Anal Sex Tutorial

On one of my Facebook groups, the topic of anal sex came up, questions about how to initiate and actually do it brought great responses from others and since I have a LOT of experience with anal sex, I thought I would share, too. It got to be wayyyyy too long as a FB post, so decided a blog post was a better idea.

Therefore, here is a pretty stream-of-conscious explanation about having anal sex for the first time (in particular), but even those of us with a lot of experience can always learn more, right? If you see something I’ve forgotten, please don’t hesitate to let me know so I can amend this tutorial.

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How I Learned

When I was 17-21 years old, I lived with a steady stream of gay men, up to 8 at one time, often in one room… no bedrooms. I recall watching beds-full and then rooms-full of men having all sorts of gay sex. Resting on my side, head on my hand, elbow on my bed against the wall, I studied what the guys were doing. I did eventually ask for instructions and they graciously taught me, step-by-step, how to give oral sex and receive anal sex. I’ve had the opportunity to practice both skills many, many times over the decades and from what I have heard, I’ve been a very good student. Now, I share with you!

Inclusivity/Intersectionality

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While I am very fat, white, have physical disabilities, am a multiply neurodivergent Latinx, polyamorously kinky, sometimes-dyke, it’s important to me to be as inclusive in my language and purpose as possible. When I say “cock,” I mean penis, dildo, fingers… whatever you consider a dick. As I write, I “see” all genders & sexualities, as well as an endless variety of bodies… -abled and differently so, with and without specific genitalia, very very thin to super-gorgeously fat (like me!). Even so, I will make mistakes and take missteps… I apologize in advance. I’d love to know where I went sideways if you have a moment to leave a comment.

A plea to artists & photographers

It took me way too freakin’ long to find appropriate drawings and photos of different races, abilities and sizes… never mind not finding any trans drawings at all. I found one drawing of a woman of size. That’s just wrong! If you are an artist or photographer, I beg of you, when you create sex pieces, to please draw & photograph people, not just the standard-sized white man and woman… and fuck that woman-is-always-receptive crap, too.

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A multi-racial, male-as-receptive-partner (“Pegging“) illustration. A fantastic image!

Words & Euphemisms

Being in the Adult Industry, I know and use a wide variety of sexually-charged words. As I embark on this Anal Sex Tutorial, I know verbiage can be welcoming or, if not heard positively, show someone to the exit. However, I cannot possibly know if your proper word for anus is butt hole, asshole, rosebud, pucker, hole, rear door, bunghole or any number of other euphemisms that exist in English or the other languages you might speak. If I use a word that makes you wince, please replace that word with your own personal favorite and do that throughout the piece.

Taboo

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We all surely know that talking about anything dealing with the anus, including defecating, is pretty much not allowed in our culture. When we talk about it in a sexual context, people and religions nearly lose their minds. Anal sex even has its own legal term: Sodomy. (“Sodomy” includes anal and oral sex.) Sodomy laws weren’t abolished completely in the United States until 2003. TWO-THOUSAND-THREE! 

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Lawrence V. Texas (2003)

So, if just saying the words surrounding anal sex is frowned upon (understatement), actually touching and penetrating the anus can cause intense reactions of disgust and revulsion. Please know this is so normal! But, sexually-exploring folks with the same societal pressures as you, have crossed into eroticizing anal sex and, with some re-training and re-focusing your mental habits, you can, too!

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Onward, Ho!

Lubricant: The first, last and middle word with anal sex is: LUBE! You can never use too much lube when doing anal sex. Butt holes don’t self-lubricate like a vagina or mouth, so we need to lube the back end like mad. There are a variety of types, so if you are using gloves, condoms or toys, be sure to choose the correct lube for your needs.

(At the end, I will explain the “cleaning out”/enema process. Assume at the moment, your prep has already been done.)

Gloves (Condoms in a moment): Many, many people use gloves… for the obvious cleanliness reason and to cover fingernails that might scrape the colon. Remember to note if you or your partner are latex-sensitive so you can buy non-latex gloves. If you do not use gloves, please make sure your nails are short and do not have hangnails that can scratch your partner’s insides.

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Non-Latex glove… using one on each hand? Not a bad idea.

