Bipolar Diary: Incremental Shift

TWMental

Loving Nudge

After my Bipolar Diary: Depression Deepens post, I had several people tell me to call my psychiatrist immediately. I thought I could white knuckle it for another week, but others saw what I couldn’t. I trust those closest to me and picked up the phone, getting pushed into a non-existent spot in his schedule the next day. Wednesday, August 2, 2017.

Office Visit

The crying had been keeping me from functioning and did not abate while in his office.

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I told him about the suicidal ideation increasing… then added the obligatory, “But I have no plans to hurt myself, am not stockpiling meds and promise to call 911 if I do find myself getting too close.” He replied, “I understand how frightening they (the thoughts) can be, even when you aren’t consciously creating them.” I breathed a sigh of relief that he seemed to understand.

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artist: Soren Dreier

I’ve had at least 8 different psychiatrists in 30 years and this one is one of the top 2. He listens to me, takes my preferences seriously like refusing the Risperdal increase and is infinitely patient with my continued distress.

I really am so blessed to have such a kind (and gifted) doctor. I know that is rare and how privileged I am to be able to receive quality medical and psychiatric care.

I OWE MY AWESOME CARE TO THE ACA/OBAMACARE INSURANCE I HAVE.

I would not be alive without it.

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Medication Change… Again

I continued crying while he pondered, looking at his computer, typing some, then thinking again.

He found a medication I had not tried before… Latuda… which I’ve since read is used specifically for bipolar depression. Yes, yes… it does come with a laundry list of side effects, but I’m ignoring them, listening to my body instead.

I know it takes at least 2 weeks (in my body) to 6 weeks to feel the full effect of psych meds, but when I got home from the appointment, I took my first pill. Then the next morning, I took the second. (It is taken once a day.)

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Whether placebo or really working that fast, I did not cry until late evening the next day. I didn’t cry the next night, either. And the ideation has slowed, the thoughts feeling more “transparent,” fewer hard imaginings. The images had been like mosquito bites, begging to be scratched. (Not sure I explained that clearly… I’m having a terrible time writing this, pardon spelling and grammar errors, please.)

August 6, 2017

I’m feeling better still. The doc told me that if I was feeling too sedated, to drop the Risperdal, which I did on day 3 after starting the Latuda. I’ve been on Risperdal since 1995, so it is a major thought process to not take it before bed. I do feel less sedated (I described it like someone spiked my drink), but there’s a lot more room for not dropping into a slumber at any given moment.

Let me get this out so those who are following along know how I am doing. Thanks for you care and attention, my dear friends. Thank you for your love.

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artist: Zenos Frudakis

Bipolar Diary: Depression Deepens

TWMental

Depression

The last 2 weeks have sucked even worse than when I wrote on July 13, 2017. Tears. Tears. Never-ending tears. The suicidal ideation is coming more often and is more vivid than when I started the Paxil. And the damn hallucinations are back.

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Almost all of my time is in bed, either curled in pain (another post), staring at the ceiling or sleeping. I leave I Love Lucy on in the background. Sometimes Friends. I’m listening to Mists of Avalon (a book I love), but when I listen in bed, I fall right to sleep. I’ve replayed Chapter 6 four times already.

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artist: Edvard Munch

An Odd Sorta Depression

When looking for images about depression lying, I came across several pieces like this one below:

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Not sure if I’m just more familiar with my depression than when I was younger or if it has really shifted, but I do not hear the lies the girl in the image does… nothing negative about my body, how alone I am in the world, how fat/ugly/sick I am. I did when I was younger, but not anymore.

I just feel sad. An overwhelming sadness. A pall of melancholia that separates me from the rest of you. I cannot even touch what I am sad about except for the endless distress I have about our country because of 45. But this joylessness is deeper than the fear-for-our-lives kind. I feel like I’m under the thick glass of my Nana’s cake pedestal, so close to others, but unable to penetrate the barrier of dreariness to make a connection.

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Medication Changes

The psych doc upped the Paxil to 30mg after 2 weeks on 20mg. He said he still might have to increase it when I see him in 2 weeks. For fuck’s sake, can’t this stuff take effect already? I hate this waiting part.

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I have weaned off the Cymbalta. Is that the reason for this huge dip? Who knows anymore. He wanted to increase my Risperdal, but I refused; the eating is out of control with more Risperdal… can’t abide by that.

