to stop and breathe, do not hesitate to tell your play partner.

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Wahhhhh! The first 2-5 times one has anal sex, the first 5-20 minutes is “the worst part” (quote from dozens of folks). It can be really uncomfortable and not orgasmically pleasant during the early part of the session. Breathing helps the process… hurting less and hurting for less time. I promise, the time does eventually arrive that the entry is a fantastic experience.

NOTE, HOWEVER! If it hurts a LOT, stop. Tearing can happen inside and that isn’t so good. As well, if there is any blood, stop immediately. If it continues, get help right away.

No wahhhhh? If you do not have discomfort at all, that is awesome! There’s not one thing wrong with you. Each person’s body is elastic in different places. Yours might be in the anus. Lucky you! No passing any judgment on ones anus size, okay? We critique enough of ourselves.

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Masturbating with your hand or a vibrator can be an awesome relaxation technique when learning to have anal sex with your partner.

Get It ON: This is the part when you two have your anal fun! I will step out for awhile.

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After-Play: If your cismale partner orgasms inside you without a condom, be sure to head to the toilet toot sweet when you are finished, with a towel between your legs, because the semen can soften any stool inside and gooshy wet can drip out. If you’ve done a prep, it won’t be as dramatic.

Washing Up: Be sure everything involved in your play gets washed well with soap and water. Taking a shower, perhaps together, bringing your toys with you is an easy way to get everyone/everything risk-free for play next time. Wash towels and sheets and anything else that got soiled in hot water with bleach if possible. (White linens are good for any sex play, in my opinion, specifically for the clean-up aspects.)

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After-Sex Processing

Como siempre, it is always good and can be really important to touch base with each other about how the experience was for each of you. This can be part of the Aftercare or it can be something you two think about for awhile, then meet back up later to talk about. Even with a wonderful, passionate, uninhibited anal sex session, the re-emergence of the societal constraints of anal taboos is really common. I often encourage folks to email each other if they find speaking aloud is challenging. But try not to just ignore the experience, even if it wasn’t as pleasant for you as for your partner. See if adjustments can be made before scrapping the idea altogether.

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Enema Preparation for Anal Sex

Enemas are your friend when getting ready for anal sex. Planning ahead for anal sex encourages an atmosphere of anticipation, but it also removes the spontaneity some find erotic. You do what works for you.

I encourage using one of the smaller sized enema kits you find in regular pharmacies, twice. Others choose to use a larger bucket, soapsuds enema because it really cleans one’s colon out well. You can buy the bucket enema online or medical supply stores.

Follow the directions that come with the enemas and you’ll be fine.

I have lots of experience giving and having enemas so I offer these 3 pieces of advice.

  1. Lay towels (or, even better, disposable pads) under you while inserting and holding the enema before dashing to the toilet
  2. Turn onto your left side as much as possible
  3. Hold the fluid as long as possible… then a few moments longer

Try to do the enemas about 60 minutes before anal play begins. That gives the body time to expel the liquid. Using baby wipes to clean yourself, or better yet, a nice shower, before sex, will make sure you are fresh as a daisy for your partner.

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Conclusion

Whew! I had no idea I could talk so much about anal sex! I hope you’ve made it down this far with me.

I know there was a lot of technical… and even political… information, but I do want to encourage you to, most of all, have BIG fun while exploring with each other. Anal sex is a wondrous experience of trust and intimacy… even if it is merely for the length of the session.

Again, enjoy yourself!

Thanks for hanging in there and again, do let me know if I need to add or change something to be more inclusive and respectful.

Now, off with you!

And bend over, baby.

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My Wall-E-esque Life: Part 1

“Fat Acceptance” has been a catch-phrase for at least 40 of the years I have been alive. In 2 parts, I share my experiences and lessons learnt being a part of the…

Fat Acceptance Movement.

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I’ve been fat ever since I got my tonsils out when I was 7-years old.

Fat kid, teen, adult and now a “mature” adult.