Safe Words: For everyone, a “Safe Word” is really good, but especially if you are remotely nervous about playing with your arse. The most common Safe Words I have seen are Green for “keep going,” Yellow for “please slow down” and Red for “stop right now.” Be sure to clarify that Red means “stop moving,” and not “PULL OUT FAST.” Sometimes we just need to breathe for a moment before continuing when we call Red. Red might very well signal the end of the session, so the person inside the anus needs to pull out very slowly. Never hesitate to use your Safe Words and there should never be shame for calling an end to the session.

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The “Red” Safeword for my play right now: Rochambeau!

Triggers: You and your partner can discuss private/personal boundaries as well. Anyone with a sexual abuse history might be triggered with anal play… and not always just the first time, either. Be aware of what you are feeling and use your Safe Words if you feel weird mentally/emotionally at any time. There is NEVER any shame for stopping sex… at any time… for any reason.

Aftercare: If the receptive partner calls their Safe Word for pain’s sake or because they were triggered, Aftercare is incredibly important. Aftercare is different for each person. Some need to be held, whereas others need to not be touched at all. Learning each person’s Aftercare needs is typically trial and error. Honor the process and the triggered person’s needs… not your own until they are taken care of. But yes, both may surely need processing after the session.

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Anal Toys & Training

F is for FLANGE: For many, the first line of anal training is using toys. An enormous variety exists, from very small/thin to incredibly oh-my-fucking-god huge. Just like the main word in anal play is “Lube,” the code word for putting any toy in your butt is FLANGE. Emergency Rooms don’t even bat an eye when someone comes in with a dildo/vegetable/fruit/dog toy/space ranger stuck inside, but it can be really embarrassing for you. Please, please use toys designed for anal play and leave the MacGyver toys to others.

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The Flange

Good Vibrations: I do not work for Good Vibes nor make one cent from recommending them. I just adore that they are so people-oriented, including education for the wide variety of bodies and sexualities. Their customer service is amazing. You can call them and they are glad to help you figure out your needs and then allowing you to decide on your own without the upselling crap a lot of other places are wont to do. Their toys can be fairly expensive, but they last for years, even with lots of play. Take a peek at their Anal Toys & Lube and see what they have to offer.

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Strap-ons are awesome for all genders.

Anal Beads: are a place many folks start (most aren’t like bead beads), then move to gradually larger toys. The toys can be fairly thin, can be graduated in size, can vibrate and some are made just for men. Look around and see which ones resonate for you. Good Vibes has beginner kits that offer some guidance.

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Anal Beads

Butt Plugs: are meant to be put in and left in, either during sex or as prep for the night’s fun. Some people put it in when they come home from work… and some put one in when they are heading in to work. They can be worn for no longer than 8 hours (like tampons) at a time. It is kinky as all get out to walk around at work or sit on your office chair squirming all day.

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Butt Plugs

Plugs have even gotten fashionable with jewels and everything.

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The jewel is the flange!

Anal Dildos: are yummy!

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Anal Dildos

Especially when they vibrate!

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Vibrating Anal Dildo (the black bullet vibe is inserted into the bottom)

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Setting Up

Protect Your Area! Keeping your play area protected helps with clean-up, especially since you’re using 10-gobs of lubricant. Lay down disposable underpads, beach towels, a tarp/shower curtain… whatever you think will be a great lube-catcher. Anal sex is not something to do without floor, carpet or especially, mattress protection. If you strive for a small landfill impact, you might choose wet washcloths and hand towels to wipe your hands with during the sex session. I, on the other hand, am horribly wasteful and choose to use baby wipes and paper towels… not real ecological, but much easier to clean-up.

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Condoms: In my experience, most folks choose to use condoms when having anal sex. Even with dildos. There’s the safety factor (STIs etc.), but they are also for cleanliness and ease of clean up if you have a cismale orgasm inside your rectum. Condoms can also be a concrete reminder to not put the penis or dildo into the vagina after leaving the anus. Instead, pull the condom off, wash your hands and toys in soapy water, rinsing, then you are welcome to continue with vaginal play. If you use condoms with oral or vaginal sex, change your condom after anal play.

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Un-Sexy Health Note!