An aside: I despise the new packaging that seems to be taking over the medication world. I am not stupid, can follow directions, but they are incredibly difficult for me to get into. I’ve asked the Pharmacy to open them for me and then I rip the inner blister pack out, throwing the outer box away. If you haven’t see them, let me introduce you.

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“Follow these 3 simple steps,” it says. Push the blister pack all the way in, then press on the “lock release button” on the left . Finally, pull the sliding pack out at the same time as pushing the spot on the left. I wish it was as easy as they make it sound! It’s almost worse that rubbing my head and patting my belly at the same time.

Suicidal Ideation

I’ve had lots of suicidal thoughts. My cub stayed with me one night when they were especially bad, reminding me every few minutes that Depression is a Liar. Hearing that, knowing it for certain, is what kept (keeps) me going. Hearing that so-and-so loves me doesn’t do much for my mindset because I rationalize that away easily. Depression Lies, however, works wonders.

Depression is a lying bastard

The thoughts of suicide are so enticing. They call to me seductively as if they were sirens on the ocean’s rocks.

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I try to block them out listening to various albums I have memorized. The Eagles, Carly Simon, Sting (Living Sea), and, of course, Hamilton: An American Musical.

I also try to find positive recovery-from-depression-and-suicidal-thoughts articles and posts online. This is one I go back to over and over:

Suicide Prevention: How to Help Someone who is Suicidal and Save a Life

“A suicidal person may not ask for help, but that doesn’t mean that help isn’t wanted. People who take their lives don’t want to die—they just want to stop hurting.”

When I had my first serious clinical depression in my late teens, I didn’t understand the “wanting the pain to stop” aspect and teetered really close to the edge of death.

As I got older and had some decent therapy, I was able to verbalize the inner turmoil and excruciating emotional pain that was drawing me towards dying. Understanding that I didn’t really want to die, but just to stop hurting… a pain that went so deep as to injure my soul… I was able to cling to those brief seconds of “medication will help remove the pain… hang on a little bit longer.”

Medication and therapy have not failed me yet.

Working/Not Working

Work has been nearly impossible the way I feel. I can do one call, then need 2 hours off to regroup. The calls are easy, mostly with regulars, but the energy expenditure exhausts me. Even writing this post has taken 4 days so far. Ugh. I need to be able to work!

Okay, I need to get this out to you all. It is not a cry for help, I promise. I will not hurt myself, have no plans to.  It’s just those random thoughts that flow through my mind… sometimes like heavy cinder blocks and others like wafting vapors. As long as they continue moving on the conveyor belt, I think I’m okay and headed towards healing.

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Thanks for listening

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Always reaching for help.

Bipolar Diary: So, So Depressed

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I can barely function. Writing has become nearly impossible. I see the Psychiatrist tomorrow morning at 8am. I am hanging on tightly until then.

Despite what I write next, I will not hurt myself. I will not vanish into death. I promise.

Visions of suicide float through my mind. Romantic images of dying like Ophelia (trite, I know) wander, unbidden, throughout my day.

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artist: Simmonds

I mentally count my meds, seeing if I have enough to make me fall asleep forever.

Even as I sleep 18 hours a day, unable to work, I am still always exhausted.

Adolph von Menzel
artist: Adolph von Menzel

I cannot wait to get help tomorrow.

Anal Sex Tutorial

On one of my Facebook groups, the topic of anal sex came up, questions about how to initiate and actually do it brought great responses from others and since I have a LOT of experience with anal sex, I thought I would share, too. It got to be wayyyyy too long as a FB post, so decided a blog post was a better idea.

Therefore, here is a pretty stream-of-conscious explanation about having anal sex for the first time (in particular), but even those of us with a lot of experience can always learn more, right? If you see something I’ve forgotten, please don’t hesitate to let me know so I can amend this tutorial.

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How I Learned

When I was 17-21 years old, I lived with a steady stream of gay men, up to 8 at one time, often in one room… no bedrooms. I recall watching beds-full and then rooms-full of men having all sorts of gay sex. Resting on my side, head on my hand, elbow on my bed against the wall, I studied what the guys were doing. I did eventually ask for instructions and they graciously taught me, step-by-step, how to give oral sex and receive anal sex. I’ve had the opportunity to practice both skills many, many times over the decades and from what I have heard, I’ve been a very good student. Now, I share with you!