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Trials (and Errors)

I’ve done dozens of diets, been prescribed Black Beauties & other speed (starting at age 8), belonged to many gyms, taken Phen-Fen (with success, but with heart valve damage), tried Topamax (fail), used Wellbutrin (fail), had a Roux en Y Gastric Bypass (with fabulous success, then epic failure), done hypnosis & acupuncture (fail & fail), become a daily Mindfulness Meditation fanatic (fail for weight loss/huge win for pain relief), have tried to have anorexia, then bulimia, hand-written hundreds of thousands of journal pages, letting them “hold” my pain, shame, revulsion, self-hate, wishes, fears, hopes &, eventually, resolution with my size.

I remain in resolution.

I will never diet or take diet drugs again. Ever.

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Time & Money

Thinking about the masses of time and money I’ve spent trying to lose weight makes my head spin.

Time

  • Going to the gym
  • Writing out menus
  • Researching rules and techniques for success
  • Real life or online support group meetings, including social networks talking about losing/gaining weight
  • Shopping slower to read labels and make sure food is “appropriate”
  • Learning new cooking methods
  • Fighting with family about the change in foods in the fridge and cupboards
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artist: Sapphire4723

Money

  • Gym membership
  • New cookbooks
  • Membership fees & apps
  • Tools for success (exercise equipment, pedometer, walking/running shoes, gym clothes, etc.)
  • Tossing all the “bad” food in the garbage
  • Buying all the “good” food
  • Probably eventually buying more “bad” food for my family because they whined so much about foisting my diet on them
  • $28,000 cash for RNY gastric bypass (GB)

Can I include the time and money (including the taxpayer’s) for the years of therapy discussing and crying about all of this?

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Positive?

I was a Fat Activist in the mid-late 80’s, mostly in the lesbian community. I’ve written about being fat-positive for almost 3 decades.

In the beginning, when I was in my 20’s and early 30’s, I was healthy… labs were fine, no diabetes, my joints or feet didn’t hurt. I crowed (bragged, was arrogant) about how it was the fat-hating that made fat people sick and die, not the fat itself.

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Reality

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Now, at 56-years old, I see how delusional I was. I am well on the road to dying before most people in my family did, and they all had diabetes, too. My future resides in my memories of my Cuban relatives & the diabetes complications they endured before dying. Heart attacks, going blind, having toes, then feet cut off, eventually dying in a coma because the body just gave up.

I see it coming as if it was a roaring train heading right for me.

Litany of Pain

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Here are my fat-related illnesses and issues:

  • Type 2 Diabetes (diagnosed at 34 years old), now on 2 insulins and metformin
  • I heal terribly because of the diabetes, often needing antibiotics for residual infections
  • Stage 3 Kidney Disease from the diabetes
  • Pain with every step I take
  • Osteoporosis and arthritis in my feet, which have broken 3 times just from walking for exercise, and one foot breaking while swimming
  • Broke one foot falling off the Wii Fit Board trying to exercise… needed 3 surgeries to repair
  • Arthritis in my lower back, was on opioids for 8+ years for the back pain, becoming incredibly addicted, finally getting clean 3 years ago (yay me!) Now I use Mindfulness Meditation for pain relief, though many times I wish for some Norco.
  • It took me years to find surgeons I felt safe with to get my 4 hernias repaired (one surgery) and then my gallbladder out (a separate surgery, with 3 hospital visits afterwards because of infection)… several turning me away because of my enormous belly size (blessedly, I found the docs and those issues are resolved)
  • Bone loss from possibly 2 main sources: lack of exercise & the GB
  • Walking with a walker, but should be in an electric wheelchair, my feet hurting so badly
  • Using an electric wheelchair when I shop

Nautilus

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My world has gradually become smaller and smaller. After 32 years in birth work (where I hurt daily as well), I am now a sedentary Phone Sex Operator. I live in a small space and leave the house only for doctor appointments, physical therapy, shopping and seeing my doggies at mom’s house.

Writing that makes me sad.

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Part 2 On Its Way

In Part 2 of My Wall-E-esque Life, I will talk about the place the Fat Advocacy Movement does have in our lives. While it might not be health (despite the incessant refrain that it does), it is most assuredly have an enormous place in our physical and emotional world.