It really is crucial to never go from the anus to the vagina.  As I said above, body parts and toys once in the anus canNOT go into the vagina or mouth without a thorough soap and water cleansing. I cannot stress that enough. If you rim the anus (analingus), do not lick from bottom up to the vagina. If rimming is going to be done, start “high”… the mouth, the clit, the vagina, the perineum, then the rectum. Never the other way around. Also, you should consider having dedicated anal play toys. Even cleaned really well, there’s always a chance of harboring some bacteria the butt hides inside.

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From top to bottom.

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Touching

S L O W: Start slow. Penetrating the bunghole is rarely the first item on the menu. Lots of touching, kissing, nipple & genital play helps relax all involved. For some folks, having at least one orgasm before attempting anal sex makes things easier as well.

Fingering: As one moves toward the rosebud, lubed fingers can feel delicious when the pad of the finger is slid over the hole, back and forth, gently… then in circles around the hole, not touching it directly… moving inward as a nautilus. Kissing when the finger is nudging closer helps the relaxing tremendously.

Slipping In: As the first finger begins to slide in, it needs to go really slow. A bit, then a bit more… it can take more than 5 minutes to slip a finger in to the first knuckle. Slow is fine. However, if you want more, faster, do not hesitate to state your need and/or desire.

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Enter the Cock: As with the finger, once the dick or toy is set for rear entry, slow and easy, please. Gentle, slow, touching, caressing, sweet words of encouragement (from both parties) all help to create a positive experience. Inching in, bit by bit, then once all the way in… not moving while the receptive partner acclimates to the fullness. At any time, if the receptive person needs to stop and breathe, do not hesitate to tell your play partner.

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Wahhhhh! The first 2-5 times one has anal sex, the first 5-20 minutes is “the worst part” (quote from dozens of folks). It can be really uncomfortable and not orgasmically pleasant during the early part of the session. Breathing helps the process… hurting less and hurting for less time. I promise, the time does eventually arrive that the entry is a fantastic experience.

NOTE, HOWEVER! If it hurts a LOT, stop. Tearing can happen inside and that isn’t so good. As well, if there is any blood, stop immediately. If it continues, get help right away.

No wahhhhh? If you do not have discomfort at all, that is awesome! There’s not one thing wrong with you. Each person’s body is elastic in different places. Yours might be in the anus. Lucky you! No passing any judgment on ones anus size, okay? We critique enough of ourselves.

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Masturbating with your hand or a vibrator can be an awesome relaxation technique when learning to have anal sex with your partner.

Get It ON: This is the part when you two have your anal fun! I will step out for awhile.

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After-Play: If your cismale partner orgasms inside you without a condom, be sure to head to the toilet toot sweet when you are finished, with a towel between your legs, because the semen can soften any stool inside and gooshy wet can drip out. If you’ve done a prep, it won’t be as dramatic.

Washing Up: Be sure everything involved in your play gets washed well with soap and water. Taking a shower, perhaps together, bringing your toys with you is an easy way to get everyone/everything risk-free for play next time. Wash towels and sheets and anything else that got soiled in hot water with bleach if possible. (White linens are good for any sex play, in my opinion, specifically for the clean-up aspects.)

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After-Sex Processing

Como siempre, it is always good and can be really important to touch base with each other about how the experience was for each of you. This can be part of the Aftercare or it can be something you two think about for awhile, then meet back up later to talk about. Even with a wonderful, passionate, uninhibited anal sex session, the re-emergence of the societal constraints of anal taboos is really common. I often encourage folks to email each other if they find speaking aloud is challenging. But try not to just ignore the experience, even if it wasn’t as pleasant for you as for your partner. See if adjustments can be made before scrapping the idea altogether.

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Enema Preparation for Anal Sex

Enemas are your friend when getting ready for anal sex. Planning ahead for anal sex encourages an atmosphere of anticipation, but it also removes the spontaneity some find erotic. You do what works for you.

I encourage using one of the smaller sized enema kits you find in regular pharmacies, twice. Others choose to use a larger bucket, soapsuds enema because it really cleans one’s colon out well. You can buy the bucket enema online or medical supply stores.

Follow the directions that come with the enemas and you’ll be fine.

I have lots of experience giving and having enemas so I offer these 3 pieces of advice.