Inclusivity/Intersectionality

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While I am very fat, white, have physical disabilities, am a multiply neurodivergent Latinx, polyamorously kinky, sometimes-dyke, it’s important to me to be as inclusive in my language and purpose as possible. When I say “cock,” I mean penis, dildo, fingers… whatever you consider a dick. As I write, I “see” all genders & sexualities, as well as an endless variety of bodies… -abled and differently so, with and without specific genitalia, very very thin to super-gorgeously fat (like me!). Even so, I will make mistakes and take missteps… I apologize in advance. I’d love to know where I went sideways if you have a moment to leave a comment.

A plea to artists & photographers

It took me way too freakin’ long to find appropriate drawings and photos of different races, abilities and sizes… never mind not finding any trans drawings at all. I found one drawing of a woman of size. That’s just wrong! If you are an artist or photographer, I beg of you, when you create sex pieces, to please draw & photograph people, not just the standard-sized white man and woman… and fuck that woman-is-always-receptive crap, too.

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A multi-racial, male-as-receptive-partner (“Pegging“) illustration. A fantastic image!

Words & Euphemisms

Being in the Adult Industry, I know and use a wide variety of sexually-charged words. As I embark on this Anal Sex Tutorial, I know verbiage can be welcoming or, if not heard positively, show someone to the exit. However, I cannot possibly know if your proper word for anus is butt hole, asshole, rosebud, pucker, hole, rear door, bunghole or any number of other euphemisms that exist in English or the other languages you might speak. If I use a word that makes you wince, please replace that word with your own personal favorite and do that throughout the piece.

Taboo

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We all surely know that talking about anything dealing with the anus, including defecating, is pretty much not allowed in our culture. When we talk about it in a sexual context, people and religions nearly lose their minds. Anal sex even has its own legal term: Sodomy. (“Sodomy” includes anal and oral sex.) Sodomy laws weren’t abolished completely in the United States until 2003. TWO-THOUSAND-THREE! 

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Lawrence V. Texas (2003)

So, if just saying the words surrounding anal sex is frowned upon (understatement), actually touching and penetrating the anus can cause intense reactions of disgust and revulsion. Please know this is so normal! But, sexually-exploring folks with the same societal pressures as you, have crossed into eroticizing anal sex and, with some re-training and re-focusing your mental habits, you can, too!

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Onward, Ho!

Lubricant: The first, last and middle word with anal sex is: LUBE! You can never use too much lube when doing anal sex. Butt holes don’t self-lubricate like a vagina or mouth, so we need to lube the back end like mad. There are a variety of types, so if you are using gloves, condoms or toys, be sure to choose the correct lube for your needs.

(At the end, I will explain the “cleaning out”/enema process. Assume at the moment, your prep has already been done.)

Gloves (Condoms in a moment): Many, many people use gloves… for the obvious cleanliness reason and to cover fingernails that might scrape the colon. Remember to note if you or your partner are latex-sensitive so you can buy non-latex gloves. If you do not use gloves, please make sure your nails are short and do not have hangnails that can scratch your partner’s insides.

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Non-Latex glove… using one on each hand? Not a bad idea.

Safe Words: For everyone, a “Safe Word” is really good, but especially if you are remotely nervous about playing with your arse. The most common Safe Words I have seen are Green for “keep going,” Yellow for “please slow down” and Red for “stop right now.” Be sure to clarify that Red means “stop moving,” and not “PULL OUT FAST.” Sometimes we just need to breathe for a moment before continuing when we call Red. Red might very well signal the end of the session, so the person inside the anus needs to pull out very slowly. Never hesitate to use your Safe Words and there should never be shame for calling an end to the session.

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The “Red” Safeword for my play right now: Rochambeau!

Triggers: You and your partner can discuss private/personal boundaries as well. Anyone with a sexual abuse history might be triggered with anal play… and not always just the first time, either. Be aware of what you are feeling and use your Safe Words if you feel weird mentally/emotionally at any time. There is NEVER any shame for stopping sex… at any time… for any reason.

Aftercare: If the receptive partner calls their Safe Word for pain’s sake or because they were triggered, Aftercare is incredibly important. Aftercare is different for each person. Some need to be held, whereas others need to not be touched at all. Learning each person’s Aftercare needs is typically trial and error. Honor the process and the triggered person’s needs… not your own until they are taken care of. But yes, both may surely need processing after the session.