More soon!

My News Blackout

Today was a really difficult day.

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So much crap in the news… you can look for yourself if you want to… but I have to quit watching and reading the news lest I end up in the Psych Hospital. I knew I was watching/reading a little bit more each day, but today I watched the clock, too, and stopped counting at 6 hours. Of news.

My hallucinations have gotten really bad, they are almost constant. And I have felt increasingly depressed. In fact, for a few days, I have wondered if I should take myself to the hospital because of the suicidal ideation that’s been flashing through my mind… way too often.

I know it is all a direct result of the pain of watching what is happening here in the United States, in the Americas, in the world.

I wish I could do something.

Right now, my something to do is save my own life.

I closed my Facebook tonight (it is always on my desktop), took everything political off my Tumblr page (including unsubbing from anything political) and am putting myself on a News Blackout.

Effective an hour ago.

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Bipolar Diary: Zero Gravity Hallucinations

I’d thought I’d come to a place of balance. I was still having hallucinations, mostly visual, some auditory and tactile, but those not so often. Even though the hallucinations have continued, I told the Psychiatrist I did not want to take more Risperdal to try and make them go away. The short time I was on the increased amount (double what I am on now), I gained 30 (fucking) pounds in 6 weeks. As soon as we halved it, I stopped eating like an insatiable animal, and have now lost 10 of those 30 pounds. I told him I’d just suck up dealing with the hallucinations.

However, there does come a tipping point between what I can live with and seeing much of my room floating around as if I was in space.

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Balance – dance troupe, Pilobolus

What’s Going On?

I cannot pinpoint why they are getting bigger, more bizarre and more aggressive. My sleep is weird, but I am sleeping. I’m in an inordinate amount of pain, but that isn’t too new… I had my gallbladder removed on February 2 and have had a series of infection complications since. I’ve got other pain, but can usually meditate to work through it. (I have Trazadone if I need help sleeping, but have only taken that a couple of time.)

Visual

A crazy hallucination I had the other day was seeing my pillow breathing. Yes, I know… ridiculous, but I stared at it as it inhaled and exhaled for the entire 5-minutes I watched. I blinked, shook my head, told myself there was no way in hell that was real, yet the pillow kept inflating and deflating, slowly, as if it was breathing. I glance over a lot to see if it’s going for a repeat performance. Nothing so far.

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I have the usual roaches and now some flying bats, but those are pretty yawn-inspiring since they’ve been around so long now. It’s the floating toilet paper roll, the pens, my Blistex lip balm… things that are here in my room, in my real life, just appearing, mid-air… there… and then fleetingly gone again. My food shifts next to me. I “see” music coming out of the speaker. The movements around the room are near-constant. (The book next to me is shuffling the pages as I write this.)

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I try to drive infrequently and only for less than a mile or two because it is frightening to not know if that box flying through the air is an illusion or really fell off that truck up there. I am terrified when I pass bus stops because people are so close to the edge, they slide over into the road sometimes, sliding back just as I get ready to veer away from hitting them. I do everything in my power to never drive during school drop-off or pick-up, the amount of busy-ness in the roads confuse me terribly. Don’t even get me started on mailboxes.

Tactile

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I am tapped periodically. No one is here to tap me. It’s nothing. I feel things crawling on me a lot. My room is clean! There are no bugs to crawl on me. No fleas, no gnats. Nothing. Yet I could swear there was a spider crawling up my leg or on my arm. Even when I am looking right at my skin, seeing with my eyes that it isn’t there, it is there… I just cannot see it is all. (Talk about a mind fuck!)

Auditory

I have these the least at the moment. Just some occasional whispers. Nothing telling me to do anything, I don’t get those kinds. I just get ominous whispers, just out of hearing range… my name whispered a lot.

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Resolution

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artist, Gustav Klimt

Writing all that down, I see I really might need to just up the Risperdal to curb some of this extraneous activity in my brain. I am crying writing this, fearful of gaining more weight. (I gained 80 pounds in 3 months when I started the Risperdal 13 years ago.) I know there are other meds I can try, but I get Tardive Dyskinesia so easily… and have it already from the Wellbutrin… I am so wary of changing from meds I know work.