  1. Lay towels (or, even better, disposable pads) under you while inserting and holding the enema before dashing to the toilet
  2. Turn onto your left side as much as possible
  3. Hold the fluid as long as possible… then a few moments longer

Try to do the enemas about 60 minutes before anal play begins. That gives the body time to expel the liquid. Using baby wipes to clean yourself, or better yet, a nice shower, before sex, will make sure you are fresh as a daisy for your partner.

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Conclusion

Whew! I had no idea I could talk so much about anal sex! I hope you’ve made it down this far with me.

I know there was a lot of technical… and even political… information, but I do want to encourage you to, most of all, have BIG fun while exploring with each other. Anal sex is a wondrous experience of trust and intimacy… even if it is merely for the length of the session.

Again, enjoy yourself!

Thanks for hanging in there and again, do let me know if I need to add or change something to be more inclusive and respectful.

Now, off with you!

And bend over, baby.

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Smatterings

Unfinished Writings

I have several posts pending, but cannot seem to finish any one of them.

  • My Wall-E-esque Life: “Fat Positivity” Fails

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  • Pain: A Cruel Mistress

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  • Gallbladder GONE!
  • Acceptance Into Anthology

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Other Crap

I’m also having olfactory hallucinations again and would like to write about that, too. And then there’s 45 and his bullshit trips abroad.

I’m struggling with work, losing client after client because I am so sick I’m unable to be signed in for them to call me.

Wahhhhh!

But I felt I owed my few readers at least some update about why I have not been around. Really, really, working hard on getting at least something done and posted.

Please stay tuned!

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My Explanation of Mindfulness Meditation

 

As written for my cublet:

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sculptor, Andrea Blasich

My beautiful cub, as you read through this and the articles I’ve shared, one of the most important things is to breathe and let go of any stress/tension you feel building because of the instructions. You do not… WILL not… be doing everything at once, so allowing yourself grace for the learning and ongoing practice (the Be-ing) of Mindfulness is really good for your spirit. Even I work at Mindfulness. Even Buddhist Monks practice (the act of learning a new skill) Mindfulness. There is no “end” to show you have completed the task for the rest of your life, no test at some tangible end. It is an ongoing experience like breathing. Seeing it as the waves in the ocean can help a lot… they come and go, unbidden, but in a rhythm that does not cease.

So it is with Mindfulness.

There are several avenues to Mindfulness. It seems each teacher has a different way of explaining how to do it. What ends up happening is we take bits and pieces from the ones that resonate, creating our own unique style. If one person’s description makes no sense, look at the next and see if that adds to your own need for information.

The Path to Mindfulness…

…is Meditation.

There is no Mindfulness without Meditation,

nor is there Meditation without Mindfulness.

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Even as I said there is no end goal, there are pieces that are required (and that word can be stressful, but you will see in a moment it does not need to be). I could have put any number of these pieces together in another order, but it makes no difference as I explain because they super-impose themselves onto each other. So, in no particular order:

The “Goal” of Meditation (the Definition of Mindfulness)

The purpose of a (Stillness) Meditation session, one path into Mindfulness, is to empty one’s mind, bringing your thoughts directly to your breathing. Sounds like such a simple concept, but takes a lifetime of practice that never ends (like the ocean’s waves).

It is this attention to breath that we do in our private Meditation sessions, that we also do when we are walking down the street, when someone annoys the crap out of us, when we are scared or anxious or angry. Or when we are changing a diaper, showering ourselves or sitting and reading a book.

While it can seem like its own activity at first, taking a lot of concentration while ignoring the actual life activity at hand, it quickly becomes a soft hum in the background of our waking lives.

Even doing it (as we learn) for a very short time gives immense relief from difficulties going on around us. It brings us back to “our Center”; that which is Divine in us all. For you, that might be Allah.

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Note: As you read, you will see there are a variety of types of Meditation. Typically, new folks concentrate on Mindfulness Meditation and Stillness Meditation… mostly those two combined. There is another you might find helpful that I love, and that is Guided Meditation. When I struggle with doing a solo practice, Guided Meditation often helps me to let go of the pain. There are an endless supply of Free Guided Meditations both in regular Google searches or on YouTube, Amazon Music, in Amazon Prime (tv) and Netflix. Do not think too hard on the other kinds of Meditation at the moment, just the 3 I mentioned above.