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Anal Toys & Training

F is for FLANGE: For many, the first line of anal training is using toys. An enormous variety exists, from very small/thin to incredibly oh-my-fucking-god huge. Just like the main word in anal play is “Lube,” the code word for putting any toy in your butt is FLANGE. Emergency Rooms don’t even bat an eye when someone comes in with a dildo/vegetable/fruit/dog toy/space ranger stuck inside, but it can be really embarrassing for you. Please, please use toys designed for anal play and leave the MacGyver toys to others.

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The Flange

Good Vibrations: I do not work for Good Vibes nor make one cent from recommending them. I just adore that they are so people-oriented, including education for the wide variety of bodies and sexualities. Their customer service is amazing. You can call them and they are glad to help you figure out your needs and then allowing you to decide on your own without the upselling crap a lot of other places are wont to do. Their toys can be fairly expensive, but they last for years, even with lots of play. Take a peek at their Anal Toys & Lube and see what they have to offer.

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Strap-ons are awesome for all genders.

Anal Beads: are a place many folks start (most aren’t like bead beads), then move to gradually larger toys. The toys can be fairly thin, can be graduated in size, can vibrate and some are made just for men. Look around and see which ones resonate for you. Good Vibes has beginner kits that offer some guidance.

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Anal Beads

Butt Plugs: are meant to be put in and left in, either during sex or as prep for the night’s fun. Some people put it in when they come home from work… and some put one in when they are heading in to work. They can be worn for no longer than 8 hours (like tampons) at a time. It is kinky as all get out to walk around at work or sit on your office chair squirming all day.

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Butt Plugs

Plugs have even gotten fashionable with jewels and everything.

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The jewel is the flange!

Anal Dildos: are yummy!

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Anal Dildos

Especially when they vibrate!

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Vibrating Anal Dildo (the black bullet vibe is inserted into the bottom)

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Setting Up

Protect Your Area! Keeping your play area protected helps with clean-up, especially since you’re using 10-gobs of lubricant. Lay down disposable underpads, beach towels, a tarp/shower curtain… whatever you think will be a great lube-catcher. Anal sex is not something to do without floor, carpet or especially, mattress protection. If you strive for a small landfill impact, you might choose wet washcloths and hand towels to wipe your hands with during the sex session. I, on the other hand, am horribly wasteful and choose to use baby wipes and paper towels… not real ecological, but much easier to clean-up.

baby wipes

Condoms: In my experience, most folks choose to use condoms when having anal sex. Even with dildos. There’s the safety factor (STIs etc.), but they are also for cleanliness and ease of clean up if you have a cismale orgasm inside your rectum. Condoms can also be a concrete reminder to not put the penis or dildo into the vagina after leaving the anus. Instead, pull the condom off, wash your hands and toys in soapy water, rinsing, then you are welcome to continue with vaginal play. If you use condoms with oral or vaginal sex, change your condom after anal play.

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Un-Sexy Health Note!

It really is crucial to never go from the anus to the vagina.  As I said above, body parts and toys once in the anus canNOT go into the vagina or mouth without a thorough soap and water cleansing. I cannot stress that enough. If you rim the anus (analingus), do not lick from bottom up to the vagina. If rimming is going to be done, start “high”… the mouth, the clit, the vagina, the perineum, then the rectum. Never the other way around. Also, you should consider having dedicated anal play toys. Even cleaned really well, there’s always a chance of harboring some bacteria the butt hides inside.

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From top to bottom.

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Touching

S L O W: Start slow. Penetrating the bunghole is rarely the first item on the menu. Lots of touching, kissing, nipple & genital play helps relax all involved. For some folks, having at least one orgasm before attempting anal sex makes things easier as well.

Fingering: As one moves toward the rosebud, lubed fingers can feel delicious when the pad of the finger is slid over the hole, back and forth, gently… then in circles around the hole, not touching it directly… moving inward as a nautilus. Kissing when the finger is nudging closer helps the relaxing tremendously.

Slipping In: As the first finger begins to slide in, it needs to go really slow. A bit, then a bit more… it can take more than 5 minutes to slip a finger in to the first knuckle. Slow is fine. However, if you want more, faster, do not hesitate to state your need and/or desire.

