Gender Socialization Reappears

Past Imperfect

It had been 30 years since I’d been in a relationship with a cis male until last year when my cub (who is 20 years younger than I am) and I began a cyber-relationship. He and I are in a BDSM relationship, my being Domme and he, my submissive.

I am an awesome Domme after 25 years as a submissive. I am able to dig deeply into a submissive’s mind and use the information to my Domme-ly benefit. I am also a Domme at my job, having no problem holding my role easily.

And now, my cublet and I are in a deep rift in the relationship, something I will write about another day, but one we seem to have committed to working on together.

Present Imperfect

We both had a really hard day yesterday, lots of tears, lots of texts and emails back and forth, some of which continued through the night on my end.

cry

Today, I could not stop crying despite both of us pledging love and working together last night and then sweet words in text this morning. I was a fucking mess. I couldn’t breathe, my heart hurt, I was really having a hard time.

From early morning, I wanted reassurance that everything was okay between us, but I fought hard not to text him at work. I lasted until 1pm, then asked, “Do you still love me?”

don_t_leave_me_plexure
artist, Plexure

After we talked on the phone and exchanged love-confirming texts, I sat back and looked at my feelings and behaviors. I was fucking disgusted with myself.

Future Imperfect

I am demonstrating total female socialization behaviors and being with a cisman somehow magically transformed me into a whimpering, begging, insecure, needy and, if I do say so, disgusting girl (definitely not a woman) needing validation from a MAN! From a man 20 years my junior, no less! Where the holy fuck was she hiding that she would smell a cisman’s sweat (even over the wires) and poof recreate the horrid female I thought I’d left behind after 35 years of therapy?

fix
From I’m Glad I’m a Boy, I’m Glad I’m a Girl

I am hoping that with the recognition, I will chill out and re-find my balance as a grown woman.

I am, however, looking for the hole that unevolved being crawled out of so I can shove her back in and seal up the lid.

Good lord, brainwashing sure does stick around.

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My Nap-gasm

I laid down to take a nap… got settled…
was just beginning to doze…
and you crawled up onto the bed inbetween my legs.

low

Zzzzzz

You reached around my waist, down to my bottom and inserted a vibrating butt plug into my ass. Then you turned, handed me another and presented your ass for me to penetrate.

And I did.

Sleep Interrupted

Then you kissed me deeply and I impatiently told you I was trying to take a nap and you said go ahead, Sassenach (my Domme nickname)… and you spread my legs with your hands… and climbed between them. You lifted up onto your knees and started stroking your cock to get it nice and hard. (Clearly, you had been readying yourself for me while you were still at work.) I could feel the bed jiggling, so turned a little and watched; you know how much I love to watch.

I felt my cunt open for you.

You looked me in the eye as you took your dick, lowered yourself… and slid it up and down my slit. I moaned so softly you were not even sure you heard it. Then you slipped inside me… one easy motion… just IN… from outside to hilt. Gently, but firmly.

And you began fucking me.

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Obey Me, my fawn

Both of us were enjoying our vibrating ass toys and I took notice of your face as you hovered above me. I could easily tell you were already close. I looked at you sternly and said you were not allowed to cum until I told you to.

You said, “Yes, Mistress,” and I said, “Good, boy.”

And you fucked me the way I like to be fucked… with you sliding up and down, undulating… so that your groin/pubic area presses onto my clit with each up stroke.

You asked “There?”

I answered with a heavy sigh, “Right. There.”

You kept looking me in the eye and we were connected in that wonderful, beautiful, loving, yet fucking-lusty way.

I could see you struggling not to orgasm. And I admonished you yet again:

“Not until I tell you.

“I.

“Cum.

“First.”

You said, “Yes, Mistress,” and I said, “Good, boy.”

zealot

Falling Into Bliss

I watched you struggle more. Sweating more… grunting… but trying so hard to control your cock.

You slowed down and I chuckled out loud as you did.

But you kept up the upward slide onto my clit and my own orgasm was building, your struggle driving me closer. You were pouring sweat, dripping onto my belly… and I felt my orgasm just beginning.

I began to fall… right into your eyes… and you felt me… my contractions gripping your cock…

…and I gasped, “Cum now, my fawn.”

You also let go… pushing DEEP inside me, both of us immersed in each others’ eyes and orgasming in unison.

Our orgasms lasted 45-60 seconds… we just let them roll over us, then gradually subside.

You dropped down onto my belly… and I curled onto my side, putting the Hitachi back in the drawer, then turned and held the pillow close… and fell asleep remembering your cum was oozing out of me onto the clean sheets.

I didn’t even care.

bdsm