Non-Judgment

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Non-Judgment is a main cornerstone of Mindfulness. Being in a high stress profession, I am sure you have a certain definition in your mind about what non-judgment entails. With Meditation, it takes on a broader meaning.

As you Meditate (which I will elaborate on in a moment), you’ll find your head filled with thoughts. THIS IS NORMAL! We all have our heads just stuffed full of thoughts, feelings and plans. Do not ever ever ever berate yourself for having random thoughts floating through your mind as you learn, try and practice meditation. We all have them! Forever. There is never a time thoughts are not flowing through our heads. Not even for the most practiced of Monks, ALL of us have this experience when Meditating.

Especially in the beginning, people can get very frustrated with this phenomenon, this “intrusion” of thoughts, disturbing our practice of Meditation.

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The opposite, however, is true; without the thoughts, one would not have the Meditation to practice. Recognizing them is exactly what is supposed to happen! The moment you recognize a stray thought, that is the exact moment you have become Mindful. It might only last that second, but you have, for that fleeting moment, been Mindful. So beautiful!

When you recognize the random thought in your mind, instead of seeing them as annoying or terribly distracting, it serves us much more to… see the thought/feeling… say hello to it… even hold it for a moment if you need to… and then set it free to float away once again. I see the thoughts as clouds or soap bubbles floating around, some coming closer, others stay far away. As they come into my direct attention, those are the ones I admire, then release, returning to my breath.

You will, as all of us have, sometimes spend your entire Meditation session in thought. Thinking, planning, saying, “When is this over!?” to yourself. I encourage just shaking your head and laughing about how intrusive your thoughts have been and try again in a awhile.

It is the ebb and flow of thoughts, their presentation, your recognition, then their release, moving back to breath, that is the very definition of Mindfulness Meditation.

Time to Practice

Srinagar: Muslim students participate in Yoga Day celebrations at Bakshi Stadium in Srinagar, on June 21, 2015. (Photo: IANS)
Muslim Students in Srinagar

You will read in most places that your Meditation should be at least 20 minutes long. 20 minutes can seem extremely daunting at first, so just shoot for 2-3 minutes and gradually, at your own pace, work your way up to 20 minutes. It could take a year to get there. Who cares!? This is your walk, no one else’s.

At least once each day, you will set aside a minimum of 10 minutes, even if you are only doing 3 minutes, setting the scene in your body and mind walks you towards the actual breathing. Those minutes are without the tv on, without answering your phone and hoping you have no one knocking at the door. If there are interruptions you have no control over, just start again when you can. No judgment, no getting angry at the interruption or person who knocked. A gentle thought of love towards them moves your practice forward.

Making time for Meditation can seem daunting at first, but if you are able to recognize the ritual as a great few minutes of Self-Love, you will soon grow to welcome the time apart from your harried life.

Timing Your Session

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I’ve found several wonderful free apps for Meditation Timers. Most are bells, chimes or gongs, but there are some with music as well. Googling “Meditation Timers” brings up many choices. I have one on my computer and one on my phone.

An amusing, pretty universal, action seems to happen, especially as we are learning our way around these practices. We all seem to be intensely curious about 1) how long we have been doing the Mindfulness (thereby dragging us right out of it!) and 2) how much more time we have before we are finished. Time either flies or is interminably long. While non-judgment is important, do your best to recognize the urge to open your eyes to see the time as one of those stray and passing thoughts. This does get easier with time.

I found removing my watch and turning the clock around helpful at first, depending only on the timer. Otherwise I was half inside and half with one eye on the clock. Not so peaceful.

Where Are the Benefits Already?

In the beginning, many, many, if not most, of us find great resistance to practicing Meditation. We often look for any distraction we can find to avoid it. THIS IS ABSOLUTELY NORMAL and, I believe, a required part of the process.

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Suhba Fellowship In Istanbul, Turkey

Recognizing the resistance, chuckling to yourself, then doing the Meditation, is an enormous success and one to be very proud of. Each time you cross this hurdle, you remove some of the future struggle towards practicing.