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Enter the Cock: As with the finger, once the dick or toy is set for rear entry, slow and easy, please. Gentle, slow, touching, caressing, sweet words of encouragement (from both parties) all help to create a positive experience. Inching in, bit by bit, then once all the way in… not moving while the receptive partner acclimates to the fullness. At any time, if the receptive person needs to stop and breathe, do not hesitate to tell your play partner.

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Wahhhhh! The first 2-5 times one has anal sex, the first 5-20 minutes is “the worst part” (quote from dozens of folks). It can be really uncomfortable and not orgasmically pleasant during the early part of the session. Breathing helps the process… hurting less and hurting for less time. I promise, the time does eventually arrive that the entry is a fantastic experience.

NOTE, HOWEVER! If it hurts a LOT, stop. Tearing can happen inside and that isn’t so good. As well, if there is any blood, stop immediately. If it continues, get help right away.

No wahhhhh? If you do not have discomfort at all, that is awesome! There’s not one thing wrong with you. Each person’s body is elastic in different places. Yours might be in the anus. Lucky you! No passing any judgment on ones anus size, okay? We critique enough of ourselves.

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Masturbating with your hand or a vibrator can be an awesome relaxation technique when learning to have anal sex with your partner.

Get It ON: This is the part when you two have your anal fun! I will step out for awhile.

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After-Play: If your cismale partner orgasms inside you without a condom, be sure to head to the toilet toot sweet when you are finished, with a towel between your legs, because the semen can soften any stool inside and gooshy wet can drip out. If you’ve done a prep, it won’t be as dramatic.

Washing Up: Be sure everything involved in your play gets washed well with soap and water. Taking a shower, perhaps together, bringing your toys with you is an easy way to get everyone/everything risk-free for play next time. Wash towels and sheets and anything else that got soiled in hot water with bleach if possible. (White linens are good for any sex play, in my opinion, specifically for the clean-up aspects.)

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After-Sex Processing

Como siempre, it is always good and can be really important to touch base with each other about how the experience was for each of you. This can be part of the Aftercare or it can be something you two think about for awhile, then meet back up later to talk about. Even with a wonderful, passionate, uninhibited anal sex session, the re-emergence of the societal constraints of anal taboos is really common. I often encourage folks to email each other if they find speaking aloud is challenging. But try not to just ignore the experience, even if it wasn’t as pleasant for you as for your partner. See if adjustments can be made before scrapping the idea altogether.

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Enema Preparation for Anal Sex

Enemas are your friend when getting ready for anal sex. Planning ahead for anal sex encourages an atmosphere of anticipation, but it also removes the spontaneity some find erotic. You do what works for you.

I encourage using one of the smaller sized enema kits you find in regular pharmacies, twice. Others choose to use a larger bucket, soapsuds enema because it really cleans one’s colon out well. You can buy the bucket enema online or medical supply stores.

Follow the directions that come with the enemas and you’ll be fine.

I have lots of experience giving and having enemas so I offer these 3 pieces of advice.

  1. Lay towels (or, even better, disposable pads) under you while inserting and holding the enema before dashing to the toilet
  2. Turn onto your left side as much as possible
  3. Hold the fluid as long as possible… then a few moments longer

Try to do the enemas about 60 minutes before anal play begins. That gives the body time to expel the liquid. Using baby wipes to clean yourself, or better yet, a nice shower, before sex, will make sure you are fresh as a daisy for your partner.

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Conclusion

Whew! I had no idea I could talk so much about anal sex! I hope you’ve made it down this far with me.

I know there was a lot of technical… and even political… information, but I do want to encourage you to, most of all, have BIG fun while exploring with each other. Anal sex is a wondrous experience of trust and intimacy… even if it is merely for the length of the session.

Again, enjoy yourself!

Thanks for hanging in there and again, do let me know if I need to add or change something to be more inclusive and respectful.

Now, off with you!

And bend over, baby.

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My Wall-E-esque Life: Part 1

“Fat Acceptance” has been a catch-phrase for at least 40 of the years I have been alive. In 2 parts, I share my experiences and lessons learnt being a part of the…

Fat Acceptance Movement.

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I’ve been fat ever since I got my tonsils out when I was 7-years old.

Fat kid, teen, adult and now a “mature” adult.