Fuck, this is confusing sometimes.

Thanks for listening.

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Conflict

My wonderful submissive, my (Muslim) cublet, and I had some conflict this week about stuff going on in Europe (Freedom of the Press, Turkey, Netherlands, etc.) and he was feeling badly about how he responded to the discussion. Very badly. He felt that he’d let his Mistress (me) down.

After we worked things out, he asked me if, when I was a submissive, I ever disappointed Zack (my Dom) over and over and how did I deal with that.

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Endless Failures

I’m not sure where it bubbled up from, certainly from the recesses of my psyche, but I began talking, almost trance-like, about how Zack and I tried new diets every few weeks. It wasn’t a direct order to follow the regimen, but it was implied. I am able to follow the rhythm of these attempts in my Facebook Memories each day and, as I see each new diet, each new pledge to “Stick to this one!”, I wince knowing that I failed. Again. And again. And again.

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I’ve written about how I snuck food, hiding it, eating in the car and throwing away the evidence before I got home… how I still hoard food even though I have no need to whatsoever. Old habits and all.

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1 of about 6 hiding (hoarding) places.

When Zack and I learned about a new diet (always the Famous-Diet-of-the-Moment), it was up to me to research and make menus (which I despised doing). Then I would school Zack, we’d set a date to begin within the next couple of days and, once the sun rose on that date, we were off and running.

I knew as soon as the diet was brought up what was going to happen. Promises of “This Time!” and “I’m going to the gym every day.” Vowing, even to myself, that I would not cheat.

Yet within a few hours of the new diet, my stomach (mind) was rumbling and I needed food. Not healthy salads, which I could eat as much of as I wanted. Not the vegetable soup that I could serve myself every half hour if I desired. But food. Carbs, mostly. Bread. Tortillas. Potatoes. Burgers, fries, candy, cake… that endless list of Forbidden Fruit (yeah, fruit?!)

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I would fly through this entire cycle in about 4 hours.

I became a demon in search of the poison that (never) filled me up. I would sit thinking, “Where can I get money to go buy food? What excuse can I make to get out of the house? Where can I hide the other half of the burger I can’t eat while in the car?” Looking at me, you’d think I was merely watching TV. Inside my head, I was a military officer strategizing the next battle, down to the last marching step. Obsession does not begin to describe the experience.

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I always found food. Even if I had to steal it from my sister-in-law. Or sneak money out of Zack’s wallet to buy it. Or sell something for the few coins I received; candy is pretty cheap.

There it was. I was a failure. Again. A crushing failure, doomed to disappoint Zack. Again.
When he realized what was going on (how he didn’t know within hours is beyond me), usually after the second week’s weigh-in and he’d lost gobs of weight and… lookie there! I’d gained 5 pounds! That he believed in me each time, that he trusted me to tell the truth “this time,” (which is how he didn’t see me cheating – he trusted me) made my failure all the more bitter.

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Clinging Together

So when my cub asked if I’d been a serial disappointment, I don’t think he expected an entire post to fall out of my fingers about it.

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So, he and I met online almost 18 months ago, both of us traversing different worlds, surely never to meet in real life, but here we are, my cublet and I, both sharing those same shame feelings.

Curious. Do you think everyone has them? If we all talked to each other long enough would we all find we had this deep place inside that feels we disappoint the ones we love most?

I know people really well… human nature really well. But I cannot recall others feeling broken the way he and I described to each other.

And how do 2 broken people find each other anyway? Is it a psychic connection that says, “Join and you shall begin to glue each other back together?”

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Does the mere airing of the pain begin the healing? (Provided we are in therapy, of course. I am aware that 2 dysfunctional people will not spontaneously heal the hurt.) This phenomenon really is quite baffling.

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Be-ing With the Pain

I spent several days deep inside, remembering these horrid feelings of shame and disappointment, actually worried I was getting depressed and might need a med change. Instead, I just sat with the feelings. Allowing them to curl around me, reminding me that, even if I don’t remember them, they do still exist and have an effect on my life.