Just like there is no end to practicing, no end to the intrusion of thoughts, so too is there no delineation between practicing and Mindfulness having an effect on your behavior and life. The first time you sit quietly, breathing, you have already created a monumental shift in your Universe. There may be moments of recognition (“Oh! I breathed instead of wanting to throw a book at the wall!”), but more often, the effects are subtle and cumulative. One day, you will realize things have shifted and you will probably think, “Wow! When did that happen?”

It happened when you sat quietly that first day. It’s happening this very second as you read through what I have written!

Onward Ho!

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I will share a couple of articles about HOW to actually do the breathing and practice Meditation. Those are the technical parts. I wanted to share with you my own learning curve specifically so you could see what the possibilities were, but mostly, that this is an amorphous experience and to not expect any concrete outcome. Ah, but those things along with monumental changes in your life.

Does this make sense? I would be shocked if any of it did!

I love you so very much. Have fun with your new activity, your new thoughts, your changes in behavior and allow utter confusion to wash over you at times. It is absolutely normal… you are absolutely normal… well, actually, I think you are absolutely amazing!

If you ever have questions or want to share your thoughts or experiences, feel free to talk or write to me.

I love you!

Articles

New to Mindfulness? How to Get Started

Mindfulness Meditation Successfully Treats Anxiety: Study – by The Muslim Post – January 25, 2017

Yoga in Islam : A Form of Ibaadat (Prayer)

How to Meditate: for Beginnersthis is a wonderful step-by-step explanation/guide to the actual practice of Meditation

Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction: What it Is, How it Helps (MBSR is the 8-week class [I went for 12 weeks] I attended in San Diego to learn how to relieve pain and cope with the midwifery crisis in my life.) For those who cannot attend the course, the book A Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Workbook is brilliant.

The Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction FREE Online Course

Videos

There are hundreds of demonstrative and how-to videos on YouTube. Any Google search of “Mindfulness Meditation,” “MBSR,” or “Guided Meditation” will bring up a zillion for you.

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Bipolar Mania Redux

Yeah, the Mania has returned.

Once again, I am a live wire that hums like a fluorescent bulb, sleeping 2 hours a day, am a writing banshee and logged into work for many hours at a time.

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See-Saw Up & Down

From mid-September 2016 to early November 2016, I was in a pretty intense Manic State. The last Manic Episode I’d had before that was 1998.

It seemed to take forever to get control over the hallucinations and be able to sleep, and when I did, I slid into Depression mid-December. The fight to find balance between soaring highs and plunging lows has eluded me. Just when I think I am finding stasis, I slip by it and move to the next level of distress.

And here we are, mid-January 2017, and I am, once again, having hallucinations, staying awake for far, far too long.

Will I never find balance?

Hallucinations AGAIN

I’ve had increasing hallucinations for at least 2 weeks now. They aren’t terrifying yet, but they are on their way there.

Today I was visited by a bat!

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Fucking thing was flying around the room then dove right for my head. I ducked and covered myself, but, of course, it wasn’t real, so if someone had been watching, it would have given them a hearty laugh. Other visual non-existent treats have been my clothes on the back of the door lifting off and swaying back and forth a couple of times and nondescript somethings sitting on the dressers or on my bed.

(I feel like a crazy woman sharing these things. How can I talk about what is going on so casually? I think it is just getting to be so normal, I am more shrugging than freaking out about it.)

The auditory hallucinations have returned, my hearing all sorts of crazy noises from windstorms to doorbell chimes. And the incessant whispers, always just out of earshot and too low for me to understand, but they are not happy noises. “Ominous” is the word I would use to describe them.

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artist, Nguyen Hoang Hiep

Oh, the goddamn tactile sensations. Again, feeling like I have bugs crawling on me. Not lots so far, but just enough to make me slap myself periodically.

Not smelling anything (yet) – olfactory hallucinations – but those are probably what’s up next on the Manic menu.

Writing writing writing

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And so I write. Here,  in my work blog, in Facebook. The words tumble out of my fingers even when I am meditating trying to sleep. I cannot keep them still as they search for a keyboard upon which to create.

This is the part of the Mania that keeps me from telling my doctor or taking more Risperdal because the deliciously creative period would be fleeting and, right now, the negativity of hallucinations is balanced by the verbosity of my words.