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Trials (and Errors)

I’ve done dozens of diets, been prescribed Black Beauties & other speed (starting at age 8), belonged to many gyms, taken Phen-Fen (with success, but with heart valve damage), tried Topamax (fail), used Wellbutrin (fail), had a Roux en Y Gastric Bypass (with fabulous success, then epic failure), done hypnosis & acupuncture (fail & fail), become a daily Mindfulness Meditation fanatic (fail for weight loss/huge win for pain relief), have tried to have anorexia, then bulimia, hand-written hundreds of thousands of journal pages, letting them “hold” my pain, shame, revulsion, self-hate, wishes, fears, hopes &, eventually, resolution with my size.

I remain in resolution.

I will never diet or take diet drugs again. Ever.

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Time & Money

Thinking about the masses of time and money I’ve spent trying to lose weight makes my head spin.

Time

  • Going to the gym
  • Writing out menus
  • Researching rules and techniques for success
  • Real life or online support group meetings, including social networks talking about losing/gaining weight
  • Shopping slower to read labels and make sure food is “appropriate”
  • Learning new cooking methods
  • Fighting with family about the change in foods in the fridge and cupboards
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artist: Sapphire4723

Money

  • Gym membership
  • New cookbooks
  • Membership fees & apps
  • Tools for success (exercise equipment, pedometer, walking/running shoes, gym clothes, etc.)
  • Tossing all the “bad” food in the garbage
  • Buying all the “good” food
  • Probably eventually buying more “bad” food for my family because they whined so much about foisting my diet on them
  • $28,000 cash for RNY gastric bypass (GB)

Can I include the time and money (including the taxpayer’s) for the years of therapy discussing and crying about all of this?

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Positive?

I was a Fat Activist in the mid-late 80’s, mostly in the lesbian community. I’ve written about being fat-positive for almost 3 decades.

In the beginning, when I was in my 20’s and early 30’s, I was healthy… labs were fine, no diabetes, my joints or feet didn’t hurt. I crowed (bragged, was arrogant) about how it was the fat-hating that made fat people sick and die, not the fat itself.

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Reality

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Now, at 56-years old, I see how delusional I was. I am well on the road to dying before most people in my family did, and they all had diabetes, too. My future resides in my memories of my Cuban relatives & the diabetes complications they endured before dying. Heart attacks, going blind, having toes, then feet cut off, eventually dying in a coma because the body just gave up.

I see it coming as if it was a roaring train heading right for me.

Litany of Pain

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Here are my fat-related illnesses and issues:

  • Type 2 Diabetes (diagnosed at 34 years old), now on 2 insulins and metformin
  • I heal terribly because of the diabetes, often needing antibiotics for residual infections
  • Stage 3 Kidney Disease from the diabetes
  • Pain with every step I take
  • Osteoporosis and arthritis in my feet, which have broken 3 times just from walking for exercise, and one foot breaking while swimming
  • Broke one foot falling off the Wii Fit Board trying to exercise… needed 3 surgeries to repair
  • Arthritis in my lower back, was on opioids for 8+ years for the back pain, becoming incredibly addicted, finally getting clean 3 years ago (yay me!) Now I use Mindfulness Meditation for pain relief, though many times I wish for some Norco.
  • It took me years to find surgeons I felt safe with to get my 4 hernias repaired (one surgery) and then my gallbladder out (a separate surgery, with 3 hospital visits afterwards because of infection)… several turning me away because of my enormous belly size (blessedly, I found the docs and those issues are resolved)
  • Bone loss from possibly 2 main sources: lack of exercise & the GB
  • Walking with a walker, but should be in an electric wheelchair, my feet hurting so badly
  • Using an electric wheelchair when I shop

Nautilus

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My world has gradually become smaller and smaller. After 32 years in birth work (where I hurt daily as well), I am now a sedentary Phone Sex Operator. I live in a small space and leave the house only for doctor appointments, physical therapy, shopping and seeing my doggies at mom’s house.

Writing that makes me sad.

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Part 2 On Its Way

In Part 2 of My Wall-E-esque Life, I will talk about the place the Fat Advocacy Movement does have in our lives. While it might not be health (despite the incessant refrain that it does), it is most assuredly have an enormous place in our physical and emotional world.

More soon!

My News Blackout

Today was a really difficult day.