Writing this has been an exercise of sitting with the pain, crying at times, really deeply sad other times and now that the post is winding down, I think I am finally finding some peace.

I hope it lasts.

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artist, calmdownchristina

When Suicide Seems the Right Choice

A woman being sent back to Chile instead of being let into the United States tried to kill herself on Friday at JFK airport in New York City. She was found and Narcan administered, saving her life. She is at a hospital in stable condition.

Airports

Today, folks from the countries that evil man listed, were detained at airports around the world, many sent back from whence they came. Families were separated, some people arbitrarily allowed into the United States while others sent away.

Thankfully, around the country, people came out in droves and protested at major airports.

Lawyers also came out, pro bono, to help folks get into the country, stationing themselves at all the major airports and working, sitting on floors, in fast food restaurants and wherever they could find to help those that needed it so badly. Goddess bless lawyers!

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Immigration Lawyers at LAX.

Then the ACLU initiated the fight against the executive order and “a federal judge granted an emergency stay Saturday to bar deportation of people with valid visas who landed in the U.S., following chaos and detentions after President Donald Trump’s executive order related to immigration from seven Muslim-majority countries.”

Absorbing the Pain

Today is only Day 8 of that evil man’s reign in the US and I already feel immense despair. I do not watch the TV news or even look at video of the news on the computer. I get all my information from Facebook and Tumblr feeds, reading the articles posted there. I am not supposed to listen to the news… my psychiatrist and therapist have both forbidden it because of how it affects me.

As the day wore on, I felt more and more despondent, falling to a very low place about 10pm. I talked to my Muslim lover, each of us sharing our own sadnesses… and then feelings of hope at how things were playing out around the world as the hours passed.

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artist, David Kessler

I’ve had some really horrid thoughts about that man in charge of our country today. I am not a violent person, do not visualize mean things happening to anyone, but out of nowhere, really ghastly thoughts manifested all day long. I tried not to judge my random thoughts, but just allowed them to come and go without holding onto them too desperately. (A Mindfulness skill.)

My Own Despair

What was disconcerting were my own feelings of not being connected to my body, my mind floating around without having much control over it. I wrote “Immigration Ban Horror” trying to get some of the pain out of my body, but the distress actually grew instead of diminished.

I’ve thrown up several times, wanting to purge the awful feelings inside.

When I was talking to my cub (my Muslim love), I confessed I have been having thoughts of such despair I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to make it through the night.

sadbath

My cublet was very loving and gentle with me, reminding me of all the reasons I must stay here on the earth (kids, grandkids, my mama, for him… and to write). Just sharing with him released enough of the pressure, the near-compulsion, that the urge has passed.

(And yes, I know enough to go to the hospital if it gets too bad again.)

What distresses me is I am not even Muslim, a refugee or someone who is being targeted with being kept out of the United States, yet my emotions have been so strong.

I can so relate to the woman from Chile who tried to kill herself on Friday; I understand her desperation intensely.

I need to figure out how to moderate these feelings or else just get off the computer altogether for the next 4 years.

Helplessness

I feel helpless to do anything. The only thing I can do is write and most of what I am writing is news already out there or my responses to the news. I don’t feel like I have anything new to offer, nothing of real substance, just my emotions as I react to it all.

writers1

My cub said my writing has joined the chorus of support for Muslims and disdain for the horrid man in charge, that my voice is important to the message. That was soothing.

Exhausted

Writing has drained me. I am going to go lay down and try and sleep. I have Hamilton on (it’s been on all night) and I’ll probably leave it on… I love it so much!

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

thinking nasty thoughts about that evil person in DC that would make tomorrow better

Bipolar Diary: Triggers

It’s really sucky to just be living your life, tooling along as usual, talking with your lover… and then BAM! have your head smacked with a baseball bat and suddenly being an incoherent, crazy person contradicting yourself and being mean to the last person on earth you want to be mean to.

trigger

I can’t even find the words yet for how embarrassed and ashamed I am for hurting someone I love so much.

I know. triggers are triggers and sometimes cannot be helped because seeing them down the road isn’t possible.

They still suck.

Bad.

weep