So shhhhh. Keep my secret quiet for now.

And watch the words spill from my psyche.

 

Why I Use the Word “Cunt”

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As I begin writing about sex in this blog, you will see me using the word “cunt” much more often than “pussy,” or even vagina/vulva. It is similar to my reclaiming the word “Dyke” instead of lesbian.

A lesbian is a woman who has sexual and emotional relationships with other women. A Dyke is the same… but only more so.

As a midwife, I needed to use proper terminology… it was the professional thing to do. Using the words “vagina” and “vulva” as often as the words “the” and “May I touch?” The  vagina and vulva are two distinct areas of the woman’s anatomy. They are often used interchangeably, mainly by men, driving me bonkers. I correct them whenever the issue arises.

The Power of Words

Reclaiming (or Reappropriation) of words is culturally common, the words “nigger,” “fat, and “queer,” being but three examples.

Reappropriation of ethnic and sexual slurs starts as an act of bravado by a few of the oppressed, then may become an empowering mechanism for a much wider community. It’s pleasingly ironic that those discriminated against have learned the Orwellian trick employed by the state and the establishment of hijacking everyday language (as in ‘doublespeak’) for their own nefarious purposes. Alternative discourse ousts and replaces the discourses of power.”

Arguments abound about who can, without judgment, use these reclaimed words. Said in the wrong crowd, one could get someone yelling in their face to shut the fuck up.

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It is why I have reclaimed the word CUNT. To me, it is a woman’s genitals, only with more Power. Greater intensity. The cunt has explosive energy behind it. My cunt is in my control and only my control. As a rape survivor, any way I can grab and keep my body is awesome and a requirement for my emotional and physical safety. I give my cunt to the person/s of my choice; no one takes it from me without force.

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cunt images

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In Boys on the Side, Mary-Louise Parker’s character, talking with Whoopi Goldberg’s character, struggles with the word “Cunt.” This exchange, while long, is worth the giggle.

— I don’t call it anything. I just wasn’t brought up to talk about a person’s anatomy.
— That’s probably because you don’t have a word for it.
— That’s just ridiculous. I do, too. It just doesn’t often come up.
— Okay. What is this, below the belly button?
— I’m not gonna say ‘pussy’ if that’s what you’re after, okay, I hate that.
— Okay. So, what do you call it?
— Down there.
— Oh, come on! ‘Down there!’
— Well, ‘vagina’ seems so formal.
— But you make it sound like a basement!
— Okay. Honestly?
— Yeah.
— Fine. ‘Hoo-hoo’ or ‘cissy.’
— You’re kidding, right? A ‘hoo-hoo’ or a ‘cissy,’ what is that?
— Well, that’s what my mother called it. I had a ‘hoo-hoo’ or a ‘cissy’ and my brother had a ‘noodle’ or a ‘dingle.’
— And that’s what you still call it, huh?
— Well, it’s better than ‘pussy.’ Or ‘beaver.’ What’s that about? I never got that. Or worse…
— Worse? Did you say worse? Now, what could be worse? I have to hear you say it.
— Well, you know. I’m not gonna say it.
— Oh, come on! ‘C-U-N-T.’ Come on, please?
— I don’t think so.
— Please? It’ll free you. Try it!
— There’s a policeman within the sound of my voice.
— Give him a thrill.
— I don’t think so.
— I’m gonna wet you.
— No! You’re such a baby!
— Okay. Come on.
— All right. (whispered) ‘Cunt.’
— What? What was that?
— I said it!
— No, you breathed it! I want to hear you say it.
— All right! All right. All right. ‘C-U-N-T, cunt.’
— Yeah?
— ‘Cunt.’ ‘Cunt.’ ‘CUNT!’

cunt reclaim

How about you?

Joyous (Part 4 of my First Dom Story)

Part 1, My First BDSM Experience, I fell in love with a Dom over the Internet. In Part 2, Meeting My First Dom, I flew to meet him in San Francisco, his collaring me right before we began our first Scene. Part 3, My First submissive Scene, Gerald and I begin our sexual consummation before he has an attack of morals, leaving me crying alone on the bed.