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So much crap in the news… you can look for yourself if you want to… but I have to quit watching and reading the news lest I end up in the Psych Hospital. I knew I was watching/reading a little bit more each day, but today I watched the clock, too, and stopped counting at 6 hours. Of news.

My hallucinations have gotten really bad, they are almost constant. And I have felt increasingly depressed. In fact, for a few days, I have wondered if I should take myself to the hospital because of the suicidal ideation that’s been flashing through my mind… way too often.

I know it is all a direct result of the pain of watching what is happening here in the United States, in the Americas, in the world.

I wish I could do something.

Right now, my something to do is save my own life.

I closed my Facebook tonight (it is always on my desktop), took everything political off my Tumblr page (including unsubbing from anything political) and am putting myself on a News Blackout.

Effective an hour ago.

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Bipolar Diary: Zero Gravity Hallucinations

I’d thought I’d come to a place of balance. I was still having hallucinations, mostly visual, some auditory and tactile, but those not so often. Even though the hallucinations have continued, I told the Psychiatrist I did not want to take more Risperdal to try and make them go away. The short time I was on the increased amount (double what I am on now), I gained 30 (fucking) pounds in 6 weeks. As soon as we halved it, I stopped eating like an insatiable animal, and have now lost 10 of those 30 pounds. I told him I’d just suck up dealing with the hallucinations.

However, there does come a tipping point between what I can live with and seeing much of my room floating around as if I was in space.

pilbalance bw
Balance – dance troupe, Pilobolus

What’s Going On?

I cannot pinpoint why they are getting bigger, more bizarre and more aggressive. My sleep is weird, but I am sleeping. I’m in an inordinate amount of pain, but that isn’t too new… I had my gallbladder removed on February 2 and have had a series of infection complications since. I’ve got other pain, but can usually meditate to work through it. (I have Trazadone if I need help sleeping, but have only taken that a couple of time.)

Visual

A crazy hallucination I had the other day was seeing my pillow breathing. Yes, I know… ridiculous, but I stared at it as it inhaled and exhaled for the entire 5-minutes I watched. I blinked, shook my head, told myself there was no way in hell that was real, yet the pillow kept inflating and deflating, slowly, as if it was breathing. I glance over a lot to see if it’s going for a repeat performance. Nothing so far.

l_48a68e20-7063-11e1-b4bd-1d74b1b00004

I have the usual roaches and now some flying bats, but those are pretty yawn-inspiring since they’ve been around so long now. It’s the floating toilet paper roll, the pens, my Blistex lip balm… things that are here in my room, in my real life, just appearing, mid-air… there… and then fleetingly gone again. My food shifts next to me. I “see” music coming out of the speaker. The movements around the room are near-constant. (The book next to me is shuffling the pages as I write this.)

funky apple gif

I try to drive infrequently and only for less than a mile or two because it is frightening to not know if that box flying through the air is an illusion or really fell off that truck up there. I am terrified when I pass bus stops because people are so close to the edge, they slide over into the road sometimes, sliding back just as I get ready to veer away from hitting them. I do everything in my power to never drive during school drop-off or pick-up, the amount of busy-ness in the roads confuse me terribly. Don’t even get me started on mailboxes.

Tactile

tactile-and-visual-hallucinations

I am tapped periodically. No one is here to tap me. It’s nothing. I feel things crawling on me a lot. My room is clean! There are no bugs to crawl on me. No fleas, no gnats. Nothing. Yet I could swear there was a spider crawling up my leg or on my arm. Even when I am looking right at my skin, seeing with my eyes that it isn’t there, it is there… I just cannot see it is all. (Talk about a mind fuck!)

Auditory

I have these the least at the moment. Just some occasional whispers. Nothing telling me to do anything, I don’t get those kinds. I just get ominous whispers, just out of hearing range… my name whispered a lot.

shiver

Resolution

Klimt
artist, Gustav Klimt

Writing all that down, I see I really might need to just up the Risperdal to curb some of this extraneous activity in my brain. I am crying writing this, fearful of gaining more weight. (I gained 80 pounds in 3 months when I started the Risperdal 13 years ago.) I know there are other meds I can try, but I get Tardive Dyskinesia so easily… and have it already from the Wellbutrin… I am so wary of changing from meds I know work.

Fuck, this is confusing sometimes.

Thanks for listening.