Lifting My Head

When I finally stopped crying, I logged onto the computer, not even sure what I was looking for (except Gerald, of course), but there, in the irc room I played in, was a single person… very strange as it was usually packed with people. That new person was someone I’d never seen before.

Her (nick)name was Joyous.

joyous

I don’t think Joyous quite expected what she got, but she was a champion listening to me dump all my pain and sadness out via the keyboard. She listened as this crazy submissive, who’d gone to visit her first Dom, sight unseen, cried her eyes out and tried to figure out what to do next. She never said a judgmental word.

When I finally took a breath, I learned Joyous was a submissive, which surprised me because, in text, submissives typically use lower-case letters, Dominants, upper-case. She said she wanted any potential Dom to know she was a force to be reckoned with. I loved her already.

It was late and I still hadn’t seen Gerald in chat. Was completely lost with what was going on with us, so sat talking to Joyous, minutes turning to hours.

Gerald Logged On… Finally

Around midnight, Gerald finally pops into the room still holding just Joyous and I, his Private Messaging (PM) me, falling all over himself with apologies. I sat listening, the tears flowing all over again.

keyboard

He said he’d been trying to figure out how to work things out with me for the week and thought he’d come up with a solution. I sat listening.

He said he would come see me as planned and that he had promised to Scene with me, that he would honor that, but he wouldn’t be able to come for another day, trying to get a couple days off work without his wife knowing. (I am sure I rolled my eyes.) He said he just couldn’t have any more sexual contact. I nodded my understanding. He said he had to go, but he would call in the morning when he got to work. Then he vanished.

Joyous Revisited

I’d been talking to Joyous in the room while Gerald and I talked in PM and told her I wouldn’t see him for a couple of days… what was I going to do in San Francisco by myself? She said, “You’re in San Francisco? That’s where I am!” She then told me she was actually on vacation for two weeks and would love to take me out to see “her” city. I couldn’t believe the luck.

The next morning, at 8:00 am on the dot, Joyous knocked at the door and when I opened it, she and I hugged like we’d known each other for years and were just reunited. Still wearing the collar Gerald had locked on me, I was a tad worried about going out with it. She laughed and said no one would even notice, grabbed my hand and out the door we went.

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Two subbies Traipsing

We walked arm and arm, up and down those brutal San Francisco hills, wandering in and out of stores, eating in delightful restaurants and talking talking talking, telling each other secrets and stories from our respective lives.

She took me to Mr. S Leather where we giggled with the salesboys, trying on various pieces of leather gear, paddling each other with wooden implements and holding up various toys, fantasizing about what we would do with this or that.

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Mr. S Leather

We went to Romantasy, an exquisite corset shop. Talking to the sales folks, I learned they custom make corsets for people of any size. (I was fat, remember… not used to owning something as beautiful as a corset.) I bought a lovely black crinoline skirt that day, ordered a white one several months later. When we left, I took their card and tucked it into my pocket. I have it even today.

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Romantasy Corsets

The highlight of the day was our visit to Good Vibrations. This (at the time) woman-owned and operated store, still open today (where I buy the majority of my toys), was unique back then. Quality toys, expensive as hell, but worth every cent, lined their walls and shelves. It is where I bought my first Hitachi Magic Wand. I know we easily spent 3 hours there.

HMW
Hitachi Magic Wand, Good Vibrations

The Setting Sun

sf sunset

Joyous and I went to dinner on the Wharf as the sun was sliding into the Pacific Ocean, having a couple of bottles of wonderful wine, toasting our new friendship and amazing luck at finding each other.

As we ate, I talked out a plan to emotionally make it through the rest of the week. I was already mentally releasing myself from my servitude; that helped. Joyous offered scenarios and I played them out to see if they were workable. By the time it was dark and dinner was over, I felt sure-footed and ready to face Gerald in the morning.

Joyous took me back to the hotel, walked me up to the room and hugged me tightly before saying her good-bye. We said we would talk tomorrow, hugged again and she was gone.

I never saw her again.

I am of the belief she was an Angel who came to help me that day. We never exchanged real names, phone numbers or emails. I am baffled why we didn’t. Even now, the day with her remains one of my fondest memories in life. It was through her, I was able to stand tall facing Gerald the next day